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I don’t know

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
in Sex & Relationships
So im dating/ seeing/ exclusive / what ever people call it, with a guy called lee. But i dont like to call him my boyfriend otherwise it feels overwhelming lol. But its like def like offical sort of thing. And feel like went pretty fast. Its been like a few months its been like that. But i feel like i dont take it seriously lol. I mean i havent had a "boyfriend" since the abuse or ever had anyone even before him. But yeah dont like to see him that way but yeah it was that way at the time. Since the abuser i havent been in relationships just had sex with a few people but nothing serious. I havent had sex with him tho so not fast in those terms lol. Plus all stuck inside anyway and not a lot to speak about

So it feels like a lot. Somethings are really triggering me. I forgotten how he worded it and in what content but he called me "his" and thats what the abuser used to say and felt like i was some  possession which yeah feels possesive. I mean he is nice and really easy to talk to. But i feel like he likes me more than i like him. 

And i dont understand how you know if you like someone more than just a friend? Like idek what im saying. Cause i like him but do you just get with people until you feel like you love them? Like idk. 

Im scared im going to get into a situation i cant get out of because i dont like hurting peoples feelings. Get scared that im leading him on cause im just bored or something and that i will get super distant again and just suddenly leave him. And he said thats what he is scared off cause if past relationship and in my head i was just thinking well shit should leave now cause that sounds like soemthin id do. 
And he said he is really affectionate. While i feel like im not really he said he misses me (cause of lock down) and i didnt even say it back lol. 


I don’t know what im trying to say. I think just that im scared i will hurt him cause idk what in doing and because he seems to really like me. Which yeah i know thats obvious cause together but i feel really overwhelmed with feeling like i have to reply to someone everyday more than once. Which tbf doesnt feel that much effort considering i used to never message people. It kinda feels natural sometimes. But yeah my head is a bit like. Maybe just stop this now while incase you do it later and hurt him more. But then my head is like aw no he seems decent and if this embarrassing problem keeps grandually getting less maybe it will go well. 
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    He keeps speaking about his ex ://///
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    I sorry I don't have much advice for this, but im in the same boat so you're not alone, I know the best thing for him is if I leave cause I can barely handle myself let alone let someone else handle me as well, but I don't want to hurt his feelings...

    I've been through trauma too and I guess the only way we can move on (that's not the right word like I don't think i'll ever move on) is to push us out our comfort zone, this is new territory for me too, its the first serious relationship ive had since the trauma, but he knows about the trauma so it kinda makes it easier <3
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,103 Boards Champion
    I would say that it takes time to develop love for someone - it grows over time, rather than a simple yes/no. Remember, you both have to be ready and committed for it to grow into something special, or at least be on the same page for what you want from the relationship. I'd have that conversation before you guys decide what you want to do x
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 123 The Mix Convert
    Hi there @Shaunie

    That does sound like a tough decision to make. 

    However, I think there are some things you could try which help you. 
    I'd suggest talking (or messaging/calling because of Lockdown) Lee to let him know exactly how you feel about the nature of your friendship/relationship. Maybe make him aware of the stage your believe your are at so he can try to understand how you may be feeling. As you have been in a relationship in the past that was abuse, I can completely understand why you may feel reluctant to initiate a new one. Especially when he uses words like "his" to describe you. However, Lee may not understand how this upsetting experience has impacted you. 

    A little conversation may help you, as well as him. This way you both could understand how one another is feeling. 

    I understand that you may feel scared about hurting another persons feelings but also consider your own. If dating someone may make you feel negative emotions, then maybe the relationship isn't a good idea. But if dating someone may make you feel positive emotions, I'd suggest giving it a go! You should never feel trapped in a relationship. If it begins to feel negative at any point, you are free to 'call it quits' at anytime. That is always your choice. 

    In relation to him talking about his ex a lot, does this bother you? Some people like to talk about their exes a lot to clarify what they don't want in a new relationship. Personally, I don't like it and it bothers me. I'd suggest letting Lee know that you don't like it, if it bothers you too. 

    I think your exclusive/dating stage is very unique so you could take advantage of it! At this very early stage of the relationship, you could let each other know your likes and dislikes with less fear of the other persons reaction. Honesty is a great foundation to build a new relationship upon.

    Good luck and I hope some of this was helpful! 

    Tee A :3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited May 2020
    Thank you all very helpful <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Hey @Shaunie

    As others have said, it's definitely a good idea to talk to Lee about your past experiences. Your history shapes who you are today, and the right person will be understanding. Only do this when you're ready and comfortable, but this may help you both set boundaries and get assurance from him.

    Always put yourself first, you've got a great future ahead and anything you choose to do should always be from the heart. A relationship should make both your heart and your mind smile, so only approach it when you're ready. If it feels natural with Lee, see how he reacts after setting your boundaries, if it doesn't feel natural then do whatever makes you feel best! Of course this requires considering his feelings, but it's best to be open and true when it comes to happiness longterm. Your relationship is always your choice, your happiness is always your choice. Never let anyone stop you from being happy.

    Use this time to get to know him better and share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. Just know you're free in this world, and if he is right for you then he'll play a part in making your future the best it can be. Good luck, and always follow your heart. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks @Knowledgepower14

     not really used to someone keep telling me they like me. It feels a bit boring and repeatative and not needed lol but is nice. And in my head im thinking "are you preparing me for something?" Like abuse. And i feel like be is more affectionate than me so might not work for much longer and he keeps saying he misses me and cant wait for lockdown to be over. Which is nice but i don’t know. Want to speak about soemthing. And started talking about sex in general is was uncomfortable. I don’t know why. I have had sex with people since the abuse but that felt like i forced myself rather them forcing me and i dont feel like forcing myself anymore so im scared i wont have that control
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Im scared im leading him on and really need advice please


    ive meet up with him a few times and he is really nice. But he none stops talks about himself and barely lets me speak let alone is interested in my life. I don’t know if its because he can tell im shy and boring or what i don’t know. A lot of friends do that too. So it might be my fault. I feel worse after seeing him. I feel so drained. 

    Everytime i date someone i feel like thats it im stuck with them now and i dont like telling people no hes been telling his family and friends about me and about when i could stay round his but im feeling stressed now and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. 

    What do i do? 😓
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Shaunie

    To be honest it kinda sounds like you don’t enjoy spending time with him and I’m not surprised if he’s talking about himself the entire time. No matter how shy and boring you think you are, a conversation is meant to be two sides and he has to share responsibility for not letting you speak as much. 

    At this stage, you are allowed to make the choice of whether you see him or not and I’d really question why you’d want to see him again if he’s making you feel drained? It sounds like it’s because you’re feeling stuck with him, is that right? 

    You’re allowed to make a choice to not continue to see him without having to worry about what he’s telling his family and friends - remember you need to look after yourself first. What I usually do in these situations is ask myself - if this was a mate reaching out for help, what would I say to them? Hopefully that will help you come to a decision no matter how hard 💜 

    Let us know what you think
    - Lucy 
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