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(TW suicidal thoughts) I was doing so well and now I’m spiralling again
bignosegirly0
Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
The main thing that’s motivating me to not kill myself is the fact that I’m waiting for a response for an apprentice application which I’ve applied for. I don’t wanna kill myself when I’ve suddenly got the job.
For the past few weeks, ive been doing so great. I haven’t been feeling so depressed or suicidal. I acknowledge that there are people who like me and I’ve been more socialable.
But for some fucking reason, I’ve got into another low episode where I feel so ugly, unlovable and unworthy of staying alive. Literally nothing bad happened. I just woke up like it.
And even though I try to reassure myself of others positive comments of me, I still feel like that ugly child that others have mistreated. I still feel disgusting. I still feel unlovable. I still feel bitter and jealous of other women who get treated decently by men because of their good looks.
I’ve been upset all day yesterday and cried myself to sleep.
I hope I can snap out of this episode randomly. Because anytime I try to snap myself out of these types of episodes, it never works. Going to the gym doesn’t work. Listening to music doesn’t work. Socialising with people I like doesn’t work. Nothing works for shit.
For the past few weeks, ive been doing so great. I haven’t been feeling so depressed or suicidal. I acknowledge that there are people who like me and I’ve been more socialable.
But for some fucking reason, I’ve got into another low episode where I feel so ugly, unlovable and unworthy of staying alive. Literally nothing bad happened. I just woke up like it.
And even though I try to reassure myself of others positive comments of me, I still feel like that ugly child that others have mistreated. I still feel disgusting. I still feel unlovable. I still feel bitter and jealous of other women who get treated decently by men because of their good looks.
I’ve been upset all day yesterday and cried myself to sleep.
I hope I can snap out of this episode randomly. Because anytime I try to snap myself out of these types of episodes, it never works. Going to the gym doesn’t work. Listening to music doesn’t work. Socialising with people I like doesn’t work. Nothing works for shit.
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Comments
It sounds really hard and perhaps overwhelming too (?) to have gone from the head-space of feeling pretty good about things and having a belief in the fact that people love you to now feeling very hard on yourself, ashamed of your appearance, and unsure of your worthiness to live and be happy. I hear you saying too that you're unsure what might have caused your feelings to chat, and I can imagine again that being confusing.
I wonder how you are keeping yourself safe right now whilst you're experiencing these thoughts of suicide?
What kinds of things / people / activities have you been enjoying on the good days that you might be able to connect back in with?
We're here for you through the ups as well as the downs, and its really positive that you've chosen to reach out for help. I hear you listening into yourself and acknowledging your feelings which is a great step!
I’ve been going to the gym with my friends and been more sociable with my coworkers online, as well as been more confident at work. I’m still doing all these things, it’s just that I’ve fallen down a random episode for no reason.