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Here we go again... :( *TW

kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
Hey xo Uh, idk where to even begin hah...  Basically, I'm in great mental/emotional pain, and I can't cope with everything my mind is doing to me, I feel my life and the future are hopeless and I'm doubting that I'll succeed in it, I feel powerless to change anything in my life, and of all it is also making me feel desperate and stuck and suicidal.

Tbh, I'm pretty overwhelmed right now and it's hard to think, so I'll just leave it at that. But I may come back and extend some more, and will if you want. I'm posting this just 'cause I don't want to be alone with all these feelings and thoughts, and I just feel like I want someone to at least know. I'm not looking for any magic words or advice. [On that note, I do want to stop posting and am trying. Just that all this stuff makes me want to do so as a cry for help or something :/ I'd love it if you can bear with me rn, I'm just distressed - that being said, I totally get it if all the confusion and breaking down is getting on your nerves. I'm truly sorry for this].

<3

ShaunieMillie2787Aife

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie No one. England 🏠Posts: 3,839 Ultimate Poster
     'a problen shared is a problem halved' & all ah. so i hope you feel bit less weighed down by all this.  & we are all here to listen. You have nothing to be sorry for. Hugs x
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 1,189 Fanatical Poster
    You're not getting on anyone's nerves Kathleen, that's what we're here for, a community for everyone to get support, we'll always listen :)

    I hope writing down your thoughts has helped you x

    We're all here and remember there are more services such as 1-2-1, the crisis messenger,  counselling,  and other services such as Samaritans if you need to Reach out to someone during chat break but we will always listen and try our best to help xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "
    All I do is sit and think about you If I choose then I lose.
    Distract my brain from the terrible news
    It's not living if it's not with you" ~ The 1975

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    Thank you @Shaunie @Laine <3 The consideration really makes a difference to me.

    I already regret posting this thread. The mods can delete if they want lol. I have no idea what I'm looking for or doing. I feel like I keep looking for answers somewhere, including on here - wtf can you guys even do for me? If anyone can change anything, it's me, but I honestly just feel so helpless and distressed... Idk how to convey to you how bad I'm feeling. But change has to happen (I have to feel less bad and my life has to start looking more hopeful), or I don't even know what... I can't really do suicide. But it's feeling that way. Maybe I'll just get so desperate that I will regardless. (I'm safe right now. Sadly).

    AifeLaineShaunie
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    Just a rant really. I need to think through things and get it out, and seeing as I already made this thread, it seemed most fitting to put it here. That's all. Hope no one feels they have to read/reply <3

    These are only two of the things going on. But breaking it down into smaller things may be easier, so I'll just keep it to a thing at a time.

    1: I keep feeling like no one likes me. I think of every slightly critical remark anyone's ever said to me, and my brain interprets it as them saying they wouldn't care if I was dead (or that they'd be better off). I think of every mistake I've made and feel they make me unlovable. I feel all my attempts at helping people fail, and all I do is hurt everyone. And I feel nobody will ever care, like or value me.

    2: I was on about feeling I won't succeed in life, so let's extend on that... I guess I'm scared/doubtful about the future. I feel I can't make a difference or play any role in life. I feel I won't be content and I'll keep living in this darkness. And so it just feels like my life's going to be wasted away. Idk, I feel hopeless about it all, really. I feel the same about the present, so it's just life in general really - there's a general feeling of hopelessness, that I can't live with this mental torment, that my life's headed nowhere and I'm doing nothing with it and it has no meaning?:(.....And I feel the need to change things. To know roughly where I'm going and work towards it, to feel less heavy and have more peace and enjoyment, to maybe make some friends and other such things, to get the small things sorted out (because I've fallen behind on life and basic stuff due to feeling bad). But it seems impossible to find the strength, and I just keep thinking that it's not worth it and my life is truly fucked... I really want to believe that this is all in my head - but it doesn't feel like it is. Well, some things feel like they are or could be, but other things, such as that I won't succeed in life, feel like they're reality.

    ShaunieStephanie
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 109 Moderator
    Hey Kathleen,

    Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing? It sounds like things are quite difficult for you at the minute, really glad to see you posting for support, we are here for you :heart:

    Have you spoken to anyone else about how your feeling? Family or a GP?

    Sometimes setting small goals could help you move forward to where you want to go. 

    Sending hugs, we are here for you :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    Thanks @Stephanie <3 I'm doing just the same. Stuff can differ a tiny bit, but I'm always and constantly being tormented with this battle.
    I still haven't seen a doctor, and don't really plan to anytime soon... probs makes me sound stubborn and self-pitying, I just don't think it's the right option rn. My family know I'm struggling, but I don't feel able to talk to them much because they've got a lot on their plates. Although I've been talking to my dad a bit for practical information/advice on various stuff.

    <3

    ShaunieAife
  • ShaunieShaunie No one. England 🏠Posts: 3,839 Ultimate Poster
    Huggs <3

    Our heads can make our thoughts feel real. And that it is a fact we will not get anywhere in life or never feel better.  When really that is Never a fact. When ive been suicidal - health professionals have asked me "does it scare you that after suicide takes away any chance of feeling better". My first thoughts would always be 'wellll no because i will never feel better' But it was always make me question that small part in my brain and made me think she is right and there is actually a chance of anyone to feel better. No matter how hopeless things can be 

    its your chioce if you dont want to see the doctor and we support you either way <3. I saw somewhere else you was going to see a spech and language therapist. Did you and did it give u any hope?

    and maybe you wont be able to properly hear this. But i hope you can. -i really like you and think youre lovely and your support has helped me <3
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    Aww @Shaunie thanks <3

    Yeh I saw speech & language. Basically... They can't really help me, as the issue is in my throat, rather than something wrong with my voice, like a stutter. I'll be referred to an ENT doctor (I knew it was that I needed lol) to look at the problem - which may mean having a camera down my throat, idk. They also said to rest my voice, like the first doc did - nothing was said about medicine or surgery, so I'm guessing if voice rest and exercises can't help, I'm fucked. But in terms of being a musician... I think you saw my ramble in the ranty thread about it all. How I'd likely be willing to play guitar, too.

    I've been trying to think about my life - the future and the present. I just feel the need for some sense of direction, and of what I really want, and what's going to happen. Everything just feels like a mess. But maybe it isn't? Like, maybe it's just my mind that's a mess, and in reality, stuff will turn out fine. But if that's the case, that means I can't enjoy "reality" because of my mind, therefore I need to be better :/ Sigh, idk. I'm doing what I can to work it all out. But it's so hard when you're suffering like this. I don't really need to state this again, but I've been so distressed lately. Possibly doing worse than ever, and I've been through some real shit, so...

    Shaunie said:
    and maybe you wont be able to properly hear this. But i hope you can. -i really like you and think youre lovely and your support has helped me <3
    That made me smile <3 I really like you too! Though you're actually deserving of being liked ahah.

    Shaunie
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 109 Moderator
    Thanks @Stephanie <3 I'm doing just the same. Stuff can differ a tiny bit, but I'm always and constantly being tormented with this battle.
    I still haven't seen a doctor, and don't really plan to anytime soon... probs makes me sound stubborn and self-pitying, I just don't think it's the right option rn. My family know I'm struggling, but I don't feel able to talk to them much because they've got a lot on their plates. Although I've been talking to my dad a bit for practical information/advice on various stuff.

    <3
    Hey, just wanted to check in to see how your doing today? :heart:

    Sending hugs, 

    It doesn't sound like your being stubborn or self-pitying, it takes a lot of courage to talk to the doctor about how your feeling, and while they are there to help, it's not for everyone, so try not to think your being stubborn, with talking to a doctor it's something you need to be ready to do, and if your not ready that is totally okay too, we are all here for you :h:heart:

    Has it helped to talk to your dad? 

    Has your family said anything to you about how much your struggling? We understand it's difficult to open up to family if they are dealing with things too, 

    :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    edited April 19
    @Stephanie thanks *hugs you* <3

    I don't want to say I'm doing bad at this moment, 'cause I'm always struggling and this isn't uncommon - but it's on the worse side today. I'm just dealing with the usual stuff and am hopeless. And idek why, but it's making me suicidal. I keep thinking of ways to die or how to make things easier for everyone in the aftermath of my death, etc.. I'm not going to do anything, but somehow I want to and I just feel really bad.

    Edit: Oh yeah lol... Talking to my dad is sometimes helping a bit in some ways. My family are pretty sympathetic and encourage me to get help, but I guess there's not much else they can say or do :/

  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    edited April 19
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    edited April 20
    Sorry. Deleted again. I'll try to stop.

  • AifeAife Posts: 1,596 Moderator
    edited April 21
    Hey @kathleen0172 how you're feeling today? 

    I'm so sorry to hear how much you've been struggling recently. It sounds like these past few days have been particularly tough for you. You're doing really well to reach out for support here, I hope it's helped a bit reaching out here. 

    I've been reading a few of your other posts in some other threads and it sounds like you've been really struggling with suicidal thoughts. It can be really scary having these thoughts and it's really great you've been doing everything you can to keep yourself safe. I was wondering if you've made a safety plan before? They are really great and you can use it to help you when you're struggling with these thoughts. Papyrus have a template that you can use if you're interested in making one. Let me know what you think :) 

    You really deserve to be supported through this Kathleen. I know you're feeling a bit unsure about reaching out to your GP, so I wanted to list below some other places you can reach out to for support that you might be interested in trying:

    • Kooth - offer free, safe and anonymous online support for young people. They offer 1-1 chats with counsellors 12-10pm Mondays-Fridays and 6-10pm on Saturdays and Sundays. 
    • Samaritans - are available 24/7 and are there to talk to you about anything you're going through. You can call them on 116 123 or email them at [email protected]
    • Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. You can text THEMIX to 85258.

    Stay strong Kathleen, keep fighting <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    @Aife thanks so much <3

    To be totally honest, I haven't been awake for long, so I can't be certain how today will go. But I'm getting the idea that it's going to be another horrible day, because I found myself on the verge of sobbing just trying to write this reply... Ahah. Things are just so horrible and hard. I'm just feeling really hopeless, is the best way to describe everything. I can't take it all anymore.


    I haven't made a safety plan because, well... I guess some people's thoughts of suicide are kind of intrusive, impulsive, and they get scared that they'll act on them. But it's not like that with me. The only upsetting thing for me is that I can't kill myself. Idk, I just want to escape from my feelings and from what I feel will be a failed future. I end up trying to think of how I'd do it and how I could make things less difficult for my pets and family after my death. I'm "safe" right now though 'cause of the reasons why I have to stay here.

    Thank you x But I feel like I don't deserve it. My mind just reminds me of things I've done in the past or other reasons why I could not.

    Aife
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 1,109 Fanatical Poster
    edited 04:09
    I went on a completely honest and reflective essay instead of getting sleep. I think I explained it pretty accurately, though I think it's also kind of jumbled up. You don't have to read <3 If I can be brave enough, I might show this to my dad and see if he can help. Possibly my mom as well. Idk, I guess I need perspectives and advice, and my family have more chance of being able to help with that lol. Under spoiler 'cause it's long.
    I've been feeling really hopeless.
    It feels like life isn't meant for me. To picture what I want... I want to feel free and more alive - enthusiastic, like there's a lot I want to see and do. Enjoyment, like things are amazing and hold beauty. I want to have fun, doing stuff like crazy water slides and running and skateboarding and walking by the ocean at sunset, all sorts. I'd like to volunteer, and help others, and be truly useful for them and make a difference. I'd like to do music, but without any stress (like, I'd love to just be in a band and make music, perform and tour, get to meet and work with other musicians... But without having to worry about money, getting pressured by the music industry, etc.. And also maybe just do it a fair amount instead of sacrificing most of my time to do it). I'd like to have some friends who I get along really well with and we can do stuff together and we care about each other.

    I guess that's my ideal life. I want to have fun and feel lighter (free from all my suffering and thoughts and stress).

    But... I don't feel like that is waiting for me. I feel so, so depressed, not enthusiastic and joyful, like I mentioned above:( Though I will say, that I know that somewhere within me, I still have some ability to feel those positive, free feelings - because I was able to picture my ideal life up there, and I felt slight peace and hope. Not in this life, but in the world that I was imagining. But, even while I felt that peace and hope, my mind was still contradicting me with, "but that's not going to happen. What if things don't hold any beauty, what if your life is going nowhere and will be failed [etc]?". All these depressive feelings feel like reality, and I don't know if my mind is lying to me or not, but it really feels like it isn't. Is it right, and I should end it all?

    So, I don't even know if there's actually a great life waiting for me, and if I can have the fun and freedom that I want.

    Then, you have got some practical concerns... I mean, about being a musician, my ideal isn't really available, I don't think. I could possibly just be in a band and perform on weekends sometimes, but I think that's too small. But being a proper musician who's always touring and busy and all that... That might be too big. I really want to just do it for fun, but in this world there is money and stress. So I'm not sure what to do about careers and stuff. And then, it's hard to think about that stuff and the future, because my depressive feelings make me feel like nothing's right, and I won't have the life I want, and everything's hopeless. So, I'm guessing that the main thing here is that I need to do something about how I'm feeling. I need to feel better. I need to get that enthusiasm and enjoyment back into my life. So, how do I do that? Can a doctor help?

    Then that leads us into my concerns about seeking help. 1st concern here, which is related to the above: If medication or something won't work, I honestly don't feel that anything will. So I'm scared that a doctor can't help, because my feelings are true, or treatment won't work, or something along those lines.

    Concern 2: This whole situation I'm in. Also, there's one thing that you can maybe consider bad... The house is in a bit of a state. It's messy, and things are damaged (like the bath). But honestly, there's nothing dangerous, and it's never really affected me (and I'm 14 anyway). But social services won't see it like that... Sigh. So, my anxiety here: I get referred to CAMHS. CAMHS freak out because we're evidently not the happiest and healthiest of families, my sibling got them concerned and me supposedly being okay was one of the things that calmed them down, just because of prejudice against home-education, and yeah... CAMHS ring social services. Social services come out, and see that the house isn't greatly kept. Social services either put me in foster care, or force my parents into things... I guess this fear is a bit irrational. In part, I think it came from my parents. Because my sibling has had countless screaming fits, it would make my parents scared that the police would get called. And it is true that some people are a bit judgy of home-education, so my mom at least has had slight fears due to that. So I guess my childhood made me a bit scared of this stuff lol. But regardless of how irrational it is or is not, I'm still scared about this.

    Concern 3: It'd be so uncomfortable. I'd be embarassed and scared of judgment, I guess. I just imagine myself walking out of the room or something. So I'm not sure how I'd get the courage to see the doctor.

    But, maybe nothing stands any chance of getting better, if I don't try? 'Cause I'm feeling really really bad and can barely function (not being able to go out due to not having clothes due to being so depressed isn't exactly functional... ahah...). I don't think there's anything I can do to stop this. I can sometimes distract myself, but the thoughts and feelings are always in the back of my mind, and they always properly attack me again. And I can't at all try to improve the present or work towards the future, 'cause it doesn't feel like anything is "better", because I'm depressed.

    I'm feeling lost and powerless and don't know what to do. But looking at it, I assume that it starts with my mental health, right? So... yeah.
    I can definitely feel at this moment, that I want to get better. But I'm scared in case I can't, because what I'm feeling is the truth, and I also don't know how. Not sure how to brave professional help, and again, what do I do if that doesn't work?... Yeah, think I'd definitely lose all hope and just kill myself. I'm just lost and don't know where to go from here. Again, I guess it starts with my mental health. If my mental health improves, I can enjoy life a lot more. I can think more clearly and do things to make my quality of life better. I can work towards the future. I guess feeling better is really the base for everything else, and it would all fall into place. I've tried to just keep going without that base, and it hasn't worked. And it feels like my mind has really gotten to an awful point. You have to be feeling pretty fucking bad and desperate to consider suicide. Suicide is a tempting option, but well, it's not really an option for me. I can't hurt my family or my pets. So I guess I don't have a choice but to keep going...

    Sorry, you can see that I've been repeating myself a lot in this "essay". I'm just trying to think and get it all out.





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