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Feeling bad but being ashamed

Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
Pretty much from the minute I woke up today I've felt like shit, yet I'm ashamed to talk about the things that're bothering me. With nowhere to turn, I usually just curl up until I can sleep, all the while frantically thinking about self harm. Right now it seems so appealing.
chubbydumplingButterfly23davcr0ckMia_moo
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Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,115 The Mix Elder
    Hey,

    Just wanted to pop on to offer you some hugs and tell you that we are here for you and care about you.

    What or who is making you feel ashamed to talk about things? You can talk about things here, nobody is going to judge you. :heart:

    Do you have any distraction techniques to help when you want to self harm? 

    Keep posting if it helps you. We are here for you 

    :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Butterfly23
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Thank you for the reply. I'm ashamed of what're probably pathetic problems, of myself by extension. I feel as though talking about it will actually make things worse, not better. As much as I'm told that I won't be judged, I don't believe it. Don't really know what to do to fix it.

    As for distractions, I'm probably just going to sleep a lot.
    Butterfly23Mia_moo
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 309 Rampant Poster
    Hi @Spook98

    I promise that we are all here to listen and support you, whatever the problem. Nothing is too small or big.

    Talking about it will be painful and uncomfortable but always more helpful to recovery in the long run. <3  
    Spook98Butterfly23
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    thankyou, feel a lot better after a massive sleep, other than the migraine. I'll try to talk about it all, just not publicly.
    davcr0ckButterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 791 Incredible Poster
    Hey Spook! 

    Just wanted to say that you are really brave to talking about your feelings on the mix, I hope it helps a little bit 💗

    As @chubbydumpling says we are here to listen to anything and we won’t judge you, only open up when you are ready though no pressure ☺️

    Glad you are feeling a little better! 

    Butterfly x
    Spook98chubbydumpling
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Always ashamed to admit to being lonely, and that talking about it and being down about it is pathetic for a guy to do. Embarassed and scared by the contempt I seem to have for myself and the cruel things I say to myself over and over in my internal monologue. 
  • JordanJordan Posts: 78 Super Moderator
    There can be a lot of stigma surrounding men talking about their feelings, but there is nothing pathetic about doing so. It can take a really strong level of character and a desire to better yourself to open up about how you are feeling and the fact you need help.

    You are always welcome to use these forums to talk about how you are feeling and the issues you currently face or reach out to The Mix team via any of these methods.
    Spook98
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Thanks, it's usually the same case of the first leading to the second. Because I get that hatred of myself it feels as though I deserve the pain and also deserve to suffer it in silence. At times before now, even when I desperately needed to I would refuse to speak to people and instead I'd just mentally torture myself for hours.
  • JordanJordan Posts: 78 Super Moderator
    Keeping all our thoughts and feelings to ourselves can be tough @Spook98. I know for some people even just speaking to someone helps a lot.

    Are you currently speaking to anyone about how you feel? This could be a friend or a professional
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 175 The Mix convert
    Hi @Spook98

    Whilst talking about our feelings is always one of the very best things we can do to help ourselves, I really do understand it can be difficult to do sometimes. We are all here to support you in feeling comfortable to talk about how you're feeling, but I am wondering if in the meantime you have ever thought about writing your feelings down in a diary?

    The good thing about writing about your feelings is that you can write anything you liked without any fears of how other people might perceive it (though I may add we will absolutely never judge you for anything you tell us here :heart:). You can write coherently or just in a scramble to get things out of your head - either way it is a great way to better understand how you are feeling which really can help. How would you feel about this?

    You are doing so well by talking to The Mix. Take good care :heart:
    Spook98Han93
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    I've been trying to be a little more active on here. I also talk to CALM if I'm in crisis, and have been working with the GP towards medication and therapy. But I often play tricks on myself, and end up feeling much worse after talking. I'm just so cynical, I end up questioning every piece of advice and good sentiment I ever get. 
    davcr0ck
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 123 The Mix convert

    Hi @Spook98

    Just wanted to give you hugs and echo what everyone else said that I think you're being incredibly brave opening up to us and I hope it's making you feel a little bit better <3


    I think it's really good that you're talking to a variety of different people and that you've been in touch with your GP.


    I definitely agree with @coc0mac - if you find it hard to talk to people about how you're feeling, it might be good for you to write a diary - at least then you get all your feelings out.


    We are all here for you! <3

    Spook98coc0mac
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    For the longest time I pulled away from social interactions in general, and I feel as though I missed out on so much and as time goes on thinking about changing that gets more and more daunting. When I'm at my loneliest it feels like there is nobody there and nobody I could turn to, to do things with that would distract me. My complete ineptitude when it comes to making friends and meeting people is really embarassing for me, and it keeps getting. If too much time goes by without speaking to someone I start to feel really resentful towards the people I actually like. By the time I went to university my pattern was set, and I can't stop asking myself horrible questions like why would anyone want anything to do with me? What do I have to offer anybody? It all leads to reinforce my belief that I'll never be able to fix it, so I'm never going to be happy, and ends up like everything else swinging around to thoughts of death and self harm just to get out of that thought cycle. Which is something I've thought way too much about recently. I dunno, I'm just miserable, it's sad, and feels so unbelievably pathetic.
    Evelyn360tkdog
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 73 Miniposter
    Hi @Spook98,

    I think you're really brave for writing about how you feel on the boards. I empathise a lot with you, I mirror the same behaviour also reinforcing my belief I'll never be able to fix it. I personally find it really tough trying to voice these feelings and I think you've done it so well. 

    It can be hard when you're feeling lonely but are also pulling away from social interactions. Do you have any friends you can talk to? I try to meet up with friends even if I don't talk about how I'm feeling just to try and socialise even for a little while. Is there anyone you could hang out with to try and combat the lonliness? 

    I've also found that just talking on the boards is a good way to express how I'm feeling and feel a little closer to people without having met them.
    Spook98
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Thankyou @Evelyn360,
    I usually meet up with friends once a week, and could probably do with finding more ways to meet people. Trying to improve my self esteem probably wouldn't go amiss either. When I think about it though, it seems and feels really counter intuitive to talk about out it, even if it gets me down, since complaining about it will only serve to push people away. I mean, who wants to bother with somebody who's so often miserable? Not a fun person to be around most of the time. So how exactly do I apporach the situation? It's been easier not to in all honesty, and try to accept I'll always miss out on the things that might make me happy. 
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 73 Miniposter
    Hi @Spook98, I completely understand. It's a hard cycle to break and one I'm also trying to figure out. 

    It's positive that you know you want to spend more time with your friends. Maybe the more plans you make to get out the house will help stop your  mind wandering elsewhere. Also surrounding yourself with people who are more energetic could help, people tend to bounce off each other. 

    I try not to think about the things I'm missing out on and instead take one day at a time and see how that goes. Not always easy and can be difficult on days when I'm alone but it's a start. Try focusing on the things about yourself that are positive. I.E you're a good friend, you're always there to help people and listen (I've seen some of your replies on the boards). 

    It can be a hard subject to bring up with friends especially if you feel it will push people away. How are things going with your GP and organising therapy? 
    Spook98
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Thanks @Evelyn360,

    I picked up all of the paperwork I need to transfer today, and I'll try to get it all done ready to take there tomorrow. As for therapy I was going to see if the GP would refer but I might not need to wait. I don't really know where I should start. Do I get specialist bereavement counselling or counselling in general for everything else that bothers me?

    Also thanks for the advice, it means a lot. Hope you are doing okay with your own personal problems as well.
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 73 Miniposter
    That's great, you're being really proactive  :) 

    Regarding counselling, a good place to start might be to think about what do you feel is influencing you the most at the moment? Whichever route you choose I'm sure the counsellor will be able to direct you to the best place. 

    You're welcome for the advice, I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking  :)
    Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 791 Incredible Poster
    Hey  :)

    Just wanted to pop in and see how you are feeling today?  <3

    Butterfly x
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    @Butterfly23

    I'm okay thankyou for asking. I've been taking a bit of a break from the boards because I was on too much just waiting for things to reply to. Was makin me feel like a bit of a saddo. :p I'll try to post more when I feel a bit better.

    Hope everyone is okay in the meantime.
    Butterfly23
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 175 The Mix convert
    HI @Spook98

    Just had a catch up of your thread and wanted to say well done for working towards getting the support you deserve. Even just thinking about counselling is a huge step - and just as @Evelyn360 says, a counsellor will be able to direct you to the routes best for you :smile: 

    Always remember you can post on here as much as you like - you deserve to be supported.  Take good care :smile:

  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Feeling a thousand times better than yesterday and not in crisis anymore so I guess it's a good time to talk about it. Hopefully it doesn't happen again anytime soon. 

    I felt like total shit for hours and it seemed like there was nobody around to help me. I tried to talk about what I was feeling despite being embarrassed by it, so in my head the worst outcome happened. I made myself vulnerable and nobody cared or just found it pathetic. I also tried distracting myself by just looking for a chat in general, and it also felt like none of my friends had time to talk to me either.

    It was probably mostly in my head as I got more and more worked up over it. But my shame turned to real anger, as I really wanted to hurt myself, so that I could say (in my head) that it was their fault. Thinking of inflicting that guilt on people is one of the cruelest thoughts I have and I feel terrible for it. 

    I was looking at having these thoughts for hours before bed. I was fully intending on self harming as soon as it got quiet, but a crisis service convinced me to tell my mum about everything. I told her, barely, and she shut me down with: "dont do anything at yourself, because I'm telling you now I wont be able to cope, and you'll leave your sister without a mother." By this time I was fucking exhausted and I was glad to sleep to get it over with. Unfortunately now I'm in a position where my mother wants to forcibly fix me it seems like.

    It might be a little too much right now. It's sad and embarrassing for me to say, especially as a guy, but I just want to feel a connection with someone. To be a appreciated and have someone who actually enjoys talking to me. Feeling like I dont and will never have that has fueled a lot of my self loathing.

    Sorry if that was a lot of nonsense. 
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 49 Cool Newbie
    edited July 30
    Thanks for sharing all your thoughts on here.
    We're here for you to listen without judgement so don't feel ashamed to talk about things. You make sense dont worry.
    It is frustating that your mum dealt with it like that and that now you feel pressure to do something. If you can find a way to reassure her you are doing something towards that it may help although best not to stress it. It is complicated with family issues and that.

    Maybe you can find a professional you can talk to or a teacher of some sort that you can trust. But otherwise feel free continue to share how you are feeling here and there is a vent board too and group chats if you ever feel like it.

    If you want to connect with other first what may help is to practice self love. Remember caring starts from yourself.

    Try to also observe your negative thoughts as they arise and counteract them if you can.
    Sometimes negative thoughts can lead to more negative as you may have experienced. I reccomend regularly taking a walk or doing some activity like washing the dishes perhaps?

    Remember relief from self harm is temporary and doesnt fix any inner pain you feel. As well as it causing more problems. If you need relief it is best to find alternatives. Also here is a picture that might help you.

    [spoiler added by moderator - information mentions self-harm methods]


    davcr0ck
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 791 Incredible Poster
    Hey,

    Just wanted to pop in a see how you are doing today? <3

    Butterfly x
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    I'm fine thanks @Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 791 Incredible Poster
    Good to hear, remember we are here for you  :)  <3
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Thank you. :) Same feeling as my mini break before though, becoming too dependent on talking to people on here so I'm not going to be as active anymore. Also feel like I'm running out of energy to be as kind to people as they deserve so it's best not to say anything at all. 
    Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 791 Incredible Poster
    I understand that 💗 and thank you for the support you give! 
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    That means a lot thank you. Just ignore half of what I said then, I was in that kind of agitated mood and being a dick because of it. :D 

    What I should of done if I was decent is make sure you were doin okay too :p 
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 225 The Mix convert
    Hey all, hope everyone is doing okay. I just wanted to voice some of the things I've been thinking recently. I've been pretty numb to emotion recently, both other people's and my own, and its frustrating because I dont know why. As a result I've been really on edge and I've been turning general low moods into anger just because it feels more comfortable.

    I know that I dont feel right, all of the same problems as before still apply, but it's been so easy to wave away any thoughts of talking about it or asking for help. I look at the profiles of people I feel I could talk to, or I look at the boards, thinking about what I could say - but I just dont ever see what difference it would make. 
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