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Don't really know where to start, but *warning* this is a rant!
Oli123
Posts: 26 Boards Initiate
So. I don't really know where to start. But this is to get it well and truly off my chest.
I'm a 19 year old girl. I feel like my family relationships are at a breaking point and I don't know why I always get blamed for it. No one else in the house takes responsibility for their actions (except dad sometimes) and it's always left to me to be the one to change. My dad always comes to me for help with something (like washing up or lifting something in the garden - which I don't mind doing) over my sister. I brought this up to him asking why (my thought process for why is that my sister would tell him no and 'get Olivia to do it') but he couldn't give me a straight answer, other than it's easier. It always feels like her and my mum's needs come first above mine. Like the other day, dad woke me up saying "everyone's really motivated today, get up and get on so you don't demotivate them"....which completely demotivated me. Not the first thing I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. And my sister goes out of her way to be awful to me if she's in a mood.
The other day, she had hiccups, and I made a joke of it (nothing malicious, just poking a bit of fun as she normally would to me if I had them). So she took offence to this and wanted revenge. There's a house rule that only one person can be in the kitchen at a time to avoid arguments (unless helping with cooking tea). So she had been there making herself lunch for 20 minutes and It was already 1:30 so I was hungry. I asked her how long she'd be til I could use the kitchen, and she flat out ignored me whilst staring into space, eating and smiling, knowing full well what she was doing. I asked her again and she ignored me. I said "do you want me to go get dad to ask you?" and she goes "I'll take twice as long because you're standing there and stressing me"...which ngl....p**sed me off a lot. I didn't shout, I didn't get uptight. I just simply said "you've already made your food and you're standing there eating it. You know what you're doing. I haven't made my lunch yet and it's nearing 2 o'clock. Either you move, tell me how long you'll be, or I will just go ahead and start making it. You've already had 20 minutes, my lunch takes 4 minutes to make.".....she ignored me....so I walked over to the bread bin to start making a sandwich. [Now...at this point I should note that I'm slightly overweight. Not obese, but not skinny. And I'm so self conscious about it, to the point of body dysmorphia. I keep trying to lose it but it won't shift (mostly cause I stress eat). My pet hate that everyone in my family knows about, is anyone poking me in the stomach. I was bullied at school in PE by people doing that, as well as pinching me, and it makes me want to cry every time I think about it (currently feeling tears rising to the surface while writing this). I feel so weird at the moment as if someone is poking me while writing this...it's just a deeply engrained pet hate] She aggressively (with her long pointy nails) poked me in the stomach. I slapped her hand away out of reflex. She went (mum had walked in by this point) "Muuuum Olivia hit me". So of course I got the whole "Olivia how dare you, she was there first! Ask her how long she'll be!!" I didn't dignify that with a response. So I went to the bread bin again and she did the same thing, poking me harder this time. I slapped her harder, again out of reflex. I started shouting at this point "STOP IT YOU KNOW I HATE THAT" and she started squealing to get me out of her face (right in my ear, which hurt a lot). I turned round and mum was recording me on her iPad...she said "this will be the first record of your bad behaviour". I told her to turn it off. She wouldn't. So I threw a packet of bread at her (not proud of that) and walked off upstairs, really hungry at this point. My sister has bad tinnitus which my shouting inadvertently set off (I didn't do that on purpose). So of course I got in trouble and she didn't...yaaay....
I also get a lot of criticism from mum for not tidying my room. I tidied it yesterday and it was looking good...then I come back and find a whole load of washing on the floor (some I must have missed) that mum later used to say my room wasn't tidy....when she put it there....once I'd tidied.....Yeah I'm a teenager and my room isn't spotless but it's hardly a war zone and isn't half as bad as my sister's (she's literally found a maggot in there before).
I feel like my sister cares so much more about her boyfriend than me..I've felt this way since they started going out 4 years ago. I don't feel he's right for her and if he knows what she's really like when she's not around him, good luck to him. But they plan to have 4 kids and a happily ever after (like she'll be able to afford 4 kids O_O - I'm not babysitting). I've never really bothered much about dating, mostly because I have no self confidence, but I feel like a loser who's never been out with anyone (the only one in my group at college who hadn't and always got the whole peer pressure thing...they all but 3 turned out to be fake friends anyway so who cares).
I really want to have the carefree happy relationship I used to have with my family (when I was homeschooled, before I went to college and started having my own thoughts and opinions), but with the added advantage of independence. I think going to university will really help all of us. It will get me out of that situation and give us all a chance to heal and have some distance. My sister never went to uni (she is 21) so I have no idea what it's going to be like, but I'm excited and scared. I mostly feel like no one will like me and I'll be the uncool fat older one.
I also feel like my parents want me to be something I'm not. It's not sexuality-based, I'm straight and happy. I'm a tomboy and can be quite boisterous. My sister is a girly-girl through and through...so we've never really fully got on. I'm currently in the process of looking at buying a second hand PC from my best guy friend. It's very boy-looking if I can use that gender stereotype. It has a black case with red streaks and just generally looks like something a guy would buy. I'm not bothered by that cause I've been buying myself clothes from the men's section for years (they just look more comfortable). I have no interest in becoming transgender, but I'm just not girly (other than still having toys on my bed and the odd shiny thing around my room). So my dad goes "are you sure about the PC, it isn't exactly something a girl would buy. I said I didn't really care about the exterior as long as it works, but he still seemed skeptical. They're always telling me to be 'less aggressive'. I don't see myself as aggressive, just not enclosed within myself. When I get frustrated and shout, I can be quite loud yeah, but I'm not violent by any means. When we were growing up and my sister was bigger than me, she used to hit me when we had an argument. I am now half a foot taller than her and about 30 pounds heavier so she doesn't do it anymore, but I hated the violence she used to show me so I don't tend to do it to her unless she does something especially bad to me (like poking me in the stomach flab).
And more to do with that PC. My parents wanted to look it over before I say yes to buying it (with my own money). A little annoying but ok fine. They then said "we want to write you a list of rules for you to sign before we say yes"....I of course went ballistic "why do you think you have the right when I'm over 18 and using my own money?!" They said they wanted to make sure they "don't make the same mistakes we did when we got you your phone by not setting boundaries". Ok...I was a little addicted in the beginning (2016 - 4 year old phone, still works great) but I hardly spend all day on it like some teens. I said that I absolutely would not sign anything as it was patronising and demoralising. So they've made me a list of things they want me to verbally agree to instead....it just sucks. It's taken all the enjoyment out of the possibility of buying a PC (haven't decided yet, not sure I want to go ahead and get it just yet, especially with all this going on).
My mum refuses to believe that she doesn't listen to how I'm feeling. Like tonight. I was having an argument with mum over something and we were going round and round in circles with one another
Me: you don't listen to me
Mum: I always listen to you
Me: if you listened to me we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place
Mum: I just don't understand why you're so aggressive
Me: I'm not aggressive, I'm frustrated and angry because you don't listen to me and how I'm feeling
Mum: You've convinced yourself that I don't listen, I always listen
Me: You make me feel so worthless and like my feelings don't matter
Mum: You've made yourself feel like that, I haven't made you feel like that.
Me: precisely you don't listen!
Mum: I do listen
etc etc etc etc
I've just been overeating and watching studio ghibli movies to feel better, pretty much since Christmas Day (I would recommend castle in the sky - music is incredible and story is beautiful and of course the animation is world class.
My family aren't bad people and I'm far from perfect. They've been there for me through thick and thin....I just sometimes can't take the way that they never listen to me and never seem to care about my feelings. I feel bad talking badly about family because they're really good people, just we all get frustrated sometimes, especially being in the same place 24/7, with covid ruining everything.
I genuinely just feel depressed and unmotivated. I would even consider myself leaning towards suicidal. I just hate being here with everyone on my back telling me I'm not enough. I hate how every time I look in the mirror I feel disgusted. I hate that I can't have a normal last year of teenage hood because of covid (i'm thankful everyday that we're all still alive though - god bless the NHS). I hate that I can't tell when I've done something wrong and I feel that someone else is in the wrong but get ignored. I hate that I can't visit my best girl friend and give her a massive hug. I miss my gran. I want my life back.
I know there are always 2 sides to an argument, but I never feel like mine is heard.
Sorry for the humongous rant.
I'm a 19 year old girl. I feel like my family relationships are at a breaking point and I don't know why I always get blamed for it. No one else in the house takes responsibility for their actions (except dad sometimes) and it's always left to me to be the one to change. My dad always comes to me for help with something (like washing up or lifting something in the garden - which I don't mind doing) over my sister. I brought this up to him asking why (my thought process for why is that my sister would tell him no and 'get Olivia to do it') but he couldn't give me a straight answer, other than it's easier. It always feels like her and my mum's needs come first above mine. Like the other day, dad woke me up saying "everyone's really motivated today, get up and get on so you don't demotivate them"....which completely demotivated me. Not the first thing I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. And my sister goes out of her way to be awful to me if she's in a mood.
The other day, she had hiccups, and I made a joke of it (nothing malicious, just poking a bit of fun as she normally would to me if I had them). So she took offence to this and wanted revenge. There's a house rule that only one person can be in the kitchen at a time to avoid arguments (unless helping with cooking tea). So she had been there making herself lunch for 20 minutes and It was already 1:30 so I was hungry. I asked her how long she'd be til I could use the kitchen, and she flat out ignored me whilst staring into space, eating and smiling, knowing full well what she was doing. I asked her again and she ignored me. I said "do you want me to go get dad to ask you?" and she goes "I'll take twice as long because you're standing there and stressing me"...which ngl....p**sed me off a lot. I didn't shout, I didn't get uptight. I just simply said "you've already made your food and you're standing there eating it. You know what you're doing. I haven't made my lunch yet and it's nearing 2 o'clock. Either you move, tell me how long you'll be, or I will just go ahead and start making it. You've already had 20 minutes, my lunch takes 4 minutes to make.".....she ignored me....so I walked over to the bread bin to start making a sandwich. [Now...at this point I should note that I'm slightly overweight. Not obese, but not skinny. And I'm so self conscious about it, to the point of body dysmorphia. I keep trying to lose it but it won't shift (mostly cause I stress eat). My pet hate that everyone in my family knows about, is anyone poking me in the stomach. I was bullied at school in PE by people doing that, as well as pinching me, and it makes me want to cry every time I think about it (currently feeling tears rising to the surface while writing this). I feel so weird at the moment as if someone is poking me while writing this...it's just a deeply engrained pet hate] She aggressively (with her long pointy nails) poked me in the stomach. I slapped her hand away out of reflex. She went (mum had walked in by this point) "Muuuum Olivia hit me". So of course I got the whole "Olivia how dare you, she was there first! Ask her how long she'll be!!" I didn't dignify that with a response. So I went to the bread bin again and she did the same thing, poking me harder this time. I slapped her harder, again out of reflex. I started shouting at this point "STOP IT YOU KNOW I HATE THAT" and she started squealing to get me out of her face (right in my ear, which hurt a lot). I turned round and mum was recording me on her iPad...she said "this will be the first record of your bad behaviour". I told her to turn it off. She wouldn't. So I threw a packet of bread at her (not proud of that) and walked off upstairs, really hungry at this point. My sister has bad tinnitus which my shouting inadvertently set off (I didn't do that on purpose). So of course I got in trouble and she didn't...yaaay....
I also get a lot of criticism from mum for not tidying my room. I tidied it yesterday and it was looking good...then I come back and find a whole load of washing on the floor (some I must have missed) that mum later used to say my room wasn't tidy....when she put it there....once I'd tidied.....Yeah I'm a teenager and my room isn't spotless but it's hardly a war zone and isn't half as bad as my sister's (she's literally found a maggot in there before).
I feel like my sister cares so much more about her boyfriend than me..I've felt this way since they started going out 4 years ago. I don't feel he's right for her and if he knows what she's really like when she's not around him, good luck to him. But they plan to have 4 kids and a happily ever after (like she'll be able to afford 4 kids O_O - I'm not babysitting). I've never really bothered much about dating, mostly because I have no self confidence, but I feel like a loser who's never been out with anyone (the only one in my group at college who hadn't and always got the whole peer pressure thing...they all but 3 turned out to be fake friends anyway so who cares).
I really want to have the carefree happy relationship I used to have with my family (when I was homeschooled, before I went to college and started having my own thoughts and opinions), but with the added advantage of independence. I think going to university will really help all of us. It will get me out of that situation and give us all a chance to heal and have some distance. My sister never went to uni (she is 21) so I have no idea what it's going to be like, but I'm excited and scared. I mostly feel like no one will like me and I'll be the uncool fat older one.
I also feel like my parents want me to be something I'm not. It's not sexuality-based, I'm straight and happy. I'm a tomboy and can be quite boisterous. My sister is a girly-girl through and through...so we've never really fully got on. I'm currently in the process of looking at buying a second hand PC from my best guy friend. It's very boy-looking if I can use that gender stereotype. It has a black case with red streaks and just generally looks like something a guy would buy. I'm not bothered by that cause I've been buying myself clothes from the men's section for years (they just look more comfortable). I have no interest in becoming transgender, but I'm just not girly (other than still having toys on my bed and the odd shiny thing around my room). So my dad goes "are you sure about the PC, it isn't exactly something a girl would buy. I said I didn't really care about the exterior as long as it works, but he still seemed skeptical. They're always telling me to be 'less aggressive'. I don't see myself as aggressive, just not enclosed within myself. When I get frustrated and shout, I can be quite loud yeah, but I'm not violent by any means. When we were growing up and my sister was bigger than me, she used to hit me when we had an argument. I am now half a foot taller than her and about 30 pounds heavier so she doesn't do it anymore, but I hated the violence she used to show me so I don't tend to do it to her unless she does something especially bad to me (like poking me in the stomach flab).
And more to do with that PC. My parents wanted to look it over before I say yes to buying it (with my own money). A little annoying but ok fine. They then said "we want to write you a list of rules for you to sign before we say yes"....I of course went ballistic "why do you think you have the right when I'm over 18 and using my own money?!" They said they wanted to make sure they "don't make the same mistakes we did when we got you your phone by not setting boundaries". Ok...I was a little addicted in the beginning (2016 - 4 year old phone, still works great) but I hardly spend all day on it like some teens. I said that I absolutely would not sign anything as it was patronising and demoralising. So they've made me a list of things they want me to verbally agree to instead....it just sucks. It's taken all the enjoyment out of the possibility of buying a PC (haven't decided yet, not sure I want to go ahead and get it just yet, especially with all this going on).
My mum refuses to believe that she doesn't listen to how I'm feeling. Like tonight. I was having an argument with mum over something and we were going round and round in circles with one another
Me: you don't listen to me
Mum: I always listen to you
Me: if you listened to me we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place
Mum: I just don't understand why you're so aggressive
Me: I'm not aggressive, I'm frustrated and angry because you don't listen to me and how I'm feeling
Mum: You've convinced yourself that I don't listen, I always listen
Me: You make me feel so worthless and like my feelings don't matter
Mum: You've made yourself feel like that, I haven't made you feel like that.
Me: precisely you don't listen!
Mum: I do listen
etc etc etc etc
I've just been overeating and watching studio ghibli movies to feel better, pretty much since Christmas Day (I would recommend castle in the sky - music is incredible and story is beautiful and of course the animation is world class.
My family aren't bad people and I'm far from perfect. They've been there for me through thick and thin....I just sometimes can't take the way that they never listen to me and never seem to care about my feelings. I feel bad talking badly about family because they're really good people, just we all get frustrated sometimes, especially being in the same place 24/7, with covid ruining everything.
I genuinely just feel depressed and unmotivated. I would even consider myself leaning towards suicidal. I just hate being here with everyone on my back telling me I'm not enough. I hate how every time I look in the mirror I feel disgusted. I hate that I can't have a normal last year of teenage hood because of covid (i'm thankful everyday that we're all still alive though - god bless the NHS). I hate that I can't tell when I've done something wrong and I feel that someone else is in the wrong but get ignored. I hate that I can't visit my best girl friend and give her a massive hug. I miss my gran. I want my life back.
I know there are always 2 sides to an argument, but I never feel like mine is heard.
Sorry for the humongous rant.
5
Comments
Hey @Oli123
Firstly, I just wanted to say how great it is that you felt able to get all of this off of your chest. It was one heck of a rant (that’s not a bad thing! :P ). I’m wondering whether you feeling any lighter after sharing? I sure hope that you are because you’re carrying an awful lot right now and it’s alright to share some of that weight so i'm so glad that you’re sharing with us here!
I can understand why you’d feel frustrated about your dad asking you to help out with things instead of at times asking your sister. That sound somewhat unfair and I think I’d feel a wee bit huffin at that too. It’s great you’re willing to help dad out though, I’m sure that he really really appreciates it. You know, dad will be aware that you’re helping and your sister isn’t. Perhaps you could talk to him about it and try to explain how you’re feeling. I understand that you said that you tried and he couldn’t give a straight answer but do you feel able to try again. Perhaps in a calm environment with just the two of you, sit him down and talk about how YOU’RE feeling about the situation. It doesn’t necessarily have to be ‘why’ it’s happening, you could just say something like “abc is happening and xyz is why I’m finding it hurtful” Your feelings matter and it sounds like sister is slacking a wee bit when it comes to helping out mam and dad around the house. What do you think?
Sounds like you have some sibling rivalry going on over there. Why do you think your sister acted out the way that she did? Do you think she enjoys to get a reaction out of you? Again, I can understand why you’re frustrated and tbh id probably not have been able to keep my cool either. You have bad memories when It comes to being poked in the stomach but even if you didn’t, nobody wants to be poked anyways. What your sister did was petty and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know I suggested it above but I’m gonna suggest it again, try talking to your sister in a calm way. You could tell her that her behaviour is upsetting you and you’d like to be able to get on better. Honesty is always the best policy and your sister might also appreciate it if you acknowledged your wrong doings too (like you have done here) Surely she doesn’t want to argue with you, huh?
I don’t have siblings unfortunately but I did live in residential care for a wee bit with other young people and it was very much like living with brothers who did everything they could to get a reaction out of me. I always found biting my tongue, ignoring their behaviour and cracking on with what I wanted to do worked. They got bored when they didn’t get the reaction they were pushing for. I was the same though, pushing for reactions out of them when I found myself bored.
It looks like you feel that your family are coming down hard on you. I’m gonna suggest it again and I PROMISE this is the last time but TALK, talk to them, tell them. You said it yourself, your family aren’t bad people. I live with my mam and my dad and tbh, I drive them up the wall
but we have family meetings every month where we all sit down and talk to each other about what’s going right, what’s going wrong, what’s upsetting us, how we can get on better as a family. It’s always super helpful and we set rules too like we’re nae allowed to talk over each other and we can’t raise our voices etc. Maybe your family would benefit from something similar? So you’re all able to like get everything out into the open and start a fresh. Arguing will always just cause going round in circles, talking is always the best way to go forward 
It can’t help being cooped up in the house with them during lockdown. I just want to say that I’m SO sorry that you’re hurting and that it feels like they’re not listening to you. You write so well, if talking about it and telling them how you’re feeling and asking them to acknowledge your feelings seems difficult, maybe you could write it down and leave it for them to read? Depression is horrible and you could really do with your families support through this.
When I feel rubbish my go to is snacks and movies too and I recently got into Ghibli movies. They are SO good. Thanks for the recommendation… I’ll check that out FA SHO.
Also wanted to say that what you buy, the way you decide to dress and behave it totally your choice. It’s OK not to be girly girly and it’s okay to buy things that perhaps look a little masculine. I didn’t even know PC’S could look masculine! lol. But I know what you mean and I understand your frustrations. Your feelings are totally valid here!
Again, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting and that your sister is being a wee bit sucky and your parents seem to be siding with her. I sure hope that things get better. Keep us updated and look after yourself, you matter and we care!
You got this!
Sounds like things are really tough right now. And it’s perfectly ok to talk about it. I know you say your family are good but letting out your feelings here is a really good thing to do and nothing to feel guilty about. Always happy to listen.
I don’t know much about siblings or how to handle them sorry, that all sounds rather unfair and it’s understandable to be frustrated. I have no advice just wanted to say always here if you need anything
Take care and Happy Thursday
Sorry for not responding to this sooner.
Thank you for all of your wonderful, kind, helpful advice and support, I appreciate it immensely. I took your advice and had a sit down talk with my parents to discuss it all. We're all doing a lot better now because we shared how we were feeling about each other (my faults included). My sister is a tricky one still...I don't think that relationship has progressed much. I'm about to write a rant post including her lol.
Thank you again for your support x
Thank you so much for your comment and kindness. x Things are going a little better now, thankfully.
i just wanted to firstly say thank you for sharing this with us
It sounds really horrible about your sister poking you in your stomach. Did you tell her how it made you feel? She’s 21. She should know better and that sounds like she was really trying to wind you up for no reason and it’s no wonder that you slapped her. I probably would if I was you. I’m sorry you’re self conscious about that. It can be really hard to love our own bodies. But it’s your body and very unique to you which is a beautiful thing instead. We have to live in our bodies and we deserve to love them so I’m sorry you don’t always feel this way.
how are things going on atm. Here to listen