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Sexual assault and alone

Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
Hi so I’m new here I’m Jam-and-Jelly

so I wish my first visit could have been more pleasant. I wanted to post earlier but I got scared so deleted the post, I was in support chat and everyone seems nice but it was quite late so I didn’t say too much due to this.

so it was my 16th Yesterday (20th August) and I went out for a meal with friends and family, I then went back to my boyfriends house we were going to watch a movie. Urmm we didn’t get to watch a film. He said that now I was officially 16 I was legal (legal age for sex) and that he wanted to be my first I hadn’t slept with anyone before and just said I wasn’t ready. He got angry and said that I should want to give myself to him and let him be my first and when I told him no he got physical and forced himself on me. 

He drove me home afterwards and I just went to my room I told my mum what happened this morning as I refused to come down for breakfast and she barged into my room demanding to know what happened. but she said I was wrong, that it couldn’t of happened and she didn’t want to hear about it.

I know I need to be examined and I wanted my mum to come but she won’t talk about it so I haven’t been yet...... I feel disgusting to say it but.. I haven’t showered yet I have heard that it gets rid of the evidence that would be needed. I just want to get it over with but the only sexual health clinic I know doesn’t open until 10am tomorrow. I don’t want to go it alone but I have no one. Some one in SC said that I can call before I go has anyone had any experience with calling a clinic? What will they ask?

 I’m worried what if he follows me? He’d been texting and calling all day but I’ve been ignoring him.

 I don’t know what to do or think 

sorry guys I don’t want to upset anyone 
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    Charley7Charley7 Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    Hi, welcome. 

    Im sorry that this happened to you, it’s a truly horrible thing. While I have no similar experience myself, I have had friends who have similar things and would recommend seeing someone as soon as possible. 
    Its not nice that your mum didn’t listen to you, you need support in this time. 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm so sorry he assaulted you. This must be an awful thing to be going through <3

    You're doing well with going to a sexual health clinic. I don't have any personal experience with calling one, but calling beforehand sounds like a good idea and I hope your visit goes well. Let us know how it all goes.

    How has your mum's reaction made you feel? You always have us and there are people who want to help, you're not alone with this.

    I understand not knowing what to do or think. Sending you hugs <3
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Hi guys thank you for replying and sorry to trouble you guys. I gave them a call and they explained what would happen. They arranged an appointment so that I wasn’t waiting around in case I get too anxious. I have been and they were very understanding and told me where to go as they can’t do examinations there and have said that they advise going the hospital but what if they call my mum
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    alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    edited August 2019
    Hi @Jam_and_Jelly

    Firstly, I just want to say that you are not troubling anyone. Thank you for opening up and explaining what happened to you. I am so sorry to hear what you went through and how your Mum has reacted.

    The way you're dealing with this is really brave - I think it's a really good idea to reach out about it. Well done for calling and getting an appointment. I can't guarantee that they won't call your Mum however hospitals usually have a confidentiality agreement so if you felt comfortable to call up and ask, I'm sure they can discuss this with you.

    In terms of him following you, here is an article giving some advice as to what you can do if you're being followed: https://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/stalking-9175.html.

    Now the practical advice is out of the way, I wondered if you wanted to talk more on here about how you're feeling? This would be a really difficult thing for anyone to go through so I have also listed some support services in the spoiler box below in order for you to reach out and discuss it further if you felt that this would help. 

    (trigger warning) 
    • Rape Crisis offers support and advice to victims of rape and sexual assault, no matter how long ago the attack was. 0808 802 99 99
    • Need help but confused where to go locally? Download our StepFinder iPhone app to find local support services quickly.
    The first two are crisis support, with The Mix being a messenger service and the other being a calling service. The final one I have listed is not a crisis service but could help you find services locally to you so this might be a suitable alongside one of the crisis support services. 

    Finally, I just want to remind you that we are here for you. 

    Sending lots of hugs x
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Thank you again I changed my mind in the end I couldn’t do it. Mum was crying this afternoon and apologised saying she was in shock and now I just feel confused 
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    chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    Hey @Jam_and_Jelly

    Just to echo what @alice123 has already said, you are in no way troubling anyone. We're here to listen and support you in any way we can. You're already doing so well by opening up and talking about what has happened to you. You're incredibly brave for speaking out. 

    First of all, it's okay that you've changed your mind about going to the clinic. This is all still really fresh so it's understandable that you're experiencing a lot of confusion and fear right now. It is important, however, to be examined as soon as you feel able. Not just from the standpoint of evidence collection but also to treat any injuries and screen for STI's. I know it must be really difficult to even think about that kind of stuff right now but you absolutely should prioritise your health and get checked out. 

    Secondly, it sounds as though your mum was initially shocked and in denial about what happened to you. It must have been awful feeling like you had to deal with this alone, without her support, but hopefully now she will help you moving forward. How are you feeling about her apology? Would you be comfortable having her come with you to the clinic?

    You said that you've been ignoring your assaulter's calls and texts. Is that still the case? Your safety is the main concern right now. I urge you to let a trusted adult or friend know if you're worried about him following you. 

    Please keep us updated <3
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    edited August 2019
    Everyone is being so nice it’s very much appreciated. My mum has agreed to go to the clinic with me tomorrow when it opens.

    shes being really supportive lately and I have mixed emotions in one sense I’m angry at her for not believing me at first (even though she was in denial.) but at the same time I’m just glad she’s here with me now and feel sad for putting her through this. but I’m worried about her. She doesn’t know it but I’ve heard her crying a lot when I’m not in the same room such as at night.
    its my fault she’s upset.

    maybe I shouldn’t of told her, I just blurted it out when she came in my room when I wouldn’t go downstairs. I feel that maybe if I hadn’t of gone back to his house it wouldn’t of happened I should have just gone home it was my birthday and my mum would have probably wanted me at home anyway.
    I haven’t told her about the calls or texts yet everything seems to be happening so fast right now.
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    One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 605 Incredible Poster
    edited August 2019
    Hi Jam please don’t blame yourself for what he did he is in the wrong not you. As far as the texts go I Encourage you to tell her
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    ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 87 Budding Regular
    Hello @Jam_and_Jelly,
    It's really good that you were brave enough to share your worries with us, it's always difficult to tackle such situatuions alone and I really hope we can support you.

    I think you were right to share it with your mom and in fact I guess she should be proud of it cause it means that you really trust here and were looking for support firstly inside your family and not somewhere out. But we are all humans and for sure she was upset cause she really worries about you. Probably she blames herself cause she couldn't protect you from that...who knows, but anyway it's difficult for you as well as for her, just the reasons are different and I'm sure you can go through it together cause it is what  family are needed for, to have each other by your side and support if needed. I can imagine that it's difficult for her to see her crying, but it's just the way she let her emotions to go out, so let it be so
    I send you a lot of hugs and love, hope you will get better soon <3
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hi @Jam_and_Jelly


    Sending you hugs! I think you're handling this amazingly and being able to speak out about it is incredibly brave <3


    I just wanted to check in and see how you are today?



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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Thank you guys Xx today hasn’t been good to be honest although General chat has helped take some of it off my mind for a short while. 

    Im still receiving a lot of bad texts of people I thought were my friends I’m struggling to tell her this she still seems really upset. I have had the examination and what Evidence they have got is being held at the clinic until I decide to report it or not. Mum wants me too but she’s trying not to push as she did the other day and I got too upset over it. I want to do it but I’m scared. People are already spreading roumors about it what would they say if the police suddenly turned up?
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey! 

    I am sorry that yesterday wasn’t the best, but I am happy that you found general chat to be helpful for you 💓

    It sounds really isolating for you at the moment, and I can imagine that receiving upsetting texts from people who you thought were friends, must be hard for you. Have you got any friends that are been supportive over the situation? 😊

    It is understandable to be scared about reporting it, but you need to remember that it is in your control and your pace. Do you feel like you are ready to report it or is the fear overpowering that at the moment? 💗

    I would think that the police would try and be as subtle as possible, and that they would try not to cause any more distress for you.💓

    You are so strong talking to us about this, it takes a lot of guts and I am really proud of you! 

    Butterfly x


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    ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 87 Budding Regular
    hello @Jam_and_Jelly,

    It's obvious you are scared, I really understand you. Probably it will be easier for you if you know exactly why you want to report. Is it cause you want some punishment for him or you will just feel better and protected if you report, or maybe you just feel it's what you need to do just because it's expected from you? I guess you should report when you are ready and sure that it will make you feel better. It's your decesion only.

    Unfortunately rumours always will be :/  do not let them impact you, darling. Look how many people write stupid sruff about celebrities, but I don't think that celebrities really care about it, cause it's only their business. And as we can see you are really brave girl, cause you spill out  your problem, so I'm sure you can overcome it and do not hesitate to ask for help and support  <3  
    We are here for you  :3

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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Butterfly23 and @Valerialetto I had a better day yesterday me and mum went out for a bit. I have a couple of friends who I’ve known since I was little who found out the other day like everyone else via rumours but they have contacted me and said they have been amazing. 

    When it comes to the police there’s a lot I’ve been thinking about part of my wants him to pay for what he did, another part of me wants to ensure that he can’t do it again and then another part is scared stiff. I suppose it’s easier on here to speak out on here I am Jam_and_Jelly. No one knows my face meaning no one knows who I really am.

     I know I shouldn’t let the rumours get to me but the majority of the school will know by now it’s only a matter of time before the teachers find out. He seems so smug and confident about it all and is trying to turn people against me.

    thanks guys
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    ClaraOswaldClaraOswald Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    Hello @Jam_and_Jelly

    I haven't been assaulted but I know how hard it is when your parents are upset, especially if you're close to them?
    I wish I could take my own advice but please remember it's not your fault, and you will always be the higher person. Also remind your Mum that it's not her fault too, she may feel responsible (I know my  Mum does when I'm upset)
    About the police its your call but the rumours may stop if they know about it. Your teachers would probably be told whats actually happened, and it's their job not to judge you so please don't worry about that  <3

    My feelings are bigger on the inside.
     "I do what i do because it's right... and above all its KIND" - the 12th Doctor 💕
    The joy is worth the pain.

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    alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    edited August 2019
    Hi @Jam_and_Jelly

    How are you doing today?

    I am glad you have friends who you can rely on to be supportive, you deserve to have a good support network <3

    With the police, echoing what @Butterfly23 said previously, it is up to you whether you report it or not - it is in your control and can be dealt with at the pace that you're comfortable with. I understand that you are feeling some conflict about reporting the incident, would you like to talk more about this? 

    I wonder if you would feel comfortable talking to the school about the rumours as it is not fair for people to be 'turned against you'. Was there something in particular that happened which made you feel like people are against you? 

    Keep talking to us, especially if it's helping you distract yourself - we are here for you x
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Hey guys I just don’t feel ready to go to the police yet, that being said I’ll still be seeing him around. Either way I feel stuck. I spoke to mum about school Tuesday but she said she will talk to the teachers but she still wants me to go to school. 

    I normally enjoy school but with everything going on it just feels way too much. The main reason people are turning against me due to the rumours is because he’s popular and well liked. Where I’m well not very popular. Him telling everyone what happened (according to him) makes things worse as people think “why would he say that you called it rape if he actually did it.” Meaning why would he even mention anything if he was guilty. Which is exactly why he did it. He knew that if he got out there first people would believe him.

    id imagine that as soon as we start back the school staff would find out anyway. Rumours are like wildfire it doesn’t take long for it to be passed.
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,056 Boards Guru
    edited September 2019
    Hey @Jam_and_Jelly

    You've been incredibly brave reaching out here for support. I can really hear how much you're hurting and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just echoing what everyone has said, please know that what happened wasn't your fault at all and you're not alone. <3

    I can really hear how scared you're feeling about people at school not believing you. This can be an awful feeling and I'm so sorry you're getting these horrible messages from people who you thought were your friends. Try not to let this fear of others not believing you prevent you from finding the support you really deserve. I believe you, the community here believe you and we always will. <3

    It's really great that you have a few friends who've been amazing throughout all of this. There will always be someone that believes you and for those who don't, try and remember that none of them were there. This happened to you and you know what happened and so does he. If people ask you about what happened, you shouldn't feel pressured to tell them if you don't want to. This is your story and you have the right to keep it safe and only tell those you feel comfortable talking to. 

    Hey guys I just don’t feel ready to go to the police yet, that being said I’ll still be seeing him around. Either way I feel stuck. I spoke to mum about school Tuesday but she said she will talk to the teachers but she still wants me to go to school. 

    It's okay to wait until you feel ready to go to the police. There's no right or wrong decision about reporting this whatever you decide to do. We'll always be here to support you through everything. :) 

    I really hope everything goes okay on Tuesday. Keep posting here anytime you want to talk. Really well done for the progress you've made so far. It takes a lot of courage to take the steps you have, especially telling someone and also going to a clinic. You're doing so well. :)  

    I've listed a few organisations below, some of them have been linked in this thread before, but I just wanted to put them here again if you'd like to reach out for any further support. 

    • Rape Crisis - offers support and advice to victims of rape and sexual assault. You can call them on 0808 802 99 99. 
    • Victim Support - you can call their helpline on 0808 168 9111 and they also offer support via email. 
    • Samaritans - are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. 
    • Crisis Messenger - are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

    Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 87 Budding Regular

    hey @Jam_and_Jelly,

    I'm really impressed by you being so brave to overcome this situation. You're doing really well and your feelings are fully understandable.

    Unfortunately this issue will take some time to sort out. And you'll have to stay strong for a little bit( I'd suggest you to keep low profile if it suits you and okay for you. Cause the more talks and discussions the longer it'll take to pass away. You know how people can be and all these rumors issues...for sure there'll be someone asking you about this situation and bringing you a lot of stress by that. I really believe it's better if you do not comment it at all . It's only my opinion you can choose whatever you feel better with <3  Concentrate on your school especially if you like it, new school year will bring you a lot of new positive emotions, enjoy it and try to leave the bad thing behind!

    It's really great that you have friends by your side and you always can talk to us in here to get some support. I hope your Tuesday is good 
    :3 

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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Thank you everyone, everyone here is so nice why can’t people be like that in person. Honestly today had been absolute hell! My mum spoke to the school but unfortunately they couldn’t keep us in different classes yet so the best they could do is move me to the other end of the room from him until it can be planned out of where I can sit. I felt so stupid once I walked into that first lesson and saw him I couldn’t stay there with the knowledge of him being in there too. I just had a complete brake down and just made a run for it. Unfortunately the school gates are locked after a certain time so I had no escape. 

    A teacher found me in the girls toilets later on and said I could spend my lessons in the learning support room until they can sort things out to keep me away from him. To which I agreed. Break and dinner time was horrible I met my friends the ones who are supportive. But all the hate texts/messages I’ve had are now verbal a few people have come up to me asking why I was lying about what happened between me and (him) others giving me dirty looks and calling me names. One girl in my year said while she didn’t believe me wanted to know details then kept asking me questions about what happened which were really upsetting.

    then to topped it off I had to deal with seeing his smug face in the corridors despite moving away from him in lessons I still have to see him outside of them!

    my mum has suggested maybe having a 1-2-1 teacher with me for the time being. While I get where she’s coming from I don’t want a teacher following me everywhere I go! 

    I just want everything to go back to how it was
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    PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    Hi @Jam_and_Jelly

    I'm really sorry that today has been so difficult for you. As @Valerialetto said, these situations can take time to resolve, but please know that it's not stupid at all to feel uncomfortable seeing him in class and in the corridors - you're doing so well just to be in school today so truly well done <3 you've been so brave.

    It's nice to hear that you were able to confide in your teacher and she was supportive and offered to let you stay in the learning support room, I hope that helps you while arrangements are being finalised. 

    The other pupils coming up to you sound really difficult to deal with. Do remember that you should never feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone because it is your story to tell and you know that you are telling the truth. Even if it seems like the world is against you, remember you have some amazing friends are we are all here to support you as well <3

    I can hear that you feel reluctant to have a teacher being around you 24/7, but how would you feel about asking your friends to keep you company when you walk through the corridors in case you encounter him again?

    Feel free to reach out in any of The Mix's Support Chats or Rape Crisis if you need any immediate support on 0808 802 99 99.   
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    edited September 2019
    Hi @PoppyB thank you for replying, I’ve been not been on for a few days so sorry for not replying sooner. School is still not good at the moment although it’s been a little easier than it was. I’m now talking to a school councillor which is helping a little. I’m still spending my lessons in the learning support room so I’m away from him. Unfortunately I am still crossing him when it’s break/dinner time but I have got my friends with me who keep me distracted. 

    I’m seriously considering going to the police more now because I feel he has told his side which we both know isn’t true but people haven’t heard my side of the story other than what he has told them. Thank you for the support websites I’ve had a look at a couple of them 
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    edited September 2019

    hey @Jam_and_Jelly,

    I'm really impressed by you being so brave to overcome this situation. You're doing really well and your feelings are fully understandable.

    Unfortunately this issue will take some time to sort out. And you'll have to stay strong for a little bit( I'd suggest you to keep low profile if it suits you and okay for you. Cause the more talks and discussions the longer it'll take to pass away. You know how people can be and all these rumors issues...for sure there'll be someone asking you about this situation and bringing you a lot of stress by that. I really believe it's better if you do not comment it at all . It's only my opinion you can choose whatever you feel better with <3  Concentrate on your school especially if you like it, new school year will bring you a lot of new positive emotions, enjoy it and try to leave the bad thing behind!

    It's really great that you have friends by your side and you always can talk to us in here to get some support. I hope your Tuesday is good :3 

    Thank you @Valerialetto currently I’m just trying to avoid anyone who is talking about it at school as you say the more it’s talked about the longer it stays around. It’s quite difficult at the moment as when people are coming and asking me questions I’m just walking away but they just don’t seem to stop. It’s also like even though I’m ignoring them and walking away they know it’s bothering me deep down. Hopefully you’ll see this I’m not sure how to separate my text  from the quote 😂

    Thank you Xx

    Post edited by TheMix on
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,056 Boards Guru
    edited September 2019
    @Jam_and_Jelly I've just fixed your post for you! The quote thing can be a bit buggy sometimes, I had to delete the quote and add it back in :)

    I just wanted to say how brave and strong you are to be going through all of this. I'm sorry to hear how difficult it's been for you back at school. I can't imagine how it might be feeling for you having people constantly come up to you asking you about what happened. Has your school counsellor given you any useful advice on how to cope with everything that's going on? Are any of your teachers giving you much support too? 

    I'm really glad to hear that you have some supportive friends that are helping to keep you distracted. Having a strong support network around you can be so important <3.

    Keep us updated with how everything is going, we're all here for you. <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,097 Community Veteran
    I got sexually assaulted too but the ones who did it started a family straight after and moved on instead of paying for wat they had done. sending msgs to get ur own back, don't do tht
    Crazy mad insane
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,097 Community Veteran
    the right ppl to go to is ur doctor, they can tell where there is organisations for therapy n stuff 

    keep us updated, stay safe much luvs <3
    Crazy mad insane
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Sorry for not replying I’ve tried to completely shut it all out unfortunately that hasn’t worked. Still battling with him and the school and we are now looking into me moving schools which was my suggestion as I can’t see how else to get past this, the only thing going against me there is the fact my school is close and the next closest school isn’t very close. The other one being that my mum doesn’t see why I should be the one to change my life for what he has done.

    its all very messy still and the kids at school just won’t let up on this situation I walk away all the time but they keep going on and on and on even when I ignore them it doesn’t stop! 
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    PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    Hey @Jam_and_Jelly how are you feeling today?

    I'm really sorry that you're still battling with the school - you are so courageous and resilient to be going through all of this. How are you feeling about the prospect of moving to another school?

    I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for people to keep bringing up what happened even when you have told them to stop. Perhaps you could ask your school counsellor for alternative ways to handle what's going on if ignoring doesn't seem to deter them?

    Please do keep us updated - we are all here for you and sending you lots of support <3 
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    JohnBolanderJohnBolander Posts: 5 Confirmed not a robot
    Sorry this happened to you, sending love your way! <3
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    Jam_and_JellyJam_and_Jelly Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    You guys have been amazing honestly. things seemed to have settled a little (sort of) 
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