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Worrying about the present and the future: Can I have hope?

Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
I'm warning you that this will be a long read. I feel I have to let it out somewhere, or I will explode. So, here goes.

I've always been unsuccesful with crushes. Result, I'm now officially 18 years old and the closest I've ever been to a girl (both physically and mentally) is having chats.
Ever since the time came when I began to understand what it means to like someone of the opposite sex, I've had crushes on girls that always ended up badly, and never in anything that could remotely be considered a relationship.

I'll begin at the point where these things are considered to be serious (about 12 years old).
First, there was that girl who lived in the neighborhood and went to the same school as me. I liked her, and it seemed she liked me. Things were moving slowly and then, after a whole summer when I'd been away, I return and discover she'd moved God knows where to. Just bad luck in this one.
Next time was a true disaster. I had a big crush on this one, I told my "best friend", who then lied to me AND her. He was telling me that she liked me and he was telling her that I'd asked him to let her know, without ever telling me that she had sent me to hell.
This created a major misunderstanding that was only half-resolved years after this story had ended. During this time, there had been another girl who was surely interested in me, but I ignored her because I thought I had chances with the other one. So, betrayal in this.
After this, I occasionally had crushes that I was too shy to act on (and I still don't think I had any chances in any of them).

A bit more than a year ago, the most serious (for me) and saddest story started taking part. There was the girl (let's call her M) I had gotten to know pretty well by that time. We were talking a lot about many things and he had very similar ideas on a lot of subjects. At some point, I realised that I was deeply in love with her (why do I feel so stupid writing this?). I believed (and I kinda still do) that we matched.
There were many things that led me to believe that if I tried to tell her this time, I would have my first relationship. I am totally honest when I say that during the last few years, the closest feeling to pure happiness I had ever felt was the little time we were spending together. We weren't really "the same" in likes and dislikes, but in some way I felt like a jigsaw piece finding the one it fits next to: They are very different, but they fill one another in a way that nothing else can.
There were also a lot of funny little "coincidences": Very often, we would say the same words at the exact same time, or make the exact same movement at the exact same time. Saying "I don't believe this" or crossing the arms in front of our chests, things like that.

The most scary (in a good way) of these coincidences was this:
Some other girl was playing this game with some of us, where she tells a story to which we would choose how some things go. Not one of the simple ones, like "You can either take the longest but most interesting road to get there, or the shortest but most dull one, which do you choose". There were questions like "You see a key dropped on the floor. It can look as ordinary or as unusual as you would like. Describe it." M decided to play, I chose not to, but I still hang around to hear what the others would say. As the girl asked the questions, I was thinking what I would answer to each. To my surprise, M was (get this) describing all images I had on my mind perfectly, as if she was reading my thoughts. For example, about the key, she answered the same thing I would have: It was painted gold, the part where you hold it would be shaped in 3 circles, and the other part would be a little rusty.

Due to all these and more, I was convinced that we were for each other. So, after some time, I tried to make my move....
...and failed before I even managed to try. This was really hard to get over (I really can't find words to express how I felt for her), and I still am not completely over it.

So we're back to where I began: I'm 18 and I've never had anything that would resemble a relationship. This doesn't make me feel too well, you understand.
Next month I'm going to college. Lots of new people, lots of things waiting to happen, and life goes on. But as I reflect back on everything I've said here, I feel like I've lost.

You see, even if somehow (by a miracle) I find the opportunity to have a relationship now, I wouldn't be able to. School's over. Now "relationships" aren't as innocent as before. Things would be expected of me that I cannot give, having never been in a "simpler" relationship before.

Imagine that you're expected to ride a motorcycle at full speed, when in fact you have never even touched a bicycle. Can you do it? No.
How will I ever be able to have an adult's relationship when I've never had a child's or a teenager's one? I really don't see how that would be possible, and it's eating my heart out. Sex can be substituted, but the whole "I love you - You love me" part cannot.

If you haven't given up on reading until now, I thank you for listening to my regrets. I don't know what you got out of all this, but whatever it is, I'd like you to tell me. If anyone can give me a reason to have hope, even though I don't see it's possible, I would appreciate it.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have had crushes all my life but what you are describing is possibly verging on the obsessive.

    You need to get the courage and confidence to tell people how you feel BUT be strong enough to accept rejection if and when it comes.

    Sometimes if you want something badly it is easy to convince yourself that positive signs are there when really they are not. Not that I'm saying your intuition is bad but reading the signs correctly is a difficult skill, particularly if your self esteem is low to start with.

    I think going to college will really open things up for you. My first relationships were at college (Though they were all no sex relationships). Perhaps try not to pin all your hopes on one girl.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, relax! I'm not trying to belittle you, but it's not exactly unheard-of fr an 18yrold guy not to have had a relationship before. I got together with my (now ex-)boyfriend when he was 18 and had never kissed a girl, never been out with a girl, but had had crushes on girls before. It didn't affect our relationship at all and we were together for well over a year. So you could have a lovely girl just round the corner.

    Also, going to college will be great. You'll meet loads of new people including girls, and hopefully also gain a bit more confidence and mature a bit, so you can be more relaxed about crushes. Maybe then you'll have the courage to make a move with these girls.

    I know it probably seems scary now because you think people will expect you to have had relationships before, but it's really not a problem. The girls, if they're worth it, won't care at all. Everyone's different, there are no real rules about a 'teenage relationship' and an 'adult relationship' - you do your own thing, and take things at your own pace. Smile :)
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks, that reassurances made me feel quite better. As for the past, you are very right about what you said, and I've realized that myself. I only said it because I had to get it out.
    Thanks again, lots.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You definately have nothing to worry about on the 'adult relationship' front. You may be a late developer on the relationship side of things but hey...just think of all the fun you're going to have catching up!! :D

    I'm sorry that you've had crushes that didn't work out. Sometimes as the others have said it's best just to take a deep breath a say what you feel. Don't suddenly come out with 'I love you' but just casually ask if they fancy going out sometime. If you get rejected don't let it get you down, out there there's someone for you...you've just got to find them!

    I'd never had a relationship til I was nearly 18 and yes it was scary but it was also a lot of fun learning along the way.

    Smile :D it's good for you ;)
    Hx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't have as much to worry about as you think you do. Just because you lack experience doesn't mean you won't catch up.

    I know I'm only 16, but I never thought I'd be in a relationship, and I went from almost nothing to where I am now in literally 10 days. So you never know what tomorrow'll bring.

    Keep your chin up, being depressive about it won't help your chances at all. You just need to see yourself for all your good points and hope someone else can really get to know you.

    Good luck with it all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there crap anyway! :thumb:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    woah! dont stress honey! you're only 18! i always say this to people and i stand by it: don't look for love, and don't worry about it. The more you think about it the more it will bother you. It was only when i gave up on getting into a relationship that one finally came along. Just have faith that it will happen to you but remember than it just when you think it's about to happen, it might not. Love's like that. Keep your chin up and a smile on your face, and you will get there!
    ciao!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't worry mate... i'm nearly 19, only kissed my first time last october, and have still never had a relationship. Its just a case of being patient (which can be difficult at times, especially the more lonely ones). You have my sympathies and I hope things work out for you soon enough. The 'right' girl will come along when you least expect it - i mean the girl i'm trying to date at the moment i met in a bus queue back in freshers' week!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ma mates 21 and he only had his first kiss recently cos i kinda engineered it when drunk!

    he was apparently a pretty good kisser, and he'd never kissed anyone before! so no probs!
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