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Loneliness

SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
So I've had a significant amount of shitty days over the past couple of weeks. I've found myself on numerous occasions tryna sleep off the lows almost rhythmically thinking of myself as a complete piece of shit. Normally I wouldn't dream of posting anything like this, I'm normally excellent at down playing or ignoring myself, but lately I feel such anger regarding myself that I care about very little anymore.

I've been struggling with loneliness for a few years now. That's kind of a given and would take too long for me to discuss in full. What I've been thinking about lately though is how even when I do my best to put myself out there it doesn't work for me. I've been lonely and have isolated myself so much since my dad died that beyond just lacking social skills, the small talk involved with chatting to people just feels so meaningless.

How can I properly connect with anyone I'm trying to talk to when I'm simultaneously dying inside regarding any number of things, besides just feeling like a social reject. And in the same token, how can I expect anyone to care about me when there's such a massive disconnect between me and whoever I'm talking to. I'm not trying to be a bad person but I can't help but feel like, a lot of the time, talking to people is a useless endeavour and I'll never feel any differently. It's become a self fulfilling prophecy in many ways.

There's a lot more I could discuss on the topic, perhaps I can post more if I continue to feel this way.
ZenSkyeSalix_alba_2019Lucy307PatAverilllovemimoonCosmo

Comments

  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Keep being you<3 Posts: 1,369 Wise Owl
    @Supernova im so sorry your going through this you are definitely not what you think you are you are amazing in your own way I’m also very sorry about your dad I’m very proud of you for posting this❤️We all care about you and are here for you.
    Maybe look at this https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/im-lonely-4526.html
    Sending hugs❤️
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you for the reply @Emoji246 it means a lot.
    _Tech_Addict_Girl
  • ZenZen Living the Zen life 🧘🏼‍♀️ Posts: 1,991 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Supernova!

    It sounds like you've been having a tough time recently, I think we've all tried to sleep off some bad days sometimes so it's completely understandable. It's sort of like when we get a headache, and we take a nap to try and get rid of it, but it doesn't always work. How have you been feeling since you made this post?

    You mentioned that you have been downplaying how you feel before, I just want to say you definitely don't have to do that here. This is a space where you can be real and raw and honest and we'll all be here for you!

    I hope that people in this community can help you to feel a little less lonely, though I realise it's not the same as real-life interaction. Do you think lockdown may have made this harder too?

    You're absolutely not a social reject, and I hope you can really hear my words when I say that. Have you been the any of The Mix's Group Chats? They're open every evening from 8-9.30 and you'll find a bunch of folk there who will welcome you in with open arms. Perhaps that could help you connect with a few people, and if it gets too much, there's no obligation to stay the whole time!

    On another note, writing your post and reaching about it this, is connecting with people on one level, and you've done it amazing - that's an achievement you could hold close!

    Would you like to talk some more about the things you've been struggling with? I'll be here to listen :smile:
    Alis propriis volat 
    SupernovaPatAverill
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Thanks for the reply @Eleanor

    Since I posted this I've not been good at all. Without downplaying it any - really, really bad. Just a terrible couple of weeks I guess.

    Honestly I'm a pretty introverted person anyway, so for a while I was coping quite well with lockdown, but I will admit now it is getting quite rough on me.

    I once joined a group chat on an old account but it didn't go too well for me for whatever reason. But I'll definitely consider joining another at some point soon.

    I'll try to post more soon and be as honest as possible too. Still can't help but feel ashamed of a lot of this, despite the knowledge that I shouldn't be.
    PatAverill
  • ZenZen Living the Zen life 🧘🏼‍♀️ Posts: 1,991 Extreme Poster
    @Supernova

    It's tough to be honest and how we're feeling but doing it can be a good thing! I'm sorry you're feeling bad recently but hopefully we can turn that around :)

    I get what you mean about being an introvert during lockdown (I kinda liked it too at the start!) but it does take its toll eventually and we're sooo close to the other side now. You've done such a fab job to make it through when things are tough!

    You have nothing to be ashamed of here! There's no judgement and I'm sure you'll meet a bunch of people who have had a similar experience to yourself. Just go at your own pace and know you're in control!
    Alis propriis volat 
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @Eleanor I really do appreciate the reply, it means a lot.

    I'll push myself to write a little more later today and I guess we'll see what happens :)
    ZenJordan
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    edited March 2021
    Okay so, to add some context to an earlier point. I'm 22 now and my dad died when I was 15. As a result of that and my response to it I feel I missed out on a lot of social activity in those years, and by extension a lot of opportunities to develop my social skills. Almost to the point it feels insurmountable now.

    In the times I've pushed myself to get out and meet new people, I always feel like an outsider looking in on something I shouldn't be a part of. No matter how many times I've tried to get out and enjoy myself that feeling has remained constant. That feeling has also started creeping into interactions I have with friends too. In that I no longer feel comfortable doing the things with them that I used to enjoy. Often times it just serves to make me anxious.

    I understand that a lot of this is a direct result of low self esteem. And that I'm stuck in a cycle of low self esteem and loneliness. Regardless I'm stuck wondering whether I can ever have a good time with anyone while I feel so miserable and simultaneously, will I ever feel less miserable if I can't connect with anyone?

    On a slight tangent to my general problems with friendships and loneliness. Loneliness in terms of relationships is also something that gets to me and serves to lower my self esteem. It's something I'm genuinely embarrassed to talk about, regardless of whether I should or shouldn't be. Wouldn't say I've ever had a relationship. It's been about 8 years since I had anything close. Don't rightly know if I'm suited to it for a variety of reasons but even still, I guess it makes me feel less than I should be.

    It's probably evident that shame is a bit of an issue for me regarding all this. Shame regarding how I appear, shame regarding how I ended up in this position. Shame that it effects me so much, or that I can't effectively deal with it. I dunno, it's just not nice really.

    This probably highlights some other things I could go over but I'd like to keep the discussion a little consistent. Can / should probably start some other discussions for other things. Hope they help others if nothing else.

    PatAverill
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 1,123 Wise Owl
    Hi @Supernova

    I’m really sorry to hear about your dad, and I hear you that you feel like you’ve missed out on developing your social skills since then. I really relate to some of what you are saying (fellow anxious introvert here!) about not fitting in although trying your best to enjoy yourself.

    How recently have you started feeling like you don’t enjoy the things you used to with your friends? Do you think it might be anything in line with the pandemic or is that totally separate for you? For me, I’ve definitely been more anxious about interaction recently, as I’m starting to get worried about seeing people again after all this time. May be different for you but wanted to share.

    It’s pretty normal to have not had a relationship at 22, please don’t let that fact lower your self esteem even if everyone around you seems to be happily coupled up. Do you feel lonely with friendships and family relationships too?

    There’s no shame for you to feel here and will be no judgement from me, if you want to talk about anything else you are feeling please go ahead, here to listen 💜
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    PatAverillSupernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey thanks for the reply @Lucy307

    Honestly my struggles to enjoy time spent talking with friends are more in line with social anxiety and just being very self conscious. I.e. a constant feeling that I'm embarrassing myself or annoying people. Projecting those insecurities onto them and imagining they dislike me. I suppose going back to normal is quite worrying too though :/ and I'm sorry to hear its something you're struggling with.

    I do feel lonely with friendships and family relationships aswell, but not to the same degree. And I think that might be because of the embarrassment I feel regarding general romantic relationships. I'm really awful at staying in touch with people, friends and family included so that can lead to me feeling pretty alone in general. Especially when I feel at my worst.

    To explain a little further, after my dad died and at other bad points in my life I decided not to tell people at all. Absolutely hated the idea that I was just looking for sympathy, and I also didn't want people to look at me differently. I felt like I couldn't face people if they knew. That's gone on to inform how I am now, where I'm still very uncomfortable talking to people I know regarding my mental health. I'm better than I once was, but I tend only to confide in professionals and people I feel to be more impartial, like on the mix for instance. Even then though I'm pretty reluctant to talk about things, probably always will be.

    As such though when certain services aren't available to me and I'm alone with my thoughts things can get really awful for me. And do fairly frequently unfortunately. I struggle to explain the worst of it, but I suppose its the physical manifestation of grief (depression and anxiety to an extent too). But it's like really severe physical chest pains, a crushing weight and feeling unable to even move, alongside struggling to breath. It's crippling and frankly awful, I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

    I will likely make other discussions to keep things a little more coherent. There a few things I could go over, like bereavement and anxiety for instance. I had posted similar things on my old account which are still around but perhaps it would be helpful to start over.
  • PatAverillPatAverill Posts: 4 Newbie
    Hi there Supernova, new to the group here and yours was the first I read after making my own lengthy discussion topics! Haha your actually made me feel better and that it was okay and appears to be accepted in this group which is what I need right now, to just . Get it out right! I am guessing you can relate, even though you are introverted and have a hard time actually finding the words to express your feelings in a way that tell how you feel and be heard (to just GET IT and on to paper) without feeling like an idiot or dork, loser, loner, all those feeling and thoughts people are trained to think about themselves through society. I truly believe that hun. And since you are only 22 😁 that does not diminish what your going through, still .. literally.....Trying to find yourself in this world. Sounds so cliche right? LoL I am sure you've heard it all by now but as silly as it seems a young maturing people need that to be said over and over, (however, please tell me if you haven't heard this from people that YOU care about )or have you ever heard things like I know it's been rough but we are here for you ( which, you know they love you but clearly can only give you words of encouragement but not what you really need) Or how about, you have your whole life ahead of you, or it will get better, lol ( but not necessarily a laughing matter) but they do not show you the way or give you guidance as either parental figures or true friends. It's so important to have people like this in your life. Do you or did you have people like that in your life? Have you ever had a real best friend? A close aunt or uncle..cousins perhaps? I am curious how close you were to your dad, if it's not to difficult or of it's too intrusive at this point in the conversation. I am trying to determine in a round about way but not be offensive since you do not know me and( I am very new to this forum) I was wondering if you would share with us how your dad passed away? I find if your really looking for help and turn to chats like this it can be very healing if you really open up about things you went through, especially if YOU also think it's the reason for your troublesome dealings with life. I obviously could be wrong in that and if so what exactly do you think are key turning points or obstacles in your life that you think about often and consider to be the important factors that cause you to have this much pain and self consciousness among other listed issues you have that you previously stated (Including emotional suffering) 🥺. Because that is a start but if you don't currently have that, then being here is the next best thing you can do! ...I just know it...haha (because I just do, you might have been wondering that) This could be your best move to a happier you before you know it! I've already read some very thoughtful and seemingly educated responses in turn to your turmoil and feelings that you are going through. Which also gives me hope that this is a forum I could have used a long time ago too! I didn't read anything in confidentiality or policy threads about asking personal questions like, do you consider yourself to be addicted to anything right now or in the past? I am just extremely curious as to every obstacle in your path right now that you are dealing with! just hope that's not too much but if you feel like you can answer my questions with those in the thread who seem to have your best interest at heart even though we don't actually know you, it could be helpful. But regardless of any drugs you might be on... EVERYONE, AND I mean that. even straight edge, sober people go through hard times or have bad things happen. There is always someone in your life that expreses their life with such dramatics or how any thing in their life is so horrible to them and yes it may be so but the worst is when they trivialize your feelings and dismiss what you could addSo answer that one if your comfortable.
    I and they live there lives so freely and seem to have it going for them and in the same turn they
    hear you , safe to say people in this thread atleast, are good people, and they hear you too! It's good to be heard isn't it? 😁 so..even thru sleeping thru the bad days every time you have something you want to get off your chest then come on and start a conversation..after finding this website "The Mix" last night by accident ( hence my thread I started because I was searching for info on a drug online) I think I might just stick with it! I also believe surrounding yourself with people that can relate and empathize with what you are dealing with in your life (because no one will ever truly know what your head and mind are struggling through at any point in a person's life) will help you tremendously if Two things. 1. You are really And truly seeking to change your life for the better. And 2. You simply just...speak your truth with honesty and no regrets.
    supernova, I hope you find my post at most, encouraging and real and atleast, interesting and I am relatable to you because there is so much more I would like to say to you! If it means anything, I promise to reply back and not leave you hanging and I hope this doesn't sound silly but my wife who is 30 ( age doesn't matter and yet it does when putting information into perspective) sounds like her, I dunno, upbringing is eerily similar to yours. Except for the fact that her father didn't pass away ( It makes me sad anyone has to go through that, especially at a young age..and 15 is a crucial developing age! As you had mentioned, counselors, I am sure you have heard it all from them if you had one long enough. And deep down I am sure just by how you write and the way you say it, you are a very intelligent girl, and you are ready to create a life for yourself worth living or atleast put your toes in the water and try ..just attempt..to make the change to do that for yourself. Because anyone, (especially addicts that have gone thru it and reached the other side, which I am in the process of) will tell you..YOU have to truly want it..and own it and be ready to do the hard things. You have to push yourself to make the change..but as I said...coming here an opening up was a step in the right direction! And I am not sure how long you have been on this site ( if you mentioned it on a previous post my apologies ) but it is a good crutch to get you going. I hope you can feel like care in the person's posts before me because I sure can...and it feels real. Deep down in my gut I do not believe you are an attention seeker (which I Believe you said in an earlier post) ..looking for sympathy, I see you as a human being that had a horrible start to a life you should be enjoying freely and not a prisoner of your own thoughts, feelings and self esteem. I see a human that needs a friendly ear and some positive vibes, good thoughts and proper, in tune guidance. I will leave it at that for now...hahaha I have hope for you already! even though you feel hopeless or helpless right now I hope you feel the positivity I am casting your way in this frikin novel that I have written to you (with little effort I might add, simply because I can relate to what your dealing with on several levels, that this darn book came so easily to write!) You just have to catch it and use it accordingly. I really hope hope this is as easy for you read as it was to write to you!
    Best regards on your day,
    Sincerely,
    A friendly ear and good intentioned words,
    Tric
    Supernova
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @PatAverill thanks for the reply, I appreciate the time it must have taken :)

    I mean like I mentioned I don't really talk to a lot of people who I'm close with, except in dire straits, because I don't want to make every conversation depressing. But of course I've experienced the usual unhelpful advice. I'm understanding of that though, it can be difficult for some people to find the right words to help despite their best intentions.

    As for talking about my dad there's a lot I can say regarding him but I figured it was best saved for a separate discussion. But one point that does heavily contribute to this discussion is that I was very, very close to him. He was probably the person I am most alike and the main person I would like to talk to, but obviously, I'll never be able to. That definitely contributes to my loneliness massively.
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Just a little addition on top of everything since I must have forgotten to mention earlier. But I am male. Which may seem irrelevant but it does contribute to why I don't like talking about these things. Again loneliness in particular is something I feel ashamed by. There's probably some stigma around it that I should try to put aside but that's easier said than done.
    PatAverill
  • PatAverillPatAverill Posts: 4 Newbie
    Dang I re-read that post I just wrote a couples times to make sure it sounded good and flowed properly but noooo. Sorry for the noobie annoyance. I just feel like the way you write and the importance of it shows my personality and how I care as a person coming into a group of people with good intentions and I feel right this moment like anyone who reads this post will see me as caring, empathetic, goofy, nerdy, somewhat intelligent person with a clear "touch" of OCD as you all can tell! Hope my humor Jives with a majority of the people the venture into The Mix because I am looking to have a positive impact and if I can help just one person I am doing good today!
    Now to conclude this semi-idiotic and embarrassing for a first timer little ramble.


    Just to be clear on the section (which I say for a reason - because of the length of my post that says I got a little carried away writing!) that includes the third smiley face, i cut and pasted something I had written later but apparently missed a part that attached but sounded better somewhere else should go as follows.
    The I in the beginning should be and I infront of I hear you. And the and after that starts an unclear sentence that ends with "in the same turn they" which goes somewhere onto oblivion so disregard that altogether. The I hear you was the important part hahaha.!



    I and they live there lives so freely and seem to have it going for them and in the same turn they
    hear you , safe to say people in this thread atleast, are good people, and they hear you too! It's good to be heard isn't it? 😁
    Supernova
  • PatAverillPatAverill Posts: 4 Newbie
    Glad the post held your attention ☺️ You being male in this case, I personally think, it kind of does matter. Even though we should all be equal, men and women rarely are when it comes to emotion. I find that most men have a more difficult time getting it out to themselves let alone others! I had a feeling it was a very close relationship with your father. Do you ever find yourself looking for his relatable qualities in other people? Or do you settle with the fact that you'll never be as close to anyone else like that?
    On another area of your lonliness I wanted to ask, what is the last thing that either you thought to do or the last advice someone gave you to do to make yourself....feel better? Or like...things to get on a more positive route? (If you cannot think of anything like that then it's also a valid answer 😁😜.
    Hope your day is better than yesterday!
    And remember if you find this kind of back and forth with me is not relating or helping YOU there is no harm in that...it's like life, when you realize something isn't working move on! Be courteous but be true to yourself. No one WANTS to hurt feelings but at what point do you just say no right!? 😁 Seriously though, it is especially hard for people who are very empathetic individuals to the point where they are miserable and do nothing about it. Being happy isn't clear cut for anyone and learning that it is okay to say no will be a small part of the process. Start now...keep asking yourself through each day...is this making me actually happy or am I doing this for someone else? The simple goal right now is to be be AWARE, even if you do nothing about it...just decide with everything. Baby steps haha ... And try not to get discouraged!
    Respectfully yours,
    Tric
  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you for the reply again @PatAverill

    To answer your question honestly, I very much doubt I'll ever be as close to anyone as I was with my dad. Again I could provide more context but it's best to do so in another discussion. And a discussion regarding bereavement is going to be difficult to write and post.

    Lockdown has made it a bit more difficult to enact anything that might help connect me with others, which is a shame because it was hard enough for me beforehand. There are a couple of things I want to do though, mostly to give myself routine outside of staying in. Alongside that I want to refer myself for some CBT. I had it before briefly but it wasn't right for me at the time. Despite that though I learned a lot from the sessions and want to give myself the best possible chance at it having a positive impact. Which kinda requires me waiting for things in the world to normalise. As such I'm just biding my time, but I do remain conscious of using the lockdown as an excuse to avoid difficult situations which I'm want to do.

    Awareness tends not to be a problem for me, cynicism definitely does though lol
  • HannahHannah Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Supernova

    First of all I want to say how brave you are for speaking about your feelings here, especially as you've said you tend not to be so open about the things you are going through - I know it probably wasn't easy for you to express your emotions like this. Also, I am so sorry about the passing of your dad, I dread to imagine how this has made you feel :(

    You've mentioned here feeling anger regarding yourself, and I want to say that this feeling tends to be a 'normal' companion with the feeling of isolation and loneliness - almost like you blame yourself for feeling lonely or not being as social as you think you have to be , or would like to be. Please don't be so hard on yourself okay. It is such a mentally (and physically) tough feeling to experience isolation and loneliness, especially during these unprecented times with all of the lockdowns and such. The most important thing for you to do right now is practice self love and self care, do the things that make you happy. They don't have to be big things, for example listening to your favourite music or watching a funny movie, these things can be so helpful during times where we don't feel so good. I am SURE you are such a great person with so many amazing qualities, but when we're doubting ourselves or when we're having a generally rough time, it can be so hard to recognise these things about ourselves but we should! You are special and you are unique, and you have so much to offer. you can think about keeping a journal where you write down all the things you like about yourself, even if this feels a bit strange at first because we don't usually tend to recognise these things, but it definitely will help you to feel much better about yourself and will help you to gain confidence and increase your self-esteem too. This will have a positive effect on your social skills as you'll gain more confidence and you'll feel more comfortable to talk to others and make connections and new friends! I believe in you.

  • SupernovaSupernova Posts: 992 Part of The Mix Family
    I think I must have semi-intentionally forgotten I'd ever written this discussion. I only found it again because I've been having similar thoughts lately. It is interesting to see my wording from these old posts, and by extension to see that my apprehensions with regards to discussing this particular issue haven't changed all that much. Thank you all again for the replies though, including the ones I hadn't yet read or replied to, because they do make things seem slightly less bleak.
    lovemimoonAzziman
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