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Me, in a nutshell

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
i dont like me and never have. for all my life people have made me feel worthless.
my sister was treated better than me, and so are my younger brothers. I get no end of shit from people i know, and people i dont know. People have stopped me in the street and punched me in the face. I spent my school life being pulled of my bike going home and being hit and kicked. i used to stay at school for an extra hour so I could leave on my own.

the only time i did not get any verbal abuse was when there were teachers around, no one respected my view and went out of THEIR way to go against it and make me feel stupid. I had no friends at school, and no friends outside of school.

I would get abuse from people i did not know 2 years after i left school. people in clubs have a go at me and ruin my limited time out. i went to ibiza and got the piss taken out of me by people i did not know. i had some guy nearly beat the living shit out of me for just being in the same club as him on the same dancefloor.

everyone talks behind my back about me, or just talk about me regardless of whether i am there or not.

the only line of defence for 20 years of complete and utter shit and abuse was to put up all the barriers and bring people down with me... the last year of my school life was spent shouting, abusing, and hurting because it was the only thing I could do to survive... if I did not do that, i would have probably been lying at the side of a road somewhere in a pool of blood.

after school, my IT trainers did not like me, they did not like me there, mainly because I would bite back and reject any orders. my driving instructor did not like me because i would not learn... my supervisor treats me like a 12 year old, people pretend to like me and no one ever talks to me.

i never go out, cos I have no one to go out with. i dont have a girlfriend, and never have. I dont like my image, but wont do anything about it because i aint confident enough. I wont go out on my own because all i would do would be to have one drink in a corner on my own then go home. I spend all night on the Internet or feeling sorry for myself on my own. No one ever phones me, i never phone anyone. Every time i ask someone if they want to go out sometime, i get the "i'm busy" routine. i always get the "cute but no" or "i want you just as a friend" sorta bullshit...

i have this attitude that has built up over years upon years of defending myself physically and mentally. every move i made i have regretted, none of it was ever thought out. rage and anger has taken over my life and that is all I know. when i try and be nice to people I cant. what you see on the exterior bears no resemblance to what is held beneath. I am corrupt, dangerous, fearful and scared.

my work place is shit. i would earn more money on the street. nothing ever works for me. every car i have bought does not work, every person i meet does not want to know me.

i dont even feel like wanting to be here any more. why bother with such a shit life ? i wont bring myself to go see someone about all this crap as i cant see how paying someone to sort me out would work. i cant talk to anyone about my problems, and when I do they just get so pissed off with me because i go around and around in circles over and over...

i just dont know what to do :(

Russ.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Errm, i really dont know what to say to that. Sounds as though you've had a rough time. I suppose you dont really want sympathy, but, tbh, i haven't got any help or advice.

    Just thought I'd reply anyway, y'know, just because...

    Good luck with getting help and sorting yourself out :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiya hunai.

    Where abouts is it you live?

    I dont really know what to say, hope things get better for you. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm in Southampton. The land of the dontwanttoknowruss tribe
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by recrudesce
    I'm in Southampton. The land of the dontwanttoknowruss tribe

    ahem i live in southammpton russ and im a very friendly lass :D where bouts u from? what school u go 2?

    u can pm me if u like
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