Struggling to cope (tw)
I think that this would be a TW..
I’m really sorry if this is ridiculously long. I’ve never really done this before. I’m not one for talking about my feelings and I don’t even know if this will be helpful for me but I’m struggling quite a lot right now and I’m feeling super alone with it all. I feel like I need to get everything off of my chest so I thought that I’d do it here. I’m hoping to clear my mind a little by posting this but I’m also (hopefully) looking for some advice from you knowledgable people. Also, I know I’m “deactivated” I took a break to deal with some things but obvs haven’t been dealing with them very well lol.
I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health issues but I am diagnosed ADHD, my meds work well. I’m usually in a very happy/hyper mood but sometimes I’ll have an energy crash and my mood will be super low but within few hours I’ll be back to my normal self however recently, for the past 3 weeks or so I’ve been on a low and no matter what I do I can’t seem to boost my mood. I feel like I’ve held everything in for so long all of my feelings and issues are starting to surface and I don’t know how to deal with them because I’ve never dealt with them before? Idk if that sounds stupid lol. I’ve been trying to do what I usually do by ignoring them and hoping they go away, but that’s not working this time and I can feel myself feeling worse and worse every day. I have been feeling scarily low and have at times felt really suicidal just because everything feels like too much to deal with.
I feel like everything has surfaced at once and I don’t know which issue to tackle first and I don’t know how to “tackle” the issues. I don’t like the idea of counselling or talking face to face but I’m thinking that is probably the route I’m going to have to take. I’m hoping that just writing and getting it all our here helps so that I don’t actually have to talk to a professional.
I was sexually abused when I was a wean. I don’t remember a lot of it but I do have some memories which I had happily tucked away in the back of my mind. The memories have recently started coming back, I’m remembering more and more of what happened but it’s not vivid memories and so I don’t know whether its just my mind playing tricks on me?. I think I never really accepted what happened and I’m just now starting to try and digest it all. It’s making me question and worry about a lot of things. I feel like I’m different to most of my guy friends, they are usually quite happy to talk about sex and masturbation but the whole idea of sex and even masturbation makes me feel sick and that in itself makes me feel like I’m the odd one out and like I’m not “masculine”. I do pretend but I worry about them noticing that I’m not actually into that type of stuff and I also worry that this won’t ever change and that ill be this way forever which consequently will affect me ever having a relationship with any female.
I’m young, probably too young for girlfriends anyway but I avoid them at all costs. I have had opportunities to get with people who I have genuinely liked but the idea of relationships and being intimate scares me and so whenever I get close to a girl, even just as a friend, I tend to end up pushing them away.
I have a totally different life now so It does feel stupid of me to re visit these memories instead of leaving them in the past. I have adoptive parents which to be honest, I don’t even see them as “adoptive” they’ve always just been mam and dad to me. They are supportive but they are currently going through a relationship break down, dad is cheating on mam and I just don’t feel comfortable to open up to them about it. They of course know about the sexual abuse but they don’t know that I’m struggling with my thoughts right now.
I’m feeling very paranoid and as if my friends all know about the sexual abuse and are judging me for it or thinking of me as less of a “lad”. I know that they don’t know and I also know that even if they did know, they wouldn’t judge me but it is still a thought in the back of my mind. I have successfully pushed away people I’m close with and genuinely care about these past few weeks. I’m in a rotten mood and snapping at folk for no reason. I just feel everything building up and I’m about ready to pop.
I pretty much feel like I’m all out of tears. I am the happy and jokey friend so I don’t know how to tell people that I’m not feeling like my usual self right now without them worrying or just not taking me seriously. I think that It would be way out of my comfort zone to talk to friends about it anyway because I don’t trust anyone well enough to not tell someone else.
I just feel like a super rubbish person right now and I feel paranoid that everyone hates me and knows everything about me.
I guess I’d just like to know how best to tackle these issues. I don’t want to just sit and dwell on my feelings and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with feeling so utterly rubbish. How can I feel better and how can I once again, bury the memories of my past?
I really just want someone to take my seriously, you know? I am so low right now I don’t even know what to do with myself.
Thank you for reading, I’m so sorry that it’s a long one.I’d really appreciate any advice that you may have.