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IM sorry

SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
edited May 2020 in Health & Wellbeing
No one likes me.   I don't think anyone wants me to die. But they prefer they never knew me and that i didn't exist in their world   Everyone is bitching about me and no one wants me anywhere. Everywhere and everyone. But seeming everyone cant read this. Ill say it for here too. I'm sorry i found this site. I am really sorry if I've ever said anything hurtful to you and take full blame for it. I don't mean too.  I try to be okay and kind but bad things keep happening. So i end up causing more pain than good. Even when don't mean to. IM struggling as well and feel hurt. 
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by JustV on
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    GreenTeaGreenTea Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Shaunie I'm sorry you feel this way.
    You are very much welcome here, many people here like you, I cant speak for everyone but I like you, you are kind and supportive and I know we haven't seen eye to eye all the time, but that's just life, we don't always see eye to eye with everyone.
    We are here for you
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks greentea
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited May 2020
    I can be supportive but i can hurt people and sometimes the good doesnt make up for the bad and not worth being alive in peoples life. I dont think i belong here. Here or life. Im not sure where to put myself. I feel really alone and sad. Keep crying
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    So Why am i even writing here. Ffs. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Imglad crying Makes me tired and more calm
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Crying can feel good sometimes, we’d miss you if you left @Shaunie
    how are you feeling now? 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,615 Legendary Poster
    I’m sorry you feel that way @Shaunie, of course we like you, you’re very supportive on the boards and I admire that. You support others even when you aren’t feeling good yourself which is a very good quality to have.

    We’re all here for you, and care about you.

    How are you doing today?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Really struggling very suicidal but thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    Hi @Shaunie I can hear how much you are struggling in your posts. How are you feeling today?

    Try to remember that you're not alone and that everyone here cares for you and values you so much. You've supported so many people on the forums and brought a lot of good to this community <3

    If you ever feel like you cant keep yourself safe, remember you can always contact Samaritans on 116 123 or The Mix Crisis Line on 0808 808 4994
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    @Shaunie we're all here - keep talking to us if it helps! <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Round my sisters to stay safe
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    IM cuddling with bella 💜 on my lap. She loves cuddles

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    By myself with bella while  they go shopping 💜💜💜. Shes lovely
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Jade09Jade09 Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    edited May 2020
    Hey there Shaunie, I can hear things have been really tough for you recently but it's positive that you are at your sisters to help you to stay safe, you have a lot of strength and we all believe in you.  <3 

    Is Bella helping you to stay safe a little? it can be good to have a pet as company for that reason and they can be really comforting sometimes. PS shes so cute!. 

     If you need them, remember there is always crisis resources available to you which you can find in the spoiler below.

    Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything. 

    Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. They also have some online services here. 

     Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm on weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141. 


    If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.  


    Like I said earlier you have a lot of strength, and the mix is here for you!  <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you

     I'm a bit confused. They're arranging me to go to hopsital. But idk what for
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2020
    Need to ring gp in morning to ask about meds and being refered back to PDS 😓i feel awful 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,851 Extreme Poster
    Sorry to hear Shaunie, hope you're doing okay now x always here to chat if you need it!
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    possible trigger warning. 

    Not doing okay but thanks. I keep thinking about the man who i mostly spoke to on saturday. It feels weird that he was a big part of that day and i probably will never see him again. Im not really thankful for him cause i was really close to being at peace. The most i can remmeber was him saying "i lost my daughter" made me feel sad cause thats not the order it should be like. But i dont think my parents would care.  I feel bad for the public who saw me and i hope those who saw me arent comcerned about me. By lokimg at the facebook post some said they was worried. If i saw that i would be worried for the person for awhile. So i feel bad. Ive never done that before and i dont think i will be ever trying it again. Also hope i didnt have covid at that time as many people tocuhed me. I feel like i keep picturing what i saw, how much i was shakng, how i felt, seeing myself feeling closer to death and the noises from the strangers. It was all so fast. I know i did it to myself but it felt traumatic and surreal. Was very close to where i live and now i will feel dread everytime
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    No sorry turns out they couldnt give a shit and not even ringing me back when said woild. Wont ring now cause past five. No one givws a shit ssn cant help cause no help 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    What's going on at the moment Shaunie? Sorry to hear you're feeling this bad. Here to talk if you need to, I know feeling like this, especially at this time is awful.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hi spook how are you?

     Just feeling so suicidal. I keep getting put back and forth from the crisis team. Theyre both as me how im feeling and my self harm and then like oh shit you need to go to hospital for an assessment and then get back to me and say that i cant come and to go back to my gp. But then i ring my gp and then its a different gp so have to say it again. And then theyre like oh shit you need help rn let me ring the hospital. Then im like yeah already been done no one cares. Then theyre like "so they have not given you any plan or support". And im like yeahh. And then theyre like oh let me referer you to them again. And then same thing happens. I want my tonsils removed but they said not to worry about that need mental health support atm. When could help my mental health
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I feel so bad please help😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    I see, yeah that definitely sounds like a horrible situation to deal with. Cant say I've experienced anything like that, but then again I haven't had any contact with doctors since all the lockdown started. I think they're under such a strain that its hurting the way they treat these things. 

    Have you tried writing down exactly what you want to say before you phone them? It sounds like you're upset over a few things in combination to feeling ill enough to need your tonsils removed. It might be worth trying to explain to them that bouncing you back and forth between the hospital and different GPs is really only making things worse.

    I'm okay thank you, just getting back into using the boards a little bit.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    StephanieStephanie Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie,

    Just wanted to pop on to offer you hugs and let you know that we care about you a lot and are always here for you :heart: You are a very valued member of this community 

    Sending hugs :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    They said to take me off citalopram and put me on different higher anti depressant  beginning with m something. But i said i feel like i need more than anti depressant. And he said he will contact personality disorder team to ask about moods stabilizers as gp cant prescribe them
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Glad to hear you got through to them, were you finding that the tablets you were on weren't really helping much? Think I was on citalopram too and it wasnt really doing much for me.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I don’t know anymore. I don't think citalopram is too bad. I can feel it when i forgot to take it. I just don't think an antidepressant will help need this embarrassing problem to go.  But he said doctor thingy will look at my throat tomorrow but i didn't know that but being in shitt mood i am. I just said ok without questioning it. Like when or how. Now i don’t know if i should ring reception now to ask if i have apt tomorrow because it might be early And i wake up late
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Well i rang to ask. 7th gp call of the day😓. They said is a video call at anytime😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    At least you know now, and are getting somewhere with it :) I hope it all goes well
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