It’s not the act it’s the environment

One-in-a-million

So this is a bit of an awkward post and I’ll add a possible trigger warning
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So I’ve been speaking to someone lately and I really really like him. Now I do want to take the relationship further and more physical but ive got a slight issue…

So when we go out for a walk or something he tends to get a bit frisky and while I don’t particularly mind the part that bothers me is that it’s public. Thats what bothers me. For example the other night we went out and were sitting on the grass, he pushed me over and while it was over clothes he got between my legs and tried to dry hump me. He stopped and again while I didn’t mind about the actual physical contact it was the fact we were in the park, yeah it was later on but with the weather being so hot, what is someone was taking their dog for a late walk and saw it. I’m more of a private person and the thought of someone seeing us is awkward as hell especially if it was someone I knew.

I want to tell him but I don’t wanna push him away but it just doesn’t feel right to have that interaction in the park or anywhere public for that matter.

This is no disrespect to anyone who has done anything in a public place but it just isn’t right for me…

Former Member

hi oiam, to be honest, i think he should know better. everyone should be able to consent and anyone who could've witnessed it couldnt consent to it because obviously, it's not like a random person could predict that in a public place. even more importantly, you didnt consent to that. really he should make sure u fully consent even if it wasnt a public place. if u had any prior discussion about it and it was a less risky place, maybe it wouldnt be so bad. its just common sense and if you are an especially private person, this should be even more obvious than it already is.

i dont wanna assume anything about u guys, but if you think that the whole thing in public is not a deal breaker for you and you think it might be more to do with stupidity on his part than any ill intent, discuss it with him. dont worry about pushing him away, if ur good for each other, he will respect you and your boundaries and wont be mad about u discussing it. if he shows no respect and doesnt care about how u feel, push him away hard coz u deserve someone better, someone who respects you. if u think there is any ill intent and that he wont care about ur feelings about what u guys do, even if it is a bit of a gut feeling, dont bother with discussing it and end things with him. trust yourself and what ur comfortable with. self respect is the most important thing.

Former Member

Hi at @One-in-a-million thanks for your post.

It is really important to have these types of conversations about what you are comfortable with, with a partner in any kind of relationship. I understand why you may feel apprehensive about speaking to this person if you feel this may ruin what you have. However, please remember that how you are feeling about a situation should always come first and you should always feel comfortable with what you are doing.

Even though you may be nervous to bring it up, it would be a really good idea to have a discussion with this person about what you are both comfortable with and establish any boundaries between you. This could simply just mean having an open conversation about things that you enjoy but also bringing up scenarios and settings where you perhaps feel less comfortable, for example in public. If this person is unwilling to change their behavior after you have explained how it makes you feel then perhaps they are not the right person for you, as any partner should respect your boundaries. You should always be free to consent or stop anything you are uncomfortable with.

Remember there is no pressure to do something you personally do not feel comfortable with. Only do what feels right for you

AislingDM

Just wanted to jump on and echo the same thoughts as others @One-in-a-million , you're not doing anything wrong by feeling averse to being overtly sexual in public spaces, plenty of people feel this way. And the fact that you are so respectful of others who do enjoy this just reinforces how understanding of a person you are!!

However, as has been said, it's important to get on the same page with any partners not least of all for consent reasons, but also to ensure that you are having as happy and as healthy a sexual relationship as possible Equally, I understand that broaching these topics can certainly be difficult, especially when you are wrestling with the notion that your honesty might push him away. Maybe this challenge is best confronted by ensuring that you are as relaxed as possible when talking. Talking to people about their sexual desires can be awkward and we want to ensure that he does not feel judged during this conversation, so starting with a simple 'what do you enjoy about being in public?' might be useful. Because then you ensure that you understand his perspective and he has had time to voice his opinion. From this, you could slowly explain what makes you feel uncomfortable about. Before I give anymore advice, I'm wondering if you feel up to having this conversation with him? xx

One-in-a-million

Thank you so much everyone. I haven’t plucked up the courage to tell him yet as my minds been too occupied with other things but I’m thankful to everyone who have given me the advice xx

AislingDM

No worries at all @One-in-a-million I really do hope that you are able to make the best choice for you both, whether that means having the convo or not xx