Home Politics and Debate
Exciting news! Join our watch club and get free access to NOW for 1 month

Drinking after a funeral

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
After a funeral would you go to the pub for a piss up?
I have never gone to the pub after a funeral, I know this might sound stupid and it probably is but its as if your celebrating something. Like if its someones birthday you all meet at the pub and get pissed or a christening you go to the pub and celebrate. I know this is going to sound stupid but Ive always felt this way.

Does anyone else feel like me? I know when my son died after the funeral there was NO way we were going to the pub, I was not in any mood to socialise at a pub and try to put on a show.

So what does everyone else think ?
«1

Comments

  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,180 Skive's The Limit
    Re: Drinking after a funeral
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    So what does everyone else think ?

    Every time one of my mates die (which now seems to be a regular thing) we go down the pub and get seriously hammered. We celerbrate the fact that we knew them, we have a laugh telling stories, but mainly we remember them together. In my mind that's the bast way. It's better to be with you other mates who feel the same, rather than bottle it up on your own.

    The last mate we lost at the begining of August and we went staright over the pub after the funeral. All his familly were there and it gave them a chance to see how many mates he had and chat with them - we had a buffet some serious drinks and then slowly poeple made their way home as the day wore on.

    I'm sure as hell that my mates wouldn't have wanted us all to mope about - if it had been someone else they'd be there getting pissed up too.
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you think with it being a mate it may effect you different ? like if they were family or very close friends would you still be able to go to the pub?

    I find it hard to cope with things like this which is why I probably prefer to go home or for a walk and get over it in my own company.

    I dunno really :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we all went to the pub after my nanas funeral, but it wasnt a piss up, it was more of a wake. there was a buffet and i spoke to a lot of family that i didnt even know existed or hadnt seen since i was a baby. It was nice actually, and my nana would have loved it.
    I can understand you wouldnt want to do that after the death of your baby, I think thats completely different and understandable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what you mean, I think I would be a bit uncomfortable if it was someone very close to me. I think the idea isof a "celebration of life" rather than death.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rainbow its anyone close to me I just couldnt face the pub. i think its because afterwards I feel horrible, look horrible and I feel as though im celebrating their death.
    Im sure its just my way of thinking and I know it sounds stupid, i just cant help it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dunno... depends on the culture. In Spain they take a more dramatic posture and at times it seems like a grieving contest. I prefer the British way, which unless is dealing with a very young person tries to 'celebrate the life' and try to remember the good times the deceased brought to all.

    As I understand it in Ireland it is customary to go to the pub, and in small villages is not uncommon for the funeral procession to take the coffin inside the pub for a good sending off before going to the burial. I think that is GREAT, and that the deceased would be proud of such thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am from a working class Glasgow family and it's expected that we hit the pub and have a right old bevvy after a funeral. Like Skive said, we tell stories and celebrate their lives.

    That said, I've never really lost anyone close to me since I've been of a drinking age, only older relatives and friends siblings. I don't know how I'll react when it's someone I truly love. I think it would be really inappropriate with the death of a baby or child.

    I hate to think of ever losing my Gran who I love more than life itself, but she is a non drinker and I don't think a drinking session would be apt there either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im too young to get pissed and I dont like people drinking/getting pissed. I would not do that after a funeral at all.

    People deal with it in their own way. I.e you taking a walk after it.

    Im sorry to hear that you lost a son Becky. What age was he?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As Aladdin said it's pretty much up to customs. And circumstance. I don't think that most people would go out to celebrate after their child's death. And with a parent it might be hurting, but it's more natural, and you can think of the fact that he/she actually got the chance to experience life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Jazza Bing

    Im sorry to hear that you lost a son Becky. What age was he?

    It was quite some years back, he was 8 weeks old :(


    So what happens in a culture where its tradition to go out and drink after a funeral, surely there must be people like me who could not face the pub. So what then?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    It was quite some years back, he was 8 weeks old :(


    So what happens in a culture where its tradition to go out and drink after a funeral, surely there must be people like me who could not face the pub. So what then?

    To be honest I think that it is a very British/ Northern Europe thing to do. People like you, simply don't go. Which is perfectly understandable. I don't understand the getting pissed part at all. But as said it's down to culture and upbringing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Jacqueline the Ripper
    To be honest I think that it is a very British/ Northern Europe thing to do.

    So what happens after a funeral where you are then ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    So what happens after a funeral where you are then ?
    In regular Danish circles it is normal to invite home or a café for a drink. Of course it depends.
    With my own grandmother it was a weird experience, as no one had really expected her to ever die, lots of anger (my dad and uncle don't speak to each other, and the hospital crew treated my dad in a very disrespectful way) and mixed feelings involved. So we went home, and I think everyone just contemplated in their own kind of way, about what now, what's happened, where do we go from here, etc.
    With my friends granddad it was a man who had all his life enjoyed inviting people over, taking them out on his treat, and generally liked fellowship around him, so they invited the nearest for coffee and cake where people just talked, and did something he'd enjoy.

    In Israel you go home. But for a week after you sit at home only and people come round with food, and comfort. There going out to drink would be regarded as one of the most disrespectful thing which could occur after a death.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What feels right for some may not be right for you..........

    my dad lived in a very remote part of Donegal and he died suddenly. Although he wasn't religious he was buried in the catholic church because the protestant church refused to do a secular service (And his wish to be shot from a cannon into the sea or buried on his land was impracticle if not impossible!)

    In keeping with local tradition the men from his area of the townland carried the coffin into the church. They dug the grave and filled it in afterwards.

    As a thank you we gave them a bottle of whisky each. This was important for one of the local old men in particular because every Sunday evening for the past 6 years my dad had stopped off at his farmhouse where they had shared a glass of malt and chewed the fat about the goings on in the world.

    After the funeral everyone went to one of the three local pubs and we had good old vegetable soup and home made bread and all raised a glass or two to my dad.

    Many of the people there hadn't really known me and my brother and sister but remembered us growing up in the village, and they all knew my dad.

    We didn't get pissed or outrageous, but we just all talked about him and us and them and it was a brilliant day that brought me closer to the people who had known him.

    We weren't celebrating his death - far from it. It was the worst moment of my life when I saw the coffin come down the hill it was a painful day from the time we picked wild flowers from his farm to the moment they lowered the coffin into the ground BUT what we all did was celebrate his life, talk about our memories and remember the good times before he died. There is such a thing as raising a glass to celebrate the time we did have with him and the good the bad and the ugly parts of his life with us.

    when we sat in that pub I remembered all the times we'd spent drinking guinness or red lemonade and tapping our feet to the local musicians. i met people I had never even seen before but who were important in my dads life.

    I don't regret it but each to their own.

    If I ever go to that pub I still raise a glass to the old sod!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Jacqueline the Ripper
    In regular Danish circles it is normal to invite home or a café for a drink.

    Now I would go with that option myself. To be honest thats what we did, went back home and had tea/coffee to calm nerves more than anything.

    I suppose in some ways I find it disrespectful going for a drink afterwards. When really I shouldn't, especially if we are talking older people. Older deceased people would not want everyone sad and sitting at home.

    Its wierd this subject isnt it, so many traditions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    byny the way you have just put your post across sounds a a lot better than what I imagined would happen at the pub afterwards.
    Where I live they arrange a buffet etc and its as though they are celebrating and I just dont like the thought of that. Im a more reserved person when it comes to things like this. I think part of me says dont go to the pub because to take away any pain I had then I would drink, get drunk and then be 10 times worse. I would not be in control then and probably show myself up or something like that.
    Yeah I think the way you did things sounded just right :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why does the age of the deceased matter? In 50 years time I'll be 83...does that mean that then Iwill deserve more 'respect' on my death than if I died tomorrow?
    My dad died on a Friday while I was at the pub...when i got home the phone rang and I ignored it...turned out it was my dads girlfriend trying to get through to tell me he had had a heart attack.

    When My brother and sister came to tell me the next day i couldn't believe it. It was an amazingly sunny and beautiful day but I felt like I was in a dream.

    After a nightmare flight to Dublin and an overnight stay with (lovely) people I'd never met we got to Donegal on Sunday afternoon.

    My dads three roomed cottage (Thats three roomed NOT three bedroomed) was packed yet there were only 7 people there at one time. The funeral was on a Tuesday - by which time we had talked ourselves out, to the point where I just wanted to be left alone.

    By the Tuesdy I was, I thought, all cried out - until I saw the coffin and had to sit through the service, during which my dads cousin read out some of my dads writing and spoke of how my dad was such an influence on him as a young adult - taking him to folk clubs and turning him onto some good shit.

    After the funeral the pub (in a village with an adult population of less that 200) was a natural place for us all to get together and for us to thank them for their support and care.
    A three roomed cottage would not have been the right place, instead -bathed in sunshine and good wishes - we celebrated his life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by byny
    Why does the age of the deceased matter?

    Because I couldnt celebrate the life of my 8 week old son, could I.
    Thats the difference.

    I Dont think you seen the post I just posted before you, as I said it did sound nice the way you did it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with you - if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

    its all down to personal experience and also I guess to do with age....

    If I lost a child I'm sure going to the pub wouldn't figure in my plans either.

    I think too that celebrating a birth/christening with a good old piss up is not quite the way to do things.
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,180 Skive's The Limit
    Where I live, pretty much everyone who's knows the deceased goes down the village pub and has a drink with everyone else. No one's 'expected' to go - just the people who want to. And not everyone gets hammered either.

    It's each to their own isn't it. I believe that poeple should be left to deal with death the way 'they' want to deal with it - there's no rules to say how people should behave after someone has died.

    I also think that the death of a baby and the death of a mate are also two very different things, but in no way did I ever think I was being disrespectful to my mates by having a drink after their funerals!
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by rainbow brite
    we all went to the pub after my nanas funeral, but it wasnt a piss up, it was more of a wake. there was a buffet and i spoke to a lot of family that i didnt even know existed or hadnt seen since i was a baby. It was nice actually, and my nana would have loved it.

    We had the same after my grandfather's funeral. It was nice to see the people he had known and worked with, most of whom I had never met.
    Every time one of my mates die (which now seems to be a regular thing)

    How come so many of them are dying (assumng they aren't all 100 years old)?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by byny

    I think too that celebrating a birth/christening with a good old piss up is not quite the way to do things.

    You don't agree with the old "wet the babies head" Byny? I think its a great tradition...with the exception of when I had my bubba and had to lie in a uncomfy hospital bed with an ice pack between my legs and cabbage leaves on my boobs, knowing my nearest and dearest were having a riot. :rolleyes:

    My wee ones Christening was an absolute blast and I suppose in a way, I felt a bit guilty, but it was a very stressful day what with organising everything. By the time I reached that funtion room, I was desperate for a BIG glass of wine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dunno - My friend had a naming ceremony and got people to read out poems and stuff for the child and it ws quite nice. then we all had a buffet and a small drink but with the baby there (And other peoples babies too) it would probably have been a bit mad to get rolling drunk. Same true of funerals - a nice social drink is good but getting wrecked? NAH!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If the drink is free i'm there but strictly to celebrate the persons wonderful life.

    Not to take advantage of the free booze ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Drinking after a funeral
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    After a funeral would you go to the pub for a piss up?
    I have never gone to the pub after a funeral, I know this might sound stupid and it probably is but its as if your celebrating something. Like if its someones birthday you all meet at the pub and get pissed or a christening you go to the pub and celebrate. I know this is going to sound stupid but Ive always felt this way.

    Does anyone else feel like me? I know when my son died after the funeral there was NO way we were going to the pub, I was not in any mood to socialise at a pub and try to put on a show.

    So what does everyone else think ?
    it's a fleeting visit to this place becks so i haven't read through it ...
    first funeral was my granny ...always been there ...always been old ...suddenly dead. people went past the coffin and kissed her ...it was awful ...i did it becuase thats what was expected.
    i knew i would never do it again for anybody ...then my mum died in her early forties. i didn't kiss her in her box. i'm so glad i didn't. thats not the last kind of kiss i needed from my warm lovely mum.
    my first funeral ...they buried my gran ...i was 12 ...and all went to a big hotel where all this food was waiting ...all planned ...
    my grans dead and people who haven't spoken to each other for years are all ...well you know the story.
    and over the years ...yes, an old mate has gone, if we hadn't got pissed it wouldn't have been right.
    but the death of a child is far far more different. nobody would dream of off to the pub unless ...in despair.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After my Nan's funeral we went to the pub and it was awful, maybe because of what a state my mother was in. She's usually tea total and took to drinking neat brandy and I think that was what bothered me... but at the same time I handle death quite well and probably would go down the pub unless it was a very close family member or friend as my 'tribe' are the very force that keeps my heart beating.

    Maybe it sounds insensitive of me to say so, but that's the way I am. I'm fairly toughened up with bed things happening and my beliefs are comfort enough for me.

    I don't want a funeral, especially not a Christian one. I just want to be put in a cardboard box and burried under a tree so it can take my nurtrients. I don't want my family to have their last memories of me in a coffin being taken down a church aisle. It sounds offensive maybe to people who believe in funerals, but I find some pretentious.

    Then again, my nan's was humanist and very beautiful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The death of a child is a horrible thing. I would be too numb to do anything were it were my child or that of someone I knew. I could not go to the bar.

    My death is something else altogether. I want my friends to get piss drunk and enjoy themselves. I don't want to be remembered with tears or sadness. As the saying goes, "If you can only remember me with sadness and tears then don't remeber me at all".

    I'd also like to leave a tape of myself telling everyone what I think of them!
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,180 Skive's The Limit
    Originally posted by Captain Slog
    How come so many of them are dying (assumng they aren't all 100 years old)?

    I've lost three mates two traffic accidents in under a year, and one back in 2001 from solvent abuse who left a girlfriend expecting his baby son. :(

    In the past year:

    My mate Paul (20), nicked his mother's car and crashed it into a tree after several drinks. A Land Rover then hit him as he was getting out. This lad had a habit of nicking motors and even once wrote mine off while I slept and it didn;t really come as a big suprise. If it was goign to be someone it was gonna be him.

    My mate Martin (25) died almost exactly a month later in the passenger seat of another mate of mine who had also drunk too much. The drivers now residing in Winchester for 3 years after getting convicted of Death by Dangerous Driving.

    And finally my mate Dean (25) died at the start of August in a motorcycle crash. He hadn't been drinking but was almost certainly speeding.

    We had a thouroughl'y good piss up at each funeral. It must be incredibly unlucky to lose three mates in this short amount of time, but at least people round here have stopped drink driving. It's just a shame that this is what it took to stop them.

    They say things come in three's so I hope that's it!
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess it does depend on who has died, and how you feel. I personally do believe in having a few drinks and having fun- the funeral is the act of remembrance for the death, the wake is the act of remembrance for the life, if that kinda makes sense. But we normally have a wake at home- eat some food, drink some wine, and celebrate the life of someone we knew and loved.

    But I suppose the loss of a child is something else. If its an eighty-year-old mother dying of old age the celebration of the life seems apt, if its a young baby then I dont suppose it does. Especially as its kinda wrong in a weird sort of way to be burying your own child.

    But as much as everything, its up to you as to what you do. Normally Id like to celebrate the life, but if my child died I dont know if I could bring myself to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Gawd Skive you had it rough then :(
    How the hell did you get through that, must have been hard.

    I suppose its what we are brought up with, what the tradition is in the family and obviously who's funeral you are going to.

    But I dont intend going for a long time so I aint going to prepare my funeral :D
Sign In or Register to comment.