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Rape counselling/emotional support

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
edited May 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I am at the top of list for rape counselling for rape or emotional support. Counselling is 15 sessions and emotional support can be longer & for when ever. So i think it was agreed that im having emotional support.  

They clearly forgot about me. But it doesnt matter cause ive been at college/training anyway. And they said they had soemoen off sick & apologised a lot. Feel have been waiting forever tho tbh. But doesnt matter am grateful. They said would contact me very soon

anyways. Im scared speaking about it will turn me back into really bad crisis& tryig to die. Trying to report it made me unwell & thats talking about so idk. Maybe that was different


also im scared that i would get very attached to the support & the person and thinking that there has no time limit to it - i would never want it to end either way cause may get attached to person so idk.:(
if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
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Comments

  • LubnaLubna Posts: 496 Budding Regular
    I had rape counselling but for what ever reason it didnt suit me however I had 10 sessions with a psychologist last year and she was amazing. So I hope it works out for you with the rape counselling.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited May 2019
    Thanks

    i think i just dont want to get attached since it would be the longest would have support from someone in that way. And i end up wanting to be everyones friend but yeah dont ask cause wouldnt be allowed. But yeah i seem to get attached  , expect from the therapist that gave me therapy for anorexia. He was not helpful & some others. but it seems not worth it since i get overly sad at the end. Dont know how to just not

    they said they would contact me this week cause im at the very top of the list. But doubt they will. They have lots of sick people off
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Jellyelephant
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    LIARRR. 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Jellyelephant
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    FICKING DIE YOU CUNT
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Jellyelephant
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited May 2019
    No i dont think counselling will work out for me  This is only from thinking about it lol
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Jellyelephant
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 773 Part of The Mix Family
    What’s going on shaunie? Has something happened? Hope ur ok x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Shaunie
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 765 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm happy to hear you are finally at the top of the list and really relate to why you are feeling triggered and worried about whether counselling will make it worse. I remember you had a bad experience when you reported it which will be triggering. 

    I've been through rape counselling and can honestly say although a few sessions were uncomfortable I wouldn't be the person I am now and wouldn't have been able to live a 'normal'ish life without it - sometimes we have to face into things to move forward. And progress isn't linear. <3 

    Let us know if you hear from them?
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Hey Shaunie,

    As Lucy said, it's positive that you're at the top of their list. I'm wishing you the best with it.

    I'm sorry to hear of your fears about it, we're here to support you <3 Do you think it may be a good idea to tell them about your concern of it sending you into crisis? I also wondered if you could make a plan on what to do if that did happen?

    Do you know of any particular reason that makes you get attached to someone (e.g feeling lonely and uncared about)?

    Sending love and hugs <3


    Shaunie
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    How are you feeling today?

    I'm really glad to hear you're at the top of the list to get some support. I know you've been waiting a while to hear back from them and this is really positive hear. You mentioned they're going to contact you again very soon, have you heard back from them?

    I just wanted to echo what everyone else has said and say that it's understandable to hear your concerns about speaking about what happened. It's incredibly difficult to talk about what happened and go through the trauma again. You're really brave for wanting to give this a go Shaunie. How are you feeling now compared to how you were when you were trying to report this? 

    Kathleen suggested a nice idea about talking to them about your concerns about going into crisis again. Do you think this is something you'd feel comfortable talking to them about? 

    Keep us updated with how everything goes <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited May 2019
    Thank you all<3 
    I do apperciate support   Dk how i feel. I thinkim just a bit stressed &discombobulated (lol) to reply properly right. I think its too much stress with everythin and my thoughts too much cant think.
     But just saying thanks!:)xxxx
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07Lucy307
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    I still havent heard back from them. Which yeah isnt a suprise. Taking agessss now. But maybe good thing while in doing my assignments dont want more stress aha. 


    But i cant breath properly and keep getting dull pains in my back and lower stomach which i cant tell if to do with not being able to breath properly or not. 

    This morning ive made an appointment to see my GP at 3

    TRIGGER WARNING (little detail about abuse)

    And basically for not being able to breath properly and because i get really irregual periods & my back is always a dull ache. And i don’t know if im being "paraniod" but i swear is from sexual abuse. I did see my gp a lil while after it happen. Since he did force very hard down my on bladder to make me wee on him 🤢 and i am pretty sure that cant be good for like ovaries and whatnot. And when i did see my gp after this they did like general checks of where they feel your stomach and press on it and all that. But that was really triggering for me since yeah he would press there. So i never went back after that and was suppose to have blood tests. So i know maybe if it was that bad something bad would of happen by now. But yeah still weird i dont get regular periods and hard to breath a lot and i have low iron(i think im slightly bleeding where he would put force me so thats why i have low iron) but they said is from heavy periods or low eating. Um not from since hardly get them and my eating is fine. 

    Plus. Know if only go in there saying hard to breath. Theyre just going to say stress without finding more reason cause yeah dont know how my brain can make me not breath. 


    But anyway. Even if nothing is wrong i just want to go on the pill anyways

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    Lol well this is going awful. Didnt say half the things i wanted to cause i was too scared lol.

    But starting on the pill to hopefully get periods backs. But i said had unprotected sex but sure im not pregnant and she said she needs to check to be sure. Which yeah is awful cause i didnt need a wee. So now im just lke in waiting room for her to get back with just like wee in a pot that i don’t know if even enough lol. 

    And ofc they just blame everything on eating disorder
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 765 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie

    How was the rest of your appointment - is there anything else you still wanted to say but didn’t feel you could? 

    Understandable that going to the GP can be triggering if they are pressing down on you like that. Just wanted to say it’s really brave that you still went and are still trying to take care :heart:

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    The rest of appointment wasnt much better. Im not pregnant which already knew so made me do that for no reason 😒😒

    I wanted to say how I think the abuse has messed up my body but yeah I just couldn't :(  so then I just thought I would explain my symptoms instead but she just said about going on The pill to regulate my periods.  I thought if someone has irregular periods they do blood tests to check if you have something wrong. But yeah clearly not. Just give you the pill. But yeah I didn't know the pill is free so that's something lol and every symptom I did say she just said about my eating disorder. But I do feel like the abuse must of done something to me, cause can not even describe and how hard he would push down and the pain. 

    I want rape crisis to contact me now I've finished all my assignment and maybe can deal with that stress 

    & thank you @Lucy307
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    Oh dear.this is embarrassing
    Need help

    But  i feel a bit fucked up since this appointment. I just avoid public toilets so did give me anxiety when had to do wee test to make sure not pregrant.  And felt like i was being watched. So i keep thinking about why i felt like that and now i keep picturing that there was a camera on the lock. And i cant actually go back to double check because they lock their toilets and need to ask for key. Which dont wanna do. And then i am just thinking would it matter. - there was obviously a camera and i wouldnt be able to see it either way. So now i am pretty sure they have cameras in every single public toilet but even if tried to look i wouldnt be able to find it because can hide cameras so well these days. And i know you would say it would be illegal. But yeah we do not actually know what goes on with the world. Cause im sure the earth could be flat and that we get lied too.

    and now i am wondering the chance of someone at one point coming into the house and putting a camera in our bathroom and i feel ive look in every part of the walls and all products and cant see anything and so idk if either im being stupid and ive clearly missed  a very well hidden camera so my minds gone weird. And also who knows bathroom could be built with cameras

    anyway im really scared of using toilets now and kinda need help cause i feel ill and something else wanted to say but think too embarrassing so wont
    and i emailed rape crisis last night asking how soon did they mean by "soon" 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    So would like to dehydrate myself and see if can survive or not 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    Shaunie said:
    So would like to dehydrate myself and see if can survive or not 
    Sorry i don’t know if that goes against rules as maybe can read it as self harm method or suicide, sorry if triggrred anyone or anything
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    edited June 2019
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm sorry to hear how your appointment went. It sounds like it was disappointing for you, and I really sympathise with how you were too scared to tell them about your concerns <3

    I don't have the fear of there being a camera that you're experiencing, but if it makes you feel less embarrassed, I have feelings of being watched - I've got this thing where I feel like I'm someone else or they can see me, to put it simply, and it does make just using toilets hard, haha. If you feel up to it at any point, please do feel free to tell us the other thing you mentioned you wanted to say x

    Let us know when rape crisis contacts you.

    Sending a hug <3
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    Thank you Kathleen. <3
    But omg this is awful


    I had the most awful dream this morning. And it was that i was being suffocated by him (didnt actually happen in real life- think just have those dreams cause felt like suffocation). But in the dream i also saw a camera on his door handle and on his front door lock.

    In actual life he did take picture and would threaten to sharing it but dont think video/so now i am thinking what if he videod the whole thing to make money on sites

    so i went on porn hub and typed in things like "being forced to wee on him" and all those sort of things. Thought could just scroll past but came up with competions or something which think means more than one video in it. So then had like watch all the to see. And it was girls being force to wee on them. And they kept saying they didnt want to. I mean idk if thats suppose to happen or she didnt actually want to.

    Then i was actually physically sick 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

    And i feel so sick right now😭😭😭what if these are all people who have been actually forced into that.

    Then it came up on my phone "someone may be tracking your iphone" 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. So does that mean they are recording my phone screen too

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    Everyone thinks i am disgusting
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 773 Part of The Mix Family
    You’re not disgusting shaunie - what happened is not your fault. He is the disgusting person for doing that. I know it’s hard to believe though. Hopefully rape crisis will be able to help you work through these feelings xxxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    ShaunieKathleen07
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 773 Part of The Mix Family
    Also the pop up on your phone is most likely just a virus or malware or scam etc it won’t be real xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Shaunie
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Trailblazer
    Hey Shaunie, I can tell that this is really hard for you and I'm sorry that you aren't feeling to good so I'm sending you lots of love! <3 

    I'm so proud of you for trying to speak out that's amazing, and it must be stressful waiting for support that you seem like you really want. I can empathise with you in terms of the attachments, its something that I struggle with when it comes to people who are supporting me,  I really do hope that they get in contact with you soon, and I fully believe that you can get through it. 

    Always here x
    ShaunieKathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    Thank you you jelly and butterfly. 

    I keep writing things just to delete it again. So dont have anything to say now cause i think of everything at once and then i don’t know where to start so i start some where then thats like way too long in writing and havent even touched the sides of what i wanted to say and no one would want toread and even this is getting too long cause dont think am important enough that people will actually read more than a few sentences. So now i am still carrying on maybe because i feel so not important that i dont want anyone to use their time reading and now no one will prbably. And lol how have i wrote a whole paragraph that literally says nothing ahaha
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Trailblazer
    @Shaunie don’t worry, you can share anything with us, we do want to hear but its okay when we don’t know what to say x
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    I feel sooo bad. I need help. 😭😭😭😭😭Keep feeling so bad randomly. I am so fed up of thinking i am "stable" to then seriously thinking about taking my life. I am so fed up of my triggers and body functions that no one will understand and i just want to leave my body cause i obviously cant get over it. Its been like 4 years. No one understands. I just cant handle it much longer. I have been texting samaratians for few days to say ways i want to die and stuff so dont say on here but i dont think anyone believes me when say want to die. I really do 😭😭😭😭😭 and i don’t know how much longer can cope. I have tired to feel better but no matter what i am still dirty & disgusting And am crying writing this cause is not how wanted my life to be but i really want to die. But i feel at peace when thinking about being dead and see black screen and not feeling stressed, anxious, tired, fed up , disgusting and sad. Will feel nothing and do nothing. And i just want to leave. (Am safe rn just feeling v hopeless)

    [edited by moderator] 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm so sorry and sad to hear how much you want to die :disappointed: I can really hear how much you're struggling. It must be incredibly hard to feel like this.

    I understand how you would feel so dirty and disgusting. I definitely don't see you as either of those. I see you as really sweet, helpful, cool, strong, pretty (I've seen pics of you around the boards haha), and in general a great person. You're not what somebody chose to inflict on you, you're worth so much more than that.

    Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were. It's not fair. I know how hopeless things could feel after 4 years. It sounds like it really affected you, and I'm not going to minimise that or say that you'll completely "recover". But the damage can fade a lot. You can learn ways to handle it and your triggers <3

    I can relate to the feeling of being so hopeless, and emotional suffering can truly be agonising. I believe in you, and I believe that you've got so many good times ahead, so much use to the world. The pain will go, just like it comes, and there is hope of relief and happiness.

    From what you say about feeling bad randomly and going from thinking you're stable to feeling suicidal, it also sounds like you struggle with an unstable mood - is that true? If so, depending on if it's a major or long-term problem, and what it's caused by, I don't suppose it could help to try mood stabilisers?

    Speaking of which, I know that you went on anti depressants recently, and then stopped due to them making you feel worse. So I also just wondered if it would be possible to try another type, if you want to?

    Sorry I'm not too helpful lol.

    Let us know how you're feeling. We care about you. Sending hugs <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    Thank you @kathleen0172  <3

    I just keep thinking i don’t know what happens after death, it may even be better but feel cant stay in disgusting body😭😭😭. Think i deserved it (i am safe atm with actual no specfic plans - so probably cause im actual coward & just attention seeker)

    um im not sure what i think about meds for your mental health tbh. & know thats maybe cause never probably let them work idk, maybe. 

    & rape crisis have been taking so long :((. 

    Im so tired but kinda feel have gone past the point where i naturally sleep :(. I dont want to be suffocated anyway & sleep isnt even escape anymore

    [edited by moderator]
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 269 The Mix Regular
    Hi @Shaunie

    I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and you are feeling this way - we are all here to support you and I really hope that being able to chat to us helps you a little bit.

    Please don't ever think anything was your fault - you have done nothing wrong!

    I was just wondering if you have spoken to anyone else about this? 

    The Samaritans helpline could be really useful - they're open 24 hours a day and free to call so they could be really helpful for you when you're struggling to sleep and need someone to talk to. You can call them on 116 123 or visit their website for other options https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

    There are some other useful helplines listed here if you feel that Rape Crisis aren't being helpful: https://www.itv.com/thismorning/rape-helplines
    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/#.XP4ajC2ZNo4

    Remember that we are all here for you and this is a safe space where you can tell us anything! 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,142 Supreme Poster
    edited June 2019
    Thank you. But things got bad & police came round today without me knowing 😭😭😭😭😭😭they told me i should see my gp. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i really want to die. They asked what they can do to help. Said nothing.  They left. My family here. Soo embarrassing my family dont care tho

    [edited by moderator]
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
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