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(TW) I doubt myself.
Former Member
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
First vent post and it's long and overwhelming, please feel free to ignore this if you don't want to feel overwhelmed!
There's something I want to talk about,
Anyways, my writings can be messy so I think most of you will be confused since I'm not a native speaker. So here goes:
I'm so sorry if this is emotionally draining to read and this doesn't make sense at all. I want to share all of my past, but I'm not ready yet.
(If you guys really want to know about my story and listened about it, I'll be happy to write about it. Maybe someday, I still have some research things to do to make sure my perspective was right.)
Until now, I still blaming my parents and my brother and I'm still angry because of that. Good news is that, I started to focus on my life more as I ignore him sometimes, even he tries to entertain and making small talks with me. Other than that, I hope this feelings will passed.
I'm so sorry that I post these kinds of threads recently. Thank you for reading this until here.
There's something I want to talk about,
Anyways, my writings can be messy so I think most of you will be confused since I'm not a native speaker. So here goes:
I honestly do not feel like a genuine kind person at all. Almost all of my school years (around middle - high school) my brother often pressured to have a voice by being supportive and kind. My brother used to yell at me a lot and always critizised me by the way I act and communicate with someone.
I honestly hate his guts, for now. What can I do anyways, even my parents knew that his behavior was off, scold him a little then told him how miracle it was that he had only one sister to have.
For me, they always said that I need to understand him because sibling relationships are "important", so I have to forgive and forget him for what he had said and did things to me thay are hurtful because he 'is' my sibling.
Almost all of my school years, I thought that I was the worst. My grades are bad, i'm slow minded, a loner and I just didn't fit anything at all. He always yelled at me when I wasn't helping my mom who was 'overworked' herself, and being 'disrespectful' to her while she's doing her chores.
Even I try to be supporting and caring person, it doesn't 'feel' like me. It's not like I don't like to support people, I just want to be someone who's more into listening without being forced to sociallizing and talk a lot that's giving me anxiety and stress to overthink about it.
Often times when I'm spacing out out of nowhere on parties or gathering with my parents' friends (which is my bad habit), he's just calling my name or just calling me "stupid" as he snarled at me and raised his voice a little bit while he gritted his teeth.
I feel very emotionally drained when I think about it. Looks like I started to blame almost everything the more I wrote what he did to me, am I?
To be honest, It's good to help someone else and I like it, but it's also giving me anxiety if I don't support someone else, I'm just useless and selfish person who's just a wannabe empethatic and being fake to someone else. I'm worried that I'm not kind, or supportive enough.
I honestly hate his guts, for now. What can I do anyways, even my parents knew that his behavior was off, scold him a little then told him how miracle it was that he had only one sister to have.
For me, they always said that I need to understand him because sibling relationships are "important", so I have to forgive and forget him for what he had said and did things to me thay are hurtful because he 'is' my sibling.
Almost all of my school years, I thought that I was the worst. My grades are bad, i'm slow minded, a loner and I just didn't fit anything at all. He always yelled at me when I wasn't helping my mom who was 'overworked' herself, and being 'disrespectful' to her while she's doing her chores.
Even I try to be supporting and caring person, it doesn't 'feel' like me. It's not like I don't like to support people, I just want to be someone who's more into listening without being forced to sociallizing and talk a lot that's giving me anxiety and stress to overthink about it.
Often times when I'm spacing out out of nowhere on parties or gathering with my parents' friends (which is my bad habit), he's just calling my name or just calling me "stupid" as he snarled at me and raised his voice a little bit while he gritted his teeth.
I feel very emotionally drained when I think about it. Looks like I started to blame almost everything the more I wrote what he did to me, am I?
To be honest, It's good to help someone else and I like it, but it's also giving me anxiety if I don't support someone else, I'm just useless and selfish person who's just a wannabe empethatic and being fake to someone else. I'm worried that I'm not kind, or supportive enough.
I'm so sorry if this is emotionally draining to read and this doesn't make sense at all. I want to share all of my past, but I'm not ready yet.
(If you guys really want to know about my story and listened about it, I'll be happy to write about it. Maybe someday, I still have some research things to do to make sure my perspective was right.)
Until now, I still blaming my parents and my brother and I'm still angry because of that. Good news is that, I started to focus on my life more as I ignore him sometimes, even he tries to entertain and making small talks with me. Other than that, I hope this feelings will passed.
I'm so sorry that I post these kinds of threads recently. Thank you for reading this until here.
Post edited by Former Member on
1
Comments
Sounds like you're in a difficult, stressful situation but well done for writing about it on the Mix. Writing / speaking about what we're thinking + feeling helps us understand what things are real and what things we're overthinking.
From hearing you talk about your brother, it seems like he can have very different personalities? When he's on a good day he wants to "entertain and make small talk with you" but when he's on a bad day he's horrible. And sounds like those bad days in the past have been really traumatising for you.
From reading what you have to say you are definitely a kind and supportive person. I'm sure your mum really appreciates the help you provide her. I didn't quite understand though when you said it doesn't "feel" like you, what does this mean?
There is no rush to reply and no rush to tell other people about your past. Take things at whatever pace you feel comfortable with and I'm sure there will be people on the Mix who care, who will listen and who will be there to support you
Even so, I am somehow agree that this is difficult situation to have and researching about this topic can be triggering, because I need to calm myself when I seeing him everytime he goes home.
For anwering your questions. Yes he might have different personalities, but I think he's more moody like being explosive all of sudden when I did something wrong, even I don't know what I did was wrong. Another thing is that, sometimes only at home he's hyperactive? when he's too happy or excited and lack of physical boundaries to me.
About the second question. What I meant to say is that even I try to be supportive; bubbly; kind or help somebody. It doesn't feel right and I don't feel like myself at all, because it is pretty unusual for me being like that because I'm usually very quiet person irl. It's like I don't know which one is right for my true self, but I really want to change.
Hmmm those mood swings do sound characteristic of someone with bipolar disorder. We obviously cannot diagnose anyone, but have you considered that your brother may show many of the signs of someone with bipolar disorder? If you don't know that much about it, then there's this Mix article which explains it pretty well
I'm big into meditation, mindfulness and buddhism so I believe for myself that there isn't one "true self". But I also understand what you mean, we can have days when we feel more wholly ourselves. That intuition we have though about what is closest to "me" is based on how we've acted in the past up until this point. We can change our behaviour though, it's not as easy as flicking a switch, but it's definitely possible - it's why I love making new year's resolutions!
When you say that you "really want to change", what do you want to become... and could it be a new year's resolution?
About my brother, I'm not sure yet. Sure, he did risky things like trying to prank a teacher once, and he pretty much a rebel and grumbles a lot. Now, he's ambitious to continue my dad's business now and exercise a lot like my dad do, but I'm not sure if he have bipolar.
Well, I really want to be either a researcher or any career that related to psychology and help others. I think I can call it a New year resolution since it's about improving something new about ourselves!
Those career goals sound great and it's good to have something you can work towards! Irs never too early to work on it by helping otgers even volunteering somewhere maybe