Flashbacks? (TW: assault)
Hey everyone! I hope you're all doing well!
- I think I'm having flashbacks? It's never happened for me before
- I think the thing I'm having flashbacks about has made me fear being outside alone, and fear strangers especially young men
- I don't usually reach out for help about anything anymore, so forgive me if this isn't the best written post you read today
I’m not sure what to write, I tried drafting this in my head in the shower lol but I thought it’s best to get something a bit rubbish out now than get a literary masterpiece out never.
I’m not sure if I’ve been having flashbacks recently?
I walk my dog on this field now- I used to use another field but since we moved this one is just a lot closer and more convenient now. I walk Maisy quite early in the morning, about 6 or 7 ish, and I get glimpses in my head of what happened when I was a lad. It sort of feels like I’m there, it’s not for long only seconds but when I start my morning like this it just leaves me feeling rubbish for the rest of the day. All the feelings of helplessness and like I’m about to die just come flooding back and it’s really pissing me off because something from so long ago shouldn’t be changing how I feel now. It really annoys me because I beat a depression that lasted for like 9 years, but this little thing is still gnawing away at me.
I’m not worried about coming across the same guy again or anything, I don’t remember what he looks like and I doubt he’d know me either- and who knows if he even lives nearby anymore. But I think this still really dented my trust in strangers. I don’t go anywhere by myself (except when I used to go for my 2am walks, they were so quiet and you’d never see anyone else) just with my dog and GF or (before COVID) mates but then that’s just a crutch. I might walk to the shop alone if it’s really early or really late, but that’s just because it’s literally a minute away and there’s nobody else on the street usually. I’d like to be able to go places by myself, I feel like this little thing that happened over a decade ago and lasted a few minutes has set back my independence today.
The fear of being out alone and distrust of strangers especially teen boys has bothered me for a bit and I’ve just sort of got on with life in spite of it, but the memories and feelings coming back is a recent thing, like the last month or so. It’s really alien to me.
I feel a bit pathetic that this is bothering me, I haven’t even told my GF (she’s gonna know when she reads this though lol, cos I’m not sure what to say to her) or my family. I know loads of people have been through things like this but worse or more recently. I don’t want to get any kind of mental health help again because of COVID and I know there’ll be long waiting lists- the wait for counselling wasn’t so long when I had depression because I was high priority, I was suicidal and having episodes of disassociation. I’m not anymore though which is good!! I’m just unhappy now and a bit stuck in life, which is okay cos I’ll pull myself out of this rut eventually and I’m quite good at pretending I’m quite happy. Sometimes I even think I AM happy, and that's great.
I’ve been having glimpses and memories of this in my dreams too, I bought a kindle book about sleeping and dreams yesterday thinking it’d have some tips but I’m not sure if it’s gonna help- it's still an interesting read though! Apparently the Guiness book of records doesn't record records for sleep deprivation anymore because it's too dangerous to attempt, when things like 'world's fastest person' or whatever are way more safe lol. Anyway I'm going off on a tangent!
I recently spoke to a friend and even my GF (I don’t usually like bothering her, but we’d talked recently about being more honest with each other about our MH and feelings and I didn’t want to be a hypocrite) about my feelings about something else and it felt good to get it off my chest (cos I never talk about my feelings lol), and those guys have inspired me to talk about this instead of bottling it up and letting it get worse. So thanks, you two.
I don’t know if I want help or if I just want to vent (and I didn’t think when I started this it’d be so long LOL), but if you took the time to read this, thank you. You guys are all awesome, and the way you persevere through adversity is an inspiration for me every day