Kinda just done 😭

Rose113

I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m hurting. It’s not getting any easier. “Reach out to people” can’t when people only pretend to care and then they force you to open up and then they just ignore you and leave you on opened making you regret ever bothering. Then you beat yourself up over trusting them…mhmmm

I posted something earlier and someone private messaged me saying I looked drained and asked if I was looking after myself. Told them I’m fine…mhmmm easier than trying to get someone to care, easier than burdening. I’m drained but can’t let anyone know or find out.

Done nothing but cry and tommorow will probably be the same but don’t matter, why would it matter. Not like I do. Sometimes the only way I feel in control is by going silent.

Yk that saying, the one we always here “everything happens for a reason” well what the fuck was the reason for my shitty past and pain. What did I do to deserve to have a “reason” behind that crap

Honestly I’ve just fucking lost my energy and my smile, just deflated and exhausted and filled with tears and pain

It’s funny how when I was 6 I was a laughing little girl that really believed that she would have an amazing life and would become a world famous actress but the only actress I became was one where I’m faking how I feel constantly and the difference is that I’m not doing it by choice, doing it because life has done nothing but wrip me to pieces.

People hurt me and people leave…I don’t blame them I’d leave me if I could but sigh I’m just stuck with me.

Also probably gonna relapse after my birthday which is in 11 days get a tattoo on my birthday so had to stay clean for that which means I’m 41 days harm free / 1 month and 10 days

Wish I could be a jellyfish, no pain, no heart, no brain and zero feelings 🪼

Rose113

Rly don’t want to leave my bed everything hurts physically n mentally

Gemma

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way @Rose113, and I'm grateful that you shared what you're going through, even though it must be hard to put it into words. It sounds like you're carrying so much pain and exhaustion, and it’s weighing you down in ways that feel unbearable.

I hear you when you say it's easier to tell people you're fine than to try and explain what’s really going on, especially when it feels like no one really cares or understands. That feeling of being ignored or left alone after opening up is so painful, and it makes sense why you'd want to just retreat and go silent. It’s like trying to protect yourself from more hurt.

I've often felt that saying, “everything happens for a reason” doesn't resonate when you're going through so much. It’s like, how could there be a reason for all the pain and struggle you've endured? It’s normal to question that, especially when it feels like life has just been one thing after another. You didn't do anything to deserve the pain you've experienced. Sometimes, things happen that are just cruel and unfair, and trying to find a reason for them can feel impossible. It's okay to feel angry and hurt about that - those feelings are valid.

The idea that there's a purpose behind suffering might bring comfort to some, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts deeply and that it's exhausting to keep pushing through. You shouldn’t have to justify or find meaning in what you’ve gone through. It's okay to just acknowledge that it was painful, and that you're still here despite it all - that in itself is a testament to your strength.

You’ve survived so much, and even though it doesn’t feel like it, that says something about your resilience. It's okay to be angry at the unfairness of it all, and it's okay to not see the reason in it. Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough, and that’s perfectly okay.

Reaching 41 days harm-free is a huge achievement, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I know you mentioned struggling with the thought of relapse, and that must be weighing on you too. I'm assuming you mean self-harm when you talk about relapsing?

Can I ask what makes you feel as though you may relapse after you birthday? How have you managed to stay clean this long? Are there things that have helped, even a little, to keep you going?

We can’t pretend to have all the answers or to know exactly how you're feeling, but we do care about what you’re going through, @Rose113. We're here to listen.

Rose113

Thank you @Gemma

I’m just so exhausted with it all and just want to scream and cry about how shit it all is

Yeah relapsing with sh, the usual place that I do it is where I’m getting the tattoo so not been allowing myself to do it and I get my tattoo on my birthday so after it I can just relapse without the risk of anyone seeing if that makes sense