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Social skills value 0% sadness value 100%?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi people, im new as the simple fact of it saying post 1 under my name may suggest...*coughs*

Im 17 year old male nearly 18 (3 months to go). I have a pair of lips that have never kissed, a pair of hands that have never so much as touched a girl let alone unstapped a bra and breached the land of no return. Ive read other posts some of them kinda focus on this or what im about to say but i felt this was slightly different so here it is.....hmmm.

My problem is i had a lousy childhood and lost most of my confidence, i turned to films, computers etc to hide myself only now have i discovered that it has made me into a semi-monster with not much sanity left, im very quiet and shy. I dont consider myself to be boring though because of my lack of confidence or rather non existant confidence and the fact that im totally useless at socialising ive been branded a freak and a sad ball of snot. I have 3 friends and i enjoy going out with them (surely that counts for somethin) i dont drink much, dont smoke or take drugs. Ive never been to a club, never had a gf.

Conclusion i find it very very very hard to talk to people i either completely blank out and cant think of anything to say or say stupid things making me look stupid, even when someone comes over to me i smeg up, i kinda freak out and sometimes offend people though i always try to be nice and people ive spoken to over the net say im nice. And i also point out its not just girls i cant talk to lads as well...thing is i crave to go out more go to pubs clubs play pool pull dance whatever else people do...play the one night stand game..then get into a serious relationship not to mention that my body is devouring my mind for the oppisite sex (which im told is normal?). But i can bearly talk to my own mother without freaking.

Sad? or just lost and struggling to find his way out of this maze, will you be my guide?


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi BFG. It sounds like you have some problems with your self confidence and the way you relate to other people. This is very common in people who have had miserable or difficult childhoods.

    One helpful thing to remember is that you probably think you're more awkward in social situations than you really are. They make everyone a bit nervous at times, and many of the things you think people will dislike or reject you over, they're things that others may not even have noticed at all. (they might be too busy worrying about the same things you're worrying about)

    You have a tendency to make things worse than they really are - you said 0% social skills - well you can talk and type so they must be at least 30%! OK, fair enough your social skills maybe something that needs work, but they're not quite as hopeless as you think. In this message you come over as a decent person who just needs a bit of help, rather than some kind of freak.

    You might benefit from some counselling to help you get over your shyness, social anxiety, and tendency to escape into your own head. It can and will get better, but you have to be prepared to do some hard work.

    Only contact a reputable therapist from a professional body such as:
    The British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Therapists http://www.babcp.org.uk/
    or The British Association for Counselling http://www.bac.co.uk/

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i agree with karla. hope everything works out 4 u!

    angel <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow Karla, that's the longest and probably most informative post I've ever seen you write. Not just a pretty face <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"&gt;

    BFG, you say you have 3 friends, who do they hang around with? Surely they have more friends, who have friends (it goes on from here). You should do what I did and meet people through people, it's all about networking!
    At school I was pretty much like yourself, a few friends, no girlfriend e.t.c. The change came when I went to college, I was the only person from my school there so I had to start from scratch. I met lots of good people, and I started talking to people from my old school who I would have never spoken to before. That's how I met my current girlfriend, through a friend. I was also in the cadets for a long time, and found the discipline and various skills i learnt there were actually useful in the real world as well.

    As for your shyness, there's no reason why you have to start out big anyway, start from small things like I mentioned. And dont worry about never going clubbing, it isnt all its cracked all to be anyway, unless you like meeting 14-15 year old sluts!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, you say you're into films and stuff-well so are most people so you have a good start. Once you get going in a conversation with someone about films forinstance I reckon most people will be interested inn what you have to say. Saying stupid things is natural, and in a genuine person it can be quite endearing. Most people are not as confident as they look, just bloody good actors. Get out more, maybe to a group or a film preview or something, where you are on your own and no body knows you. This way you can act as confident and aproachable as you like and no one will no any difference. Tae your time, it will fall into place
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Theres not really much to say that hasn't already been said.
    I think you need to talk to someone about your childhood, I locked up my past for almost 19years which hasn't done much good, but once I started to talk to someone I felt sort of relieved that I'd finally got it off my chest. I know its difficult but once you take the first step it slowly gets easier.

    As for the social thing, I use to think no one would want to talk to me and spent most of my time locked up in my bedroom. But then I meet my current friends and I go out a lot more. Its already been said but make the first topic films, once you get into a conversation your start to feel relaxed. Your definately not missing much on the clubbing scene. You sound like a great guy and deserve some happiness so don't give up. Maybe you could do what I did and get a part time job and meet new people that way.

    Good luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BFG - dont worry about it. I too was like u and went through a huge crisis of confidence at around 16, where i didnt think i had any friends, no self confidence and hadnt been near a girl.

    However from then on i made it my duty (to myself) to go out and be with people, to talk to others and to be part of things that others did. It was difficult at first but then as others have said u make friends, who have friends, who also have friends etc. Its just a case of trying to swallow ur worries about being laughed at etc. and do it. Im still going now at 20 - as i can get very nervous when meeting people still and even with close friends i sometimes withdraw from the conversation as im worried i will make myself look stupid.

    Be happy with who u are, dont try to be something ur not and just go for it. u'll only regret it in later life if u dont make the most of ur teenage years.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for replying, means alot. I do wish to change and would be highly willing to make an effort but and this is the truth and may seem stupid but i really dont know how. Talking to people comes very easy to most and i envy everyone for it, the ability to create friends is a mystery to myself understanding. I watch people talking and see how naturally it comes to them and wish to be like that but i dont know how they do it really i dont. Ive told myself that im not sad im just lonely but the words wont come to me, how do i start a conversation going? I read that question to myself and it seemed silly but i really dont know the answer. Say for example im meeting someone for the first time or i know of them and there name but nothing more and i sat down near them how would i start things going?

    Hmm fate maybe has me picked out as a lost soul, is fate conquerable? I'll check out those links you gave me karla, but im not sure i have the confidence to go out and get counselling.

    Thank you.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh I've been there . . .

    I think what changed my life for me, if I was to pin it down to one thing only, was realising that other people do not exist solely as "other" people, and have lives of their own, hence they don't laugh at/ridicule/talk about me if they see me doing something "uncool". when you go out, simply by realising that people won't focus on you as an object of derision makes it much easier. if someone does shout something nasty at you in a club, chances are they're pissed out of their heads and you wouldn't want to know them anyway. the world is a big, big place.

    one of the other things that changed my life. I happened to be with a group of friends who were ridiculed by my entire year at school because two were into sci-fi and computer programming and stuff, and also lesbians. so I got the same brand <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/redface.gif"&gt; eventually I'd had enough and I completely stopped seeing them. there were other reasons; they'd preyed on my ability in school to copy my work and things. but once I'd made the effort and really concentrated on meeting new people, it was incredible. a year on I've a boyfriend who I've been with for eight and a half months, good grades and an altogether more balanced view of the world. best thing I ever did <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I'm still not a clubbing/pubbing girl and likely never will be - I don't drink and my taste in music runs toward the classical <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt; but I can cope in any "normal" situation. that's all you need to do, feel that you are able to go out and pull, but without being someone totally different to who you are. you're not looking to change your entire self, you just want to change its view <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    good luck, keep us posted <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BFG:
    the ability to create friends is a mystery

    yup, sounds familiar. wow this is so weird, I know exactly what you mean, and the trouble is I don't know how it happens either. it just does, like kissing (which was also a mystery). the instinct is there, you just need to let it out a little.

    how do i start a conversation going?

    "how are you?"

    "did any of you see [insert film]?"

    "how's life?"

    and if someone says "do I know you, you sad freak?" pinch yourself and wake up. it was a nightmare <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;

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