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Be strong sisters!!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm confused. Many years ago I ended up in a less than desirable situation with not the nicest of blokes. To cut a long story short I'd made my position clear that I was merely coming in to the house for a drink of the non-alcoholic variety. I was given this and introduced to other equally undesirable people. I went into the bedroom where the door was promptly locked behind me. Despite me saying 'no' the guy still continued to try it on. I cried and shook my head all the way through but was too intimidated by him and his flatmates to scream and fight. I let him fuck me and then let him walk me home afterwards. I let him do this, right? So therefore it was all my own fault. Where, as a society, do we draw the line between consenting and not consenting to sex? I said no, but I didn't push him off me.

For years, I've blamed myself for this incident .... and punished myself in different ways for it. I've also found myself sleeping with people that I didn't really want to because I figured that if I said 'no' it wouldn't make any difference anyway. I always believed that I was doing the right thing but, after a conversation with my boyfriend, I'm not so sure. I don't know anymore.

This post was supposed to be an inspiring one to prevent all other women going through what I did but unfortunately I don't seem to be able to manage that at the moment. Please help me. Was I right? Was he right? I just feel like my mind is going round in circles at the moment and I feel dirty and cheap and whorelike all over again.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Be strong sisters!!
    Originally posted by Loopi
    I said no, but I didn't push him off me.


    Tbh you shouldn't have to. Saying no means you are not consenting.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You refused consent, he had sex with you anyway- thats rape, so theres no need for you to feel cheap and dirty.

    But its a lot easier for me to say than for you to feel.

    Im not sure what to advise you, but there are many support groups out and about on the internet. Many posters here have been raped, so its not something that you have to suffer alone in silence. Go to the RAINN website and read through it- RAINN are a US organisation that support victims of rape and incest. If you feel up to it go and see your doctor about your feelings, and try and get counselling for your difficulties if you can, and feel able to do so.

    But try not to think that it is somehow your fault- this "man" attacked you despite your protestations, and there isnt much else you could have done. But it is a criminal act just like any other- you wouldnt "deserve" it iof you were mugged, so rape (in theory) shouldnt be any different.

    *big hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No should mean no. Irrespective of whether you push them off or not.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Loopi,

    Please don't feel you are in away to blame for what has happened or that you asked for it. As the others have said - no should mean no.
    If you read this article on the site it may be of some help - plus there's a phone number at the bottom if you'd like to speak to someone about what has happened (which I'd advise).
    http://www.thesite.org/info/legal/abuse/sexual_assault.html

    Take care,

    Lu x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, what happened, from what you've said, is rape. As everybody else has said, you shouldn't blame yourself, and you really shouyld speak to someone about it.

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Be strong sisters!!

    I feel sorry for you Hun, I wont say you werent silly for not pushing him off you. But the fact of the matter is you shouldnt need to. He is scum and you should have reported to the police but with all the shit they do now, you'd be locked up probably.

    As for Was he right?, FUCK NO! How can you ask that? It isnt right to do anything like that to a lady!

    The main thing is that you are presumably happy with your boyfriend now and you can put it behind you. Chin up sweety, youll be alright. ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No means No.

    No only means Yes when agreed on beforehand.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some thing happend to me so similar than this, I posted it, but deleted it. Wish I hadnt now, but theres some people who I didnt want to read this.
    ALL I CAN SAY IS YOU WERE RAPED YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND ONCE YOU LEARN TO ACCEPT THIS IT GETS MUCH EASIER TO DEAL WITH.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all your replies. I suppose that I always knew deep down that what he did was wrong but the only way that I was able to get on with my life was just to try and forget about it.

    It's only now that I realise that there are so many things that have happened to me that were probably triggered by that one night. I'd actually buried this memory so far down that I very rarely even remembered that it had happened.

    I'm glad that my boyfriend raised the issue of my past partners the other night though because otherwise I would spend the rest of my life in denial. He was disgusted and thought that I was stupid for not reporting it. In all honesty though, in your first few weeks at University you don't really want to go around accusing people of rape do you?!? It hardly helps with attempting to fit in and all that.

    The past is the past though and I can't afford to dwell on it much longer. The last few days I have been reliving the nightmare all over again. I recognise that he was wrong now BUT I was idiotic for not reporting it at the time.

    Thanks again for all your support and I hope that other people in the same situation would be much stronger than me and report the bastard!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A decent guy won't have sex with a girl when she's crying and shaking her head and saying 'no'. Like other people have said, no means no. Saying no shows that you're not consenting, so yes, you were raped. Please don't think that all guys are like this; you always have a right to say NO and guys should respect that.
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