Vent

Rose113

All I do is fake how I feel pretty much all the time. I try put everyone first so no one has to deal with me, as soon as I feel so shitty I start ignoring people's messages so I don't bother people. Yes I'm safe and won't harm myself cos whats the point anymore. I'm living in survival mode and I feel so scared, I feel like im drowning in imaginary water. I'm terrified of water especially pools of water so that don't help.

My sleeping is awful, I fall asleep at like 11:30pm but then wake up crying in the middle of nights from nightmares. I'm exhausted and everything is too hard to deal with alone yet I have to so I dont bother anyone or worry people. I want to cut people off. People don't need me nor won't me, no one loves me, no one ever will.....the pain gets worst day by day. Got anniversary coming up and it feels so hard and it shouldn't be.....its shouldnt be this hard.....it shouldn't 💔

Sorry

ella

Thank you so much for sharing this with us @Rose113 . It sounds really difficult to be carrying all this pain, I am really hearing how alone you're feeling. It must be exhausting to be in survival mode all the time, especially when you're dealing with nightmares and not sleeping well. How long have the nightmares been happening for you?

You mentioned feeling scared and like you're drowning. Can you tell me a little more about what those feelings are like? Is there anything specific that triggers them, or is it more of a sense of overwhelm?

Even though you feel like you're a burden, I want to assure you that there are people who care about you and want to help, @Rose113. Would you be open to talking a little more about what's making this anniversary so hard? Is there anything you can do in the lead up to the anniversary as a form of self care?

Sending hugs

Rose113

@ella for months ive been dealing with the nightmares.

You mentioned feeling scared and like you're drowning. Can you tell me a little more about what those feelings are like? Is there anything specific that triggers them, or is it more of a sense of overwhelm?

I don't know, I guess I just feel like im drowning all the time and like im being suffocated

10th May is 2 years since dad died....yet I only found out last year from a Facebook post when I found my birth mom's Facebook....it just brings so many bad feelings up im glad he is dead but also not....sigh ☹️

Laura_tigger82

This sounds really difficult for you @Rose113, particularly with how you found out about your dad died what might help with the feelings at the moment? Do you want to talk more about what these bad feelings look like for you at the moment?

Rose113

@Laura_tigger82 idk, I guess I dont exactly have anyone to talk to about it much. I'm not sure sorry ☹️

Laura_tigger82

It sounds particularly difficult that you don't feel like you exactly have anyone to talk about it much @Rose113. We are here with you and you can talk to us about it.

Other resources where you can talk to people about bereavement include:

Cruse Bereavement Support
Winston's Wish
Child Bereavement UK

Is there a particular part about it you wish you could talk more about at the moment?

Rose113

@Laura_tigger82 thanks, just dont want to bother them or anyone. I just want to know why it's bothering me so much, I should be completely glad he is dead but idk

Laura_tigger82

You aren't bothering anyone @Rose113. We all care about you and are here for you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve just as much support as you wish to give to anyone else

Rose113

@Laura_tigger82 all I do is bother everyone

amy02

Just checking in with you today @Rose113 it sounds like you have so much to deal with at the moment, and with little sleep that can make things so much worse. When you wake up from nightmares, do you have ways of calming your mind back down? Remember you deserve to be listened to and supported, and aren't bothering anyone by raising things you are struggling with. We are all here for you if you want to share

Rose113

@amy02 I usually just lay there crying

amy02

Sorry to hear that @Rose113 it must be so scary and horrible It may be useful to try out different relaxation techniques if you have another nightmare. For example, some people may use breathing techniques or visualisation to help them relax and try and get back to sleep These can differ from person to person.
This blogpost on Calm has some different tips for getting back to sleep which may be useful (at the bottom of the page): https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-prevent-nightmares

I hope you get some well deserved rest tonight We are here for you

Sindy

I'm so sorry.
This sounds awful.....
I hope things gets easier for u x
Sending love n strength 💪 ❤️