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Should I shouldn't I?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, I split up with my boyfriend of 16 months a couple of weeks ago because he treated me like I didn't matter and took me for granted - we were bickering loads about it, and because we're at different unis that made it even harder. We were really close though, and most of the time we got on really well.

Since then, he's been taking it really badly which I didn't expect, because I didn't think he cared that much; but he asked to meet up for a drink last week and we did, and were on really good terms - he apologised every 10mins for not treating me right and for 'messing things up,' and I was so happy because I finally felt appreciated. I still knew I'd done the right thing though; a relationship wasn't going to work any more.

We plan to stay friends, and I know how it is, things change and after a while you don't care any more, but I think we do stand a fairly good chance because we were quite good friends before we got together and we get on really well. BUT usually I think it's best to have a period of not seeing one another to allow your feelings to dissipate etc, which we don't seem to be having.

Anyway now I get to my point (sorry for rambling but I just wanted to give enough details so that hopefully you can tell me what to do!!) - I'm back at uni, he's still at home and bored, and he wants to come up and visit for a night. I'd like to see him because I do miss him, but it's so hard to psychologically separate 'getting on' and 'being together' ie. I think we'll just go back to acting as if we were still going out. Which means, among other things, being physically close, kissing, and since he'll be staying in my room, probably sleeping together.

I know that'll probably happen but it doesn't really bother me - I think as long as I keep in mind that the relationship's over and after he's left that's completely it, then it shouldn't cause too much emotional worry. But at the same time, I feel as if I should really have more will-power and realise that I need to let go, or it could get messy.

So basically.... should I let him come and stay?! I know this is quite badly and lengthily explained but please try and make sense of it! I don't know what to do :(

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think if you're sure you've made the right decision and that a relationship isn't going to work its maybe a bad idea to start getting into this again, plus the fact that if he is taking it badly then he may be wanting to come up hoping this will happen :confused: and also hoping it could mean you two getting back together.

    you obviously care about him so if there is no chance for you two maybe its a good idea to give each other space and time for him to realise its over for good, before both of you get hurt even more.

    on the other hand if you make sure he is definitely aware of the fact you're not going to get back together and it is just a bit of fun then maybe you'll be ok? im not sure its really up to you to judge how he'd take it :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks, Sugar. Yeah that's the problem - if I do let him come up, I'll make sure he knows it doesn't mean we're getting back together, but I don't want to hurt him. It's just weird because I've never felt I really could hurt him, because he usually seemed not to care enough. A lot of the time it was a front though, and I realise that even more now.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    God, dont invite him up, unless youre going to put him in the guest room of your hall.

    If hes cut up about the relationship, having him in your room is the worst possible thing. If you have sex hell think youre getting back together, and if you dont hell mope because hell realise that youre *not* getting back together. All it will do is cut him up- if he likes you enough to apologise every 10 minutes, he likes you enough to be hurt that you dont want him.

    Its too messy. Dont.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit
    Its too messy. Dont.

    i'd say the same.

    it's ok to keep seeing exes, but if it's a new break up, and he's still a bit sore, it'll just be rubbing his face in it.

    i would say if you're going to meet up, only meet up for a few hours, and do it in public, so he can't get all emotionally blackmailly on you.

    although if you're at really different unis, that might be hard...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know kaffrin, I do think that you need time apart at the end of a relationship to sort out your feelings. I just keep telling myself 'maybe the time apart can start tomorrow...' but I should probably just let go.

    I know it's messy! But if he knows we're not going to get back together...?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by perfect***day
    I just keep telling myself 'maybe the time apart can start tomorrow...' but I should probably just let go.

    that's normal though, you were together a long time. you have to get used to being just you again, which feels quite scary and wrong at first, and it's all too easy to go back to being with them, even if it's only being with them as friends, because that's what you know.

    but if you take a deep breath, and take some time away from him(totally away, no texts, no phone calls, just space) you'll find yourself thinking 'i'm not with him, and i'm doing fine'. and then when you get there you're in a better position to make other decisions about him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by perfect***day
    But if he knows we're not going to get back together...?

    If you have sex with him less than a week or two after you left him, then hes not going to see it as a bit of fun, and hes not going to see it as one for the road.

    It will mess him up, so it is beft left well alone. If youve been together so long, and you split, hopping straight back into bed will raise his hopes just to dash them. See how itd be if hed chucked you, but wanted to keep having sex with you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't do it yet if I were you. As you know I have been there before after breaking up and it's not a good idea. If you want to see him and be mates it's be much easier if you left it a bit longer so that it wasn't quite so 'raw' especially as he's still taking it quite bad. It is hard to stay apart cos you're so used to having him around and all that, but from experience it's very hard to be just mates if you see each other so soon afterwards. Good luck though :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit
    See how itd be if hed chucked you, but wanted to keep having sex with you.
    Hang on, it's not quite like that. He's the one who wants to come and see me, and he's the one who's called me. It's almost the other way round. That's why I gave you quite a few details in my first post - even when I dumped him, it wasn't because my feelings towards him had changed and because I didn't care; it was because his feelings had changed and he didn't seem to care, he just wasn't going to make the step and end it. And anyway it's not just about the sex, it's about the whole thing of being with him as if we were still a couple.

    *is now feeling cheap at thought of using him for sex*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by perfect***day
    Hang on, it's not quite like that.

    No, I know it isnt for you, but you ended up having sex with him without any intention of getting back together HE might end up feeling used. That was what I was meaning, I didnt think youd do it intentionally:)

    Hes taking the split badly, and hes trying to be with you to patch things up. If you want to get back with him then invite him up, but youve said that youre not really sure- in that case, dont invite him up for a bit. The break might make you both see what youre missing, or it might make you both see its for the best.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Grr. I hate being told something I don't like hearing but I know is sensible.:(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No. It's not a good idea. You say it's just a friendly thing and I know you're not the sort of person who'd just use him for sex but you've immediately highlighted the sexual side of things. Do you really think that's what he has in mind? He just wants to come down to see you to have sex? And even if he does think that, isn't it true that he didn't come to visit you at all when you WERE going out? How does that make you feel, the thought of him coming down to sleep with you when he didn't when you were actually his girlfriend? Sorry to be harsh but you're both going to get hurt if this happens. Even if you both think you can handle friendly, no strings attached sex, it's too soon and if he's really taken it badly then you sleeping with him will just complicate his mind more. If you ask me, it's too soon for you even to be proper friends. The feelings are too raw. If you let yourselves be apart for a little while and then try to work on the friendship, then it can work, but if you start messing around with each others feelings so soon then you're going to end up hating each other. Sorry but I feel really strongly about this.

    If he truly wants to come and see you just as a friend then he should be happy to sleep in a seperate room. Don't use him, and don't let him use you.

    Just, no.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by perfect***day
    But if he knows we're not going to get back together...?

    Just have to respond to this as well. How exactly is that going to make a difference? That'll just make you feel less guilty for doing it. It's not going to make him happier knowing that you'll sleep with him but don't want to get back together with him. And even if you make it clear that it doesn't mean you're getting back together, he'll still almost certainly have that hope in his mind.

    It's your decision and I'm sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing you but I really don't want to see either of you hurt!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i had the same feeling of being unwanted with my ex. We ended up splitting. 2weeks after we split he started txtin me sayin how much he missed me etc +i also missed him but i didnt tell him that cos i didnt want to get back together in case i got hurt again+ended up feeling as shit as i did before.
    finally after 2months persuasion im going out with him again..but i cant keep wondering if that was the right decission to make.my judgement was affected by him doing loads of drugs+i wanted2help him through it+i have to a certain extent, but every so often i wonder if i want to be where i am.

    getting to the point...
    You know you dont want to be with this guy so id give urself a bit more time before he stays. i think the time to see each other again will be when both of you a re clear of your feelings+he has realised its not goin2happen again. only when thats accepted can things be ok imo.also wont things be a bit awkward between you??
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