Unhappy with being alone

Former Member

It's been over a year since my last thing with a girl, and I struggle with feeling alone.

Over this year I've always kind of wanted to be in love again because it's so exciting and fun and it just feels so good but since uni has been online I've not met anyone that I like.

A few girls from my uni have messaged me at some point about various things but honestly I'm just happy to talk to them as a friend. I've not liked anyone since the big one over a year ago, but recently I spoke to a girl from uni and I thought we were quite compatible, I quickly remembered all the stuff that sucks about liking someone because I was constantly thinking about what I said, what I should have said, what she said, what I should say, what she thinks of me, when should I message her, what should I message her, should I message her, blah blah blah...

But I thought about it. I don't even have a crush on her, so why am I so caught up about everything?

I think I saw what I saw as my first chance with a girl in over a year and got so excited about finally talking to someone again that I just didn't even consider how I felt. I don't even know this girl well enough to have a crush on her, and when I think about it I'm totally fine just being friends with her, but this experience has kind of reminded me that I feel alone.

I really want to be loved and I always have, I think it's honestly a pretty big flaw of mine. When I like someone I think about them way too much and I want to talk to them all the time and it's not really fair on the other person, I make an effort not to annoy the other person with too many messages but then it leaves me wanting to talk to them more. I put so much importance on being loved that when I'm alone I just don't feel okay.

I don't exactly know the purpose of this post, but I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for reading it.

Former Member

Hey @Apollo.

I can completely agree that being in love is exciting and fun. I was in a relationship for 2 years and when I got to university, it ended. It's been really difficult to get over it and to find anyone else due to the fact that uni is online so I can completely empathise with you on that one.

Unfortunately, there are many negatives to dating, but there are so many more positives and it's important to find someone that elevates all of these positives. In regards to the girl that you spoke to from uni, possibly you have been telling yourself that you need to be in a relationship and you need to find someone else, so these thoughts got so intense and you may have kidded yourself that you liked her?

I also get really attached to people (although this is due to my BPD) and if they don't reply to me then I feel awful mentally until they do reply, and I just rely on people way too much. In this circumstance, it is clear that you need to learn to love yourself, love your own company before you begin to love someone else. This is so much easier said than done, but personally I think this is the best option.

I really hope things start to look a bit better for you soon, getting over breakups is really difficult, especially when we're young because we're in our most influential years. Maybe some time we can have a chat and relate to some experiences.

Former Member

@Past User

Thanks for your response

Past User wrote: »

In regards to the girl that you spoke to from uni, possibly you have been telling yourself that you need to be in a relationship and you need to find someone else, so these thoughts got so intense and you may have kidded yourself that you liked her?

I think this is true. I've wanted to be in love again for such a long time even when I don't have someone that I like. I have a tendency to let these things take over my life when they happen because when I like someone it's as if talking to them is all I ever want to do, which isn't good.

Past User wrote: »

I also get really attached to people (although this is due to my BPD) and if they don't reply to me then I feel awful mentally until they do reply, and I just rely on people way too much. In this circumstance, it is clear that you need to learn to love yourself, love your own company before you begin to love someone else. This is so much easier said than done, but personally I think this is the best option.

Although I don't have BPD or anything like it as far as I know I do relate to this. It probably results in me actually being more unhappy when I'm talking to someone but the thought of not talking to them anymore still feels awful.

I have a friend who I've spoken to about these kinds of things for years, and when we spoke about the previously mentioned girl that I had a mutual liking with a few years back she often told me about how I needed to love myself more. I was overreliant not only on the girl that I liked but on my friend because every time something went wrong or I didn't know what to do I'd panic and ask for advice and it was always nothing. I was kind of a mess to be honest. The thing about loving myself is that I usually like myself most when things are going well in life, I would never say I have loved myself, but I usually think I'm okay. Recently I've been having really bad mood swings and I go from being kinda proud of myself (for existing and having ambition) to straight up really not liking myself (for struggling to do things). I don't really know how to control these feelings though.

Again, thanks for your response, and I would be up for chatting and relating to experiences like you said in your last paragraph.

Former Member

I really feel with you on that one about talking to them and it takes over your life. I really emotionally depend on others and when it's a romantic/sexual way it tends to create issues for me.

In regards to you saying you probably feel more unhappy when you're talking to someone, do you think there's a possibility that you can try to make friends and be more comfortable around them rather than a possible relationship?

Loving yourself or even learning to accept yourself is probably one of the most difficult things but the most important. It takes a long time to accept yourself and I don't think a lot of us are there yet, but in due course, it will come. You mentioned that you like yourself when things are going well in life. When this is happening, what are the sorts of things that are happening around you? For example, good grades, good friendships, etc.

Former Member

@Past User

Past User wrote: »

In regards to you saying you probably feel more unhappy when you're talking to someone, do you think there's a possibility that you can try to make friends and be more comfortable around them rather than a possible relationship?

When I said this I meant it more generally. I'm going to bring up my fake-ex again but I want to explain more what we had. We spoke via text every day for about year and saw each other every day at school. I eventually told her I liked her (really difficult) and she told me she liked me too. Just saying that so you understand it a bit more.

So anyway, when we would talk and it was going well it was one of the best things I've ever felt but a lot of the time even when things were fine I'd be paranoid about small interactions and end up just being worried about it all the time and being miserable, for no reason whatsoever. So even through I want to be in love I'm probably happier when I'm not.

Past User wrote: »

You mentioned that you like yourself when things are going well in life. When this is happening, what are the sorts of things that are happening around you? For example, good grades, good friendships, etc.

This happens almost exclusively when I'm being creative. I want to put things out into the world like music or art, even if they're not very good. I've never really cared about grades, even at uni, but that's probably because I've very rarely studied something I have any kind of passion for. But yeah I like myself when I'm doing what I enjoy and what I enjoy includes being able to share what I've made with the world, even if it's not that good. More recently (over the past 2 months) I've been finding it more difficult to actually do these things because that's when my mental health just kinda nosedived for reasons I don't know. Due to this and also due to me struggling to do anything I view myself in a pretty negative light. I see myself as lazy and also just things are difficult man. I wouldn't judge anyone else in my situation but I view myself really negatively for it.