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Should I have finished it or not?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Most of you will know how happy I've been with Asa over the past howveer many months.

Well last weekend things got out of hand and we ended up splitting up. Half of me feels it was for the best and the other half says I've just thrown away the best thing in my life cos I couldn't be arsed doing the running again.

Thing is last week I was really really down, suicide was on my mind cos it just felt like no one cared or wanted to know me anymore. Hadn't seen any of my uni mates properly, family can't be arsed riging, texting, emailing or even coming to see me although they've all been within 5 mins of me. Friends at home never reply to texts, answer their phones or get in touch and although Asa was around he wasn't as well, can't explain that one.

Anyways Friday night me and a mate were going to the cinema, Asa said he might come. Well I sent a couple of texts to say when we were going etc, he never replied. Never heard anything all night, or the following day till 7.30om. Now that aint like him. Anyways texts got all out of hand, from something I really didn't care about too much, just felt it would be nice to have been told what was going on, to a massive arguement, where he refused to talk about anything to me.

Because of the state of mind I was in I really wasn't up to dealing with anything in an adult manner, so Sunday sent him a text saying eiuther he came round and prooved he cared about me to talk and sort problems or it was over. He never came round so I told him where to go.

Now when I think about it that way I feel really shitty and like it was the worst mistake of my life. But then I know he's got a lot of problems and issues about opening up to people, commitment and being scared of being hurt again. I feel I can help him better in that way as a friend, which gives me confidence I made the right decision in finishing it.

But I can't convince myself, I aint depressed about splitting, don't need advice about how to get over people...been through enough break ups to have that down to a fine art. just he might be coming over for a chat today and I don't know how I feel.

We've talked on the phone every night since we split, which is probably about as much as we ever did when we were together and when I talk to him it all feels so wrong to be apart cos i really did think he was there for life, we both did and now this.

I not sure what I'm asking really suppose in a lot of ways just needed someone to talk at. Ad sorry it's quite so long :)

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you know what the replies to this will be. You're feeling let down by those close to you and because of that you let out that aggression and pent up anger out on Asa. You need him more than anything right now by the sounds of it - don't cut yourself off from life completely. Talk to him - it doesn't sound like the end of your relationship to me. It's easy to break up with someone sometimes instead of working through whatever's wrong.

    I'd hate to think you go through life making the same mistakes; this is your chance to make things right. Go for it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awww *hug* Kazbo cheer up! Everyone feels like a spare part from time to time, I've been feeling like that a bit recently and I know how horrible it is.

    But I agree with The Philosopher - you two probably need each other at the moment, and I'm sure if you talked to him and sorted things out, you'd feel so much happier.

    Good luck! Hope you start to feel better soon...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's probably the for the best - when things get like they are/were then it's usually best to split up.

    You've got a new start with new friends and stuff at Uni anyway so make the most of it :)

    Sorry it's not very helpful but I'm really tired.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awww, bummmer Kazbo. :( Doesn't sound like you really want it to be over. If feelings were that bad between you, then you wouldn't have been talking every day on the phone.
    It doesn't sound like you're coping with it as well as you could though, I mean, one minute you're trying to say you're fine, the next you're talking about suicidal thoughts. :( You really need to talk to some friends. Call someone. Talk.
    If there is a chance, would you wan to get back together?

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Mr_Wobble
    Awww, bummmer Kazbo. :( Doesn't sound like you really want it to be over. If feelings were that bad between you, then you wouldn't have been talking every day on the phone.
    It doesn't sound like you're coping with it as well as you could though, I mean, one minute you're trying to say you're fine, the next you're talking about suicidal thoughts. :( You really need to talk to some friends. Call someone. Talk.
    If there is a chance, would you wan to get back together?

    Mr_Wobble ;)

    No I don't want it to be over. But I'm a strong believer that for a relationship to work then you have to be happy in yourself, and Asa isn't...he's got problems and reasons to hate himself from years back and he won't open up about anything, bottles it up and it does hurt me. He doesn't mean to and I know he loves me completely as I do him. And cos of them then I do want it to be over.

    THe suicide thing was before we split up Wobble...I was going through bad time and hadn't heard from him for a while cos he's been busy and stressed at work....it's all come at the wrong time really.

    As for if there was a chance, I aint sure cos of the reason stated above...or is that me trying to convince myself it's better this way?

    Oh and Wobble...as for the talk to friends thing....|I've got some good mates at uni, but they all think i've made the right decision to split with him., so they give biased basis to talking...and as stated before the rest of my mates are ignoring me and when I sat and looked for someone I trusted out of them to call there weren't any.

    Andy if you don't work at rel's they won't work thats one reason for so many divorces in this world. People give up too easily..but then you're a runner anyways. Things most the time are great between us, just because of him hating himself if he feels things getting too heavy he tries to run...yeah he shouldn't, but he's been badly hurt had a lot of shit and it's summat that in time he'll grow out of.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kazbo
    No I don't want it to be over.

    he's got problems and reasons to hate himself from years back and he won't open up about anything

    THe suicide thing was before we split up Wobble.

    As for if there was a chance, I aint sure cos of the reason stated above...or is that me trying to convince myself it's better this way?

    Oh and Wobble...as for the talk to friends thing....|I've got some good mates at uni
    the rest of my mates are ignoring me and when I sat and looked for someone I trusted out of them to call there weren't any.
    Normally I would say it's worth another try, but now you've said he has unresolved problems that he doesn't seem to be willing to sort out, then there isn't much hope. An ex of mine had a few "nutty" problems, which always caused sooo many problems in the relationship that I've sworn that I'll run a mile if I ever get involved in a relationship where she suddenly springs the problems on me. At least if you know about them before (don't know if you did in your case) then you have something to consider - but it's not pleasant when it's just sprung on you. :(

    Ok, I just thought you said you had suicidal thoughts due to the break up. I don't think I'll ever understand the suicide thing - maybe I just haven't had a relationship that intense yet?

    At least you have some friends, even if your old friends have let you down. And you can always come here, as you have, to vent off too. :)

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Mr_Wobble
    Normally I would say it's worth another try, but now you've said he has unresolved problems that he doesn't seem to be willing to sort out, then there isn't much hope. An ex of mine had a few "nutty" problems, which always caused sooo many problems in the relationship that I've sworn that I'll run a mile if I ever get involved in a relationship where she suddenly springs the problems on me. At least if you know about them before (don't know if you did in your case) then you have something to consider - but it's not pleasant when it's just sprung on you. :(

    Basically his probs revolve around him having no self confidence, due to a few silly decisions in life, he feels an outsider in groups, and has done things he aint proud of. All put together makes him hate himself for them cos he aint letting the past go. I knew all this before i got with him, and i've been trying to help him through them. It has been difficult cos he's been hurt in rel's before so he's been scared of it happening again, even though to use his own words he trusts me more than anyone else in the world. But I suppose he also doesn't want to put his probs on me, he thinks he can deal with things himself but thats by isolating himself till it's bottled up somewhere, maybe I should just let him be like that but it aint good for anyone and one day it's gonna get too much for him...been there done that.

    I think after yest though I know he will open up to me as a friend...did start to get somewhere with him, he let his guard down and I think we sorted a few things out....just there's a long way to go. Just wish I knew how he was feeling about everything....oh and Asa if you do come here and read this sorry just felt I needed somewhere to talk things over.

    Ok, I just thought you said you had suicidal thoughts due to the break up. I don't think I'll ever understand the suicide thing - maybe I just haven't had a relationship that intense yet?

    Nah tbh the suicide had nowt to do with Asa at all. Just I know it put too much pressure on him. Thats more to do with before leaving for uni I thought I'd finally made amends for 12 years of hurt and hatred for my family, we were all so much closer and it just feels liket hats been torn away from me now. But I'm dealing with that. going home this week and seeing them all helped a lot.

    At least you have some friends, even if your old friends have let you down. And you can always come here, as you have, to vent off too. :)

    Mr_Wobble ;)

    And I am very grateful to my mates here. It's only been through splitting up with them I've found how good they are. Years of shit friends who always want my support and won't give it back seems to have ended and I can't believe how lucky I've been to find such great friends. :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kazbo
    Andy if you don't work at rel's they won't work thats one reason for so many divorces in this world. People give up too easily..but then you're a runner anyways.
    True sometimes but the only time I've ever 'done a runner' was in a relationship where there was no point in fighting for it as there was no future.
    That can happen and if it has with you then there's no point in carrying on.

    However if you do want to make a go of it then you'll have to stop giving him ultimatums - ie come to see me now or you don't love me/we're finished/whatever.
    That's the behaviour you'd expect from a spoilt brat and it'll only make him want to stay away more.
    He needs his own time without you - and that's as long an amount of time as he wants it to be, otherwise you'll just push him away further and further.

    Basically you both have to work very hard if you want it to work and stop doing things such as above.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by AndyW
    True sometimes but the only time I've ever 'done a runner' was in a relationship where there was no point in fighting for it as there was no future.
    That can happen and if it has with you then there's no point in carrying on.

    However if you do want to make a go of it then you'll have to stop giving him ultimatums - ie come to see me now or you don't love me/we're finished/whatever.
    That's the behaviour you'd expect from a spoilt brat and it'll only make him want to stay away more.
    He needs his own time without you - and that's as long an amount of time as he wants it to be, otherwise you'll just push him away further and further.

    Basically you both have to work very hard if you want it to work and stop doing things such as above.

    Yeah it's the first time I've given an ultimatum and it was basically cos I was too down to deal with anything rationally. Already said that, I just needed someone to show me they cared, yeah putting pressure on him was the wrong thing I know that, but it aint the issue here anyways. Relationship advice I don't need form you of all people.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why? I've never had a bad experience of a relationship before you and certainly haven't since.
    In fact I'm currently in a pretty perfect relationship at the moment :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Because Andy I don't actually want the person who screwed up the entirity of my life, until Asa got me back on the straight and narrow, saying anything to me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks folks....ya were right The Philosopher and perfect***day we did both just need to talk. Both knew how stupid we'd been and felt exactly the same way. It won't be happening again neither of us want to feel that pain and loss, what we've got is special and we do both need each other. Yeah things might need some work from time to time but don't all rel's.

    Me all happy again....:D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kazbo
    Thanks folks....ya were right The Philosopher and perfect***day we did both just need to talk. Both knew how stupid we'd been and felt exactly the same way. It won't be happening again neither of us want to feel that pain and loss, what we've got is special and we do both need each other. Yeah things might need some work from time to time but don't all rel's.

    Me all happy again....:D
    Yay :)
    Congratulations, now make sure you make the most of it and don't do anything silly again! :p Sounds like you're both very good for one another.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by perfect***day
    Yay :)
    Congratulations, now make sure you make the most of it and don't do anything silly again! :p Sounds like you're both very good for one another.

    Hehe...I won't and I give ya permision to slap me if I do :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wooo! Good to hear you're happy again Kazbo, glad to be of help.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yay for you two! From what you'd said on here I thought it was well and truly over with. Glad you pulled your relationship back from the brink. :)

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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