Feeling bad but being ashamed

Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
Pretty much from the minute I woke up today I've felt like shit, yet I'm ashamed to talk about the things that're bothering me. With nowhere to turn, I usually just curl up until I can sleep, all the while frantically thinking about self harm. Right now it seems so appealing.


  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,042 The Mix Elder

    Just wanted to pop on to offer you some hugs and tell you that we are here for you and care about you.

    What or who is making you feel ashamed to talk about things? You can talk about things here, nobody is going to judge you. :heart:

    Do you have any distraction techniques to help when you want to self harm? 

    Keep posting if it helps you. We are here for you 

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    Thank you for the reply. I'm ashamed of what're probably pathetic problems, of myself by extension. I feel as though talking about it will actually make things worse, not better. As much as I'm told that I won't be judged, I don't believe it. Don't really know what to do to fix it.

    As for distractions, I'm probably just going to sleep a lot.
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Hi @Spook98

    I promise that we are all here to listen and support you, whatever the problem. Nothing is too small or big.

    Talking about it will be painful and uncomfortable but always more helpful to recovery in the long run. <3  
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    thankyou, feel a lot better after a massive sleep, other than the migraine. I'll try to talk about it all, just not publicly.
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 England Posts: 357 Rampant Poster
    Hey Spook! 

    Just wanted to say that you are really brave to talking about your feelings on the mix, I hope it helps a little bit 💗

    As @chubbydumpling says we are here to listen to anything and we won’t judge you, only open up when you are ready though no pressure ☺️

    Glad you are feeling a little better! 

    Butterfly x
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    Always ashamed to admit to being lonely, and that talking about it and being down about it is pathetic for a guy to do. Embarassed and scared by the contempt I seem to have for myself and the cruel things I say to myself over and over in my internal monologue. 
  • JordanJordan Posts: 50 Moderator
    There can be a lot of stigma surrounding men talking about their feelings, but there is nothing pathetic about doing so. It can take a really strong level of character and a desire to better yourself to open up about how you are feeling and the fact you need help.

    You are always welcome to use these forums to talk about how you are feeling and the issues you currently face or reach out to The Mix team via any of these methods.
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    Thanks, it's usually the same case of the first leading to the second. Because I get that hatred of myself it feels as though I deserve the pain and also deserve to suffer it in silence. At times before now, even when I desperately needed to I would refuse to speak to people and instead I'd just mentally torture myself for hours.
  • JordanJordan Posts: 50 Moderator
    Keeping all our thoughts and feelings to ourselves can be tough @Spook98. I know for some people even just speaking to someone helps a lot.

    Are you currently speaking to anyone about how you feel? This could be a friend or a professional
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 98 Miniposter
    Hi @Spook98

    Whilst talking about our feelings is always one of the very best things we can do to help ourselves, I really do understand it can be difficult to do sometimes. We are all here to support you in feeling comfortable to talk about how you're feeling, but I am wondering if in the meantime you have ever thought about writing your feelings down in a diary?

    The good thing about writing about your feelings is that you can write anything you liked without any fears of how other people might perceive it (though I may add we will absolutely never judge you for anything you tell us here :heart:). You can write coherently or just in a scramble to get things out of your head - either way it is a great way to better understand how you are feeling which really can help. How would you feel about this?

    You are doing so well by talking to The Mix. Take good care :heart:
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    I've been trying to be a little more active on here. I also talk to CALM if I'm in crisis, and have been working with the GP towards medication and therapy. But I often play tricks on myself, and end up feeling much worse after talking. I'm just so cynical, I end up questioning every piece of advice and good sentiment I ever get. 
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 56 Miniposter

    Hi @Spook98

    Just wanted to give you hugs and echo what everyone else said that I think you're being incredibly brave opening up to us and I hope it's making you feel a little bit better <3

    I think it's really good that you're talking to a variety of different people and that you've been in touch with your GP.

    I definitely agree with @coc0mac - if you find it hard to talk to people about how you're feeling, it might be good for you to write a diary - at least then you get all your feelings out.

    We are all here for you! <3

  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    For the longest time I pulled away from social interactions in general, and I feel as though I missed out on so much and as time goes on thinking about changing that gets more and more daunting. When I'm at my loneliest it feels like there is nobody there and nobody I could turn to, to do things with that would distract me. My complete ineptitude when it comes to making friends and meeting people is really embarassing for me, and it keeps getting. If too much time goes by without speaking to someone I start to feel really resentful towards the people I actually like. By the time I went to university my pattern was set, and I can't stop asking myself horrible questions like why would anyone want anything to do with me? What do I have to offer anybody? It all leads to reinforce my belief that I'll never be able to fix it, so I'm never going to be happy, and ends up like everything else swinging around to thoughts of death and self harm just to get out of that thought cycle. Which is something I've thought way too much about recently. I dunno, I'm just miserable, it's sad, and feels so unbelievably pathetic.
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Hi @Spook98,

    I think you're really brave for writing about how you feel on the boards. I empathise a lot with you, I mirror the same behaviour also reinforcing my belief I'll never be able to fix it. I personally find it really tough trying to voice these feelings and I think you've done it so well. 

    It can be hard when you're feeling lonely but are also pulling away from social interactions. Do you have any friends you can talk to? I try to meet up with friends even if I don't talk about how I'm feeling just to try and socialise even for a little while. Is there anyone you could hang out with to try and combat the lonliness? 

    I've also found that just talking on the boards is a good way to express how I'm feeling and feel a little closer to people without having met them.
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    Thankyou @Evelyn360,
    I usually meet up with friends once a week, and could probably do with finding more ways to meet people. Trying to improve my self esteem probably wouldn't go amiss either. When I think about it though, it seems and feels really counter intuitive to talk about out it, even if it gets me down, since complaining about it will only serve to push people away. I mean, who wants to bother with somebody who's so often miserable? Not a fun person to be around most of the time. So how exactly do I apporach the situation? It's been easier not to in all honesty, and try to accept I'll always miss out on the things that might make me happy. 
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Hi @Spook98, I completely understand. It's a hard cycle to break and one I'm also trying to figure out. 

    It's positive that you know you want to spend more time with your friends. Maybe the more plans you make to get out the house will help stop your  mind wandering elsewhere. Also surrounding yourself with people who are more energetic could help, people tend to bounce off each other. 

    I try not to think about the things I'm missing out on and instead take one day at a time and see how that goes. Not always easy and can be difficult on days when I'm alone but it's a start. Try focusing on the things about yourself that are positive. I.E you're a good friend, you're always there to help people and listen (I've seen some of your replies on the boards). 

    It can be a hard subject to bring up with friends especially if you feel it will push people away. How are things going with your GP and organising therapy? 
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 106 The Mix convert
    Thanks @Evelyn360,

    I picked up all of the paperwork I need to transfer today, and I'll try to get it all done ready to take there tomorrow. As for therapy I was going to see if the GP would refer but I might not need to wait. I don't really know where I should start. Do I get specialist bereavement counselling or counselling in general for everything else that bothers me?

    Also thanks for the advice, it means a lot. Hope you are doing okay with your own personal problems as well.
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    That's great, you're being really proactive  :) 

    Regarding counselling, a good place to start might be to think about what do you feel is influencing you the most at the moment? Whichever route you choose I'm sure the counsellor will be able to direct you to the best place. 

    You're welcome for the advice, I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking  :)
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 England Posts: 357 Rampant Poster
    Hey  :)

    Just wanted to pop in and see how you are feeling today?  <3

    Butterfly x
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