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Nice guys finish last....always.....

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
O.k. im sure this topic must have been vaguely done b4, but i realy am too tired to go back through the archives at the mo, so some nice short quick answers wud b great!

Basically, my girlfriend has told me that me being so nice is starting to bore her. Apparently there is such a thing as being too nice. Fair enuff, i cud try to compensate, mayb by not phoning as often, not telling her i love her as often as i do, not necessarily having sex just when she wants to even if i really dont......

But she just rermembers the old me and so is still bored. The fact that we have a long distance relationship means that i never like to be arrogant or just a git whenever im with her cos i want to cherish the time were together.

What shud i do? I know i shudnt change just for her, but know it seems like im gonna bore her if i carry on or make a concerted effort to not be nice - either way will piss her off and make her move further from me.

Please help.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're right mate this has been done alot of times in the past.
    Being single for now and the foreseeable future, don't take this advice too to heart, but all I can say is that if she wants a bad guy let her go and get one.
    In the end she'll be the one who gets hurt and you'll find a nice girl who likes you for who you are.
    Don't try to change yourself for her cos she won't appreciate it.

    I know that reply was majorly clichéd but its true.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    O.k. im sure this topic must have been vaguely done b4

    Vaguely??? LMAO... It comes up every 2 months and usually gets about 15-20 answers... shit now I feel old <IMG SRC="wink.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    And quite simply, its a common thing which happens, but wouldn't you rather be a nice guy than a player, means people respect you a lot more and as you get older it will pay off as it becomes more important, when your younger people want the fast exciting life and aren't ready for proper relationships and settling down (in most situations)... so just grin and bear it, things will get better <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds to me like she's just trying to cope with the long distance aspect of it all.
    Perhaps when you're together you try a little too hard to be nice?

    Or, when I say that to my boyf I usually mean I want to be dominated in bed, lol! Try it and see what happens. <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aw us girls never know when we've got it good. I'll tell you one of my (female) friend's experiences...

    She went out with a guy for 3 months and dumped him for being 'too nice'. She then went out with the local player, that lasted no more than 2 weeks when she found out he had 4 girls on the go. She then went out with 2 other people (a total of 2 weeks) before finally reconciling with Boy Number 1.

    Basically, what I'm trying to say is that people respect nice guys more. Sure, everyone wants a bad boy, but us girls like a bit of security in the end. Call her a bit less and dominate her in bed (as Bumblebee said!)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah! i was in exactly the same situtation. she said she never felt she needed to try- and needed someone to shout at her sometimes. maybe she enjoyed the chase. or the tragic abusive love affair she had with her 1st bf.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nice guys dont always finish last, im a nice guy and i have a gf and we are both very happy

    everyones time comes sooner or later
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well my advice would be.........

    The next time you see her, wrestle her to the ground and then fart in her eye and then she will know what being mean is all about!!! <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    Apart from that, dump her and find someone that will appreciate you for who you are and the qualites you have!! <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to depress u but have u thought that she's maybe trying to let u down gently? I hope she's not but i know some ppl find it really hard to split up with ppl.

    It's not true that nice guys come last and aren't appreciated... my boyf's a really nice guy + i love him to bits!
    You need to find some1 who'll appreciate u 4 u!
    Dont go changing!

    Em
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with thefairmelissa there on many aspects. I have a male friend who is the nicest person I have ever come across. In view of that, when I first met him, what did I do? Accused him of hiding something because I just couldn't believe someone so nice existed. Don't change at all. <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you very much to everyone who replied - didnt expect more than 2 or 3. Having now established that changing isnt going to help and that its her problem, has kinda made talking to her about it easier. But for the moment i guess im just going to have to wait till things have properly cleared over (other factors have been at play in recent months)

    Again cheers

    *wishes he had a good "final thought"*

    *gives up, shrugs and waves goodbye*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex told me I was too nice - "you're the bloke that every girl wants as their best freind"... and sure enough she was trying to end it, but I hope that not the case here.

    I could see some of her points though. I'd always compromise or say that I didn't mind - so she would get her way on issues. It meant we never argued - and so we didn't get a chance to air any frustration.

    Take her comments on board and adapt but stay true to yourself too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you very much to everyone who replied - didnt expect more than 2 or 3. Having now established that changing isnt going to help and that its her problem, has kinda made talking to her about it easier. But for the moment i guess im just going to have to wait till things have properly cleared over (other factors have been at play in recent months)

    Mind and fart in her eye to show her your nasty side!!!!!! <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="wink.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    *wonders off thinking maybe the advice given isnt as sound as once thought* <IMG SRC="tongue.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The answer to this that works for me : Get Kinky.
    Be nice, roleplay nasty... All the fun of one life with the social responsibilities of the other.

    Hmmm
    ...responsibilities... <runs off to find a dictonary>. Dictionry. Dictionary.
    Hmmmm
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awww! Hun, try not to worry about it! There are plenty of gals out there who like nice guys <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok, now i feel like a terrible person cos i'm the girlfriend (in real life, i am actually Bejam's g/f). The thing is, i have a short attention span, i enjoy being single, and i miss it. I'm not trying to let him down gently before dumping him or anything, cos when we talked at the beginning of our relationship, when we first met, he KNEW that
    a) i wasn't very good at relationships, and
    b) i get bored very, very easily.
    I'm not trying to justify how i've behaved, or anything like that, because i don't think i've done anything wrong, i've just been trying to obtain some thinking time for myself as there ARE mitigating circumstances, which i could do with some time to think about. I've forgotten what i'm trying to say now, except for this - babe, you hold me down and fart on me, i will be SO unimpressed.
    Edited cos i want to say this -
    1 - we NEVER, EVER have sex when he doesn't want to cos he complains too bloody much, i've just given up, and
    2 - I did not say that i was getting bored of him cos he was were too nice. I just said that there were fucked up things in my head at the moment that i thought it would be easier to sort out if we cooled things off (i.e, stopped being so intense) for a while. That's all.

    [ 09-04-2002: Message edited by: punkinlondon ]
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have actually now given up caring abt a g/f, because i'm so used to not having one that i can't imagine what it would be like to have one. it would seem that i'm a 'niceguy' - some girls once secretley quizzed me with innocent questions on MSN when i thought i was talking to someone else. they all thought i sounded like such a nice bloke that they all wanted to meet me. (i now fancy one of them, but that's another story). even my ex-g/f who wasnt actually a g/f at all said i was a bloody nice bloke just after i'd split up with her . . . . . ah well. the hell with them <IMG SRC="eek.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="tongue.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In deciding on an appropriate remedy for your unattractive situation, I have taken a neutral viewpoint. I have tried to produce arguments based entirely on what has been said in this thread, so I apologise if I have said anything which is untrue.

    ***Apologies if I do not make much sense or if my grammar is wrong - I am tired and my bath is calling.***

    ---

    One of the main requirements in any relationship is compromise. It is important that both sides can compromise, in order to reach an agreeable conclusion. If you did change to become less nice (which I wholeheartedly disagree with), what would your girlfriend do in return? It appears that, in changing, you would be the only one who would be compromising. This is undesirable and unfair. But are you sure that this is what your girlfriend said? She stated that she merely wants you to back off, not change your personality, which, if true, would mean that neither of you would have to compromise.

    Another important element of all relationships is honesty. It seems that your girlfriend has been honest with you from the outset, stating, "I get bored very, very easily." This does not suggest that you are boring. Indeed, she said: "I did not say that I was getting bored of him".

    Love is arguably the most important factor in any relationship. It seems obvious that you love your girlfriend by your intense - but understandable - behaviour. Does your girlfriend claim to love you? It could be argued that, in asking you to change your entire personality, your girlfriend does not love you. Why would she want to change who you are if she did love you? Surely she would love you for who you are? Furthermore, in saying that she misses being single, I believe that it is highly unlikely that she does love you, and suggest that you directly ask her whether she does or not.

    Clearly, you two are in a difficult position. If I were in your position, I would ask myself whether I was happy, whether the relationship was what I wanted, and whether it was fun and enjoyable. I appears that you two are not happy, and that your relationship is not fun or enjoyable. So is it worth saving? You two need to talk to each other about what you want, and to find out whether you love each other. If you do not love each other, perhaps you should call it a day.

    [ 14-04-2002: Message edited by: Mobily ]
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well said, Mobily.

    Indeed, this post has been done, I think I started one of the recent incarnations. Long distance relationships are tough on everyone, even the nice guys.

    I sympathise with you both, and hope that it works out for the best for both of you, and that you can talk this through. But, I'm afraid, I can't offer more than Mobily, so I suggest you ponder that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    unfortunatley, we couldn't. <IMG SRC="frown.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She doesn't necesarily mean be cruel to her but she is looking for a bit of action and a bit of passion in your relationship! Play the game and the rewards will be worth it!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ungk... just experiencing a profound unease about you both posting in this thread. Hard for folks to be both parties' confidant...

    Anyway - punkinlondon is sending all the SPLIT UP signals. Missing being single, and the stuff about fucked-up things in her head and wanting time for herself... not good.

    Bejam, you don't want to get hurt any longer. From one doomed nice guy to another: Get the hell out of there.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah if I'm not a pushover, I'm "being funny" and if I am then I'm just being..well a pushover!

    Sheesh :P

    Women <IMG SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think most women want a nice guy but they also want someone with some passion, not just sexually but in general, it's all to easy to be a nice-but-dull guy who girls love to have as a friend but don't view as bf material (at least not for themselves). I think I'm a nice guy and when I split with my ex she told me that she wished I'd been a bit mean to her every now and then, she felt like she could just walk all over me and that's not really a good thing when taken to extremes.

    So my advice to all you nice guys is stop worrying, you'll get your girl, just show them that a nice guy can still offer them fun and excitement.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    fair dews it is good to be a nice guy my g/f loves it she has never had anyone who treats her as nice as i do though we both come from bad experiences in the past like bad school life .e. being bullied and bad relationships but i dont stick to one thing try different tings with her coz me and my girl are in a long distance relationship but the good thing she wants to move in with me so we are in th middle of sorting that out at the mo. but ask her what she wants from you get her to explain what she wants then tell her what you want as well..... you know negotiate a little. hopefully it will all work out any way good luck my friend <IMG SRC="cool.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="cool.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="cool.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="tongue.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> ps remember negotiate it will work if not she isn't worth the bother she either loves you or she dont.....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think girls trust me at first!

    I am not exactly a "good" boy with most things but with loyalty/honesty/trust etc I am the best you could get as a friend/boyfriend, whatever.

    Being nice just comes naturally to me but then again so does not being good! lol

    Oh well, hopefully one day someone will love me for being my unique self <IMG SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    Phil <IMG SRC="tongue.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why don't you bang some other bird rite, and as you near the point of no return, phone her up and let her listen.

    or you could just tell her to act her age, and tell her she should be lucky to have such an caring and understanding bf

    or to be a real man, just don't phone her, lie to her, and cheat on her, then she see she got herself a real man.

    now with all this free time your have on you hands, what are you going to do?.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah, thanks Harmless, really helpful, mature advice.
    As i had mentioned before, we split up. It was a long distance relationship, and there were/are things going on in my head which WEREN'T fair on him, i know... but they were there and there was very little that i could do about them. we talked about it and decided it wasn't fair on him as he felt that he was in the relationship on his own, and as i didn't know how long it was going to take me to work it out, it would be easier on both of us if we broke up. I do miss him, yes, but i also think it was the right thing to do. I care very much about him, and would prefer to do anything rather than hurt him (which, i admit, i did sometimes unwittingly do). We are still friends (i hope!) because he is far too much of a nice person to let him out of my life completely. At least this way, we can stay friends instead of forcing it out to the bitter end and ending up hating each other. S. x
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