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Anxious about starting a new relationship

Former MemberFormer Member MiniposterPosts: 187 Helping Hand
in Sex & Relationships
Hello,
I've had a crush on a friend for a while and recently I've been thinking about asking her out. She's a really lovely person and I think about her all the time. We talk a lot and seem to have a lot in common. Most of the time I think about how great it would be to be in a relationship with her, but if I think about getting into a relationship too much then I start to feel anxious and confused. I always start to question my own feelings and wonder if I'm really ready for a relationship.
I think it's probably due to the fact that in all of my previous relationships things have moved too quickly and I always ended up feeling trapped or uncomfortable. I guess I'm just worried that if I change my mind at any point I won't be able to leave, even though I don't see any reason why I would want to leave her.
There's currently also the issue that I'm kind of dating someone else. We met online and went on one date and she seems to be really eager to go on a second one, but I'm not so certain. She travelled a fair distance to come and see me so I feel like I should at least return the favour. Our date was almost two weeks ago and I know that this is a long time to go without telling someone that you're not sure about seeing them again. I kind of feel like I've been leading her on even though I'm not doing it intentionally.
My crush also went on a first date with someone else quite recently. I don't know if it went any further than that but it sounded like they planned to meet up again.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I would appreciate any advice. 
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Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Heyy 

    sounds confusing and seem unsure. Can be hard to know what is right.  And if youre unsure on if a relationship is what you want then guess there is no rush in asking her out. I mean i know you said she had a date but still need to take things are your own speed. Its normal to feel some anxiety about starting anything new let alone relationship but if too overwhelming then might not be wort it. 

    Maybe think about the poteintal negatives of asking her out and the postives and see which one feels more better. As it could help you think of bigger questions like possible outcomes and could it ruin your friendship if you asked. And could help you think about things that happened if asked her out - like how do you think shed react - do you think she is interested in you? 

    And with the girl youre dating atm - you dont have to return the favour - you just do mwhat if comfortable and dont need to feel guilty about it- if youre not that interested in her.But is always best to say sooner rather than later about going on second dates ect. But 2 weeks isnt that long.

    sorry if that not very helpful but wish you all the best
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Shaunie said:
    Heyy 

    sounds confusing and seem unsure. Can be hard to know what is right.  And if youre unsure on if a relationship is what you want then guess there is no rush in asking her out. I mean i know you said she had a date but still need to take things are your own speed. Its normal to feel some anxiety about starting anything new let alone relationship but if too overwhelming then might not be wort it. 

    Maybe think about the poteintal negatives of asking her out and the postives and see which one feels more better. As it could help you think of bigger questions like possible outcomes and could it ruin your friendship if you asked. And could help you think about things that happened if asked her out - like how do you think shed react - do you think she is interested in you? 

    And with the girl youre dating atm - you dont have to return the favour - you just do mwhat if comfortable and dont need to feel guilty about it- if youre not that interested in her.But is always best to say sooner rather than later about going on second dates ect. But 2 weeks isnt that long.

    sorry if that not very helpful but wish you all the best
    Hey
    Thanks for the advice. 
    I can't really tell if she is interested or not. Sometimes it seems like she is but then she's a very friendly person so I'm not sure how I should take all the compliments and stuff. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @TheAprilFool

    I hear that you're a bit worried about getting into a relationship right now, but remember you can take things one step at a time and a date doesn't always have to lead to a relationship :) perhaps if you think things have moved too quickly in the past, try and make a conscious effort to slow it down? 

    If you're not certain about a second date with the other girl, I'd just be honest with her asap. You don't owe each other anything from one date, you gave it a go and it sounds like it wasn't right, and that is totally fine. It's not too long to tell her now, and you can be really honest that you don't want to lead her on. 

    Let us know how you get on? 

    - Lucy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Lucy307 said:
    Hey @TheAprilFool

    I hear that you're a bit worried about getting into a relationship right now, but remember you can take things one step at a time and a date doesn't always have to lead to a relationship :) perhaps if you think things have moved too quickly in the past, try and make a conscious effort to slow it down? 

    If you're not certain about a second date with the other girl, I'd just be honest with her asap. You don't owe each other anything from one date, you gave it a go and it sounds like it wasn't right, and that is totally fine. It's not too long to tell her now, and you can be really honest that you don't want to lead her on. 

    Let us know how you get on? 

    - Lucy
    Hey @Lucy307
    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm really not sure that a relationship would be best for me right now for a variety of reasons. The girl I went on a date with is very nice, but I don't have any feelings towards her that I think could lead to a romantic relationship. I really think that the main reason I'm considering seeing her again is just guilt. I've already spoken to her about the fact that I am likely to take things very slowly, but she still made it clear towards the end of the date that she is hoping that things get more serious. I'm not sure if I'm reading into things too much. 

    I'm trying to be honest but I don't know how to fit it into the conversation. I don't think that things are really serious enough to break things off face-to-face, but sending her a text now after all this time seems like a bad idea. Do you think it would be okay for me to say that although I'm considering a second date I'm not sure about things?

    She has a date in mind for the second date, and if I do go I'll take the train down to her to make up for the time and money she spent travelling to me but I just keep getting the feeling that things won't work out. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    Hi @TheAprilFool

    Its always up to you how fast you take things when seeing someone new.

    Its good that you're trying to be honest with the girl that you went on a date with. I don't think its too late to let her know that you are still not too sure about things. One date is not very long at all, so being open about thinking the relationship will not develop in to a romantic one sooner rather than later might be a good idea.

    Also, you shouldn't have to feel that you should make up for the time and money that she spent coming to you. Obviously I can't speak for someone else, but if I was in the girl's position, I would rather leave it at one date than have a second one just to be able to call it even. How does that sound?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    MsBingo said:
    Hi @TheAprilFool

    Its always up to you how fast you take things when seeing someone new.

    Its good that you're trying to be honest with the girl that you went on a date with. I don't think its too late to let her know that you are still not too sure about things. One date is not very long at all, so being open about thinking the relationship will not develop in to a romantic one sooner rather than later might be a good idea.

    Also, you shouldn't have to feel that you should make up for the time and money that she spent coming to you. Obviously I can't speak for someone else, but if I was in the girl's position, I would rather leave it at one date than have a second one just to be able to call it even. How does that sound?
    Hey
    I really appreciate the advice. I agree that it's probably best to be honest rather than just continuing to date just to try to make things even. 
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