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Not coping with losing our dog any day now
She isn't the first dog we've had in my lifetime, but she's the first I've seen grow from a pup to being old and grey. So I'd defend saying she's my first dog.
Her name is Truffle. She's a beautiful chocolate labrador. We got her when I was young, I barely remember a time without her and it feels like she's always been there through everything. I always came home to her. That mischievous happy spark to anyone's day. She'd never let me be scared or alone.
She's gotten worse, much worse, although human cough medicine has helped a little. Heart or lung problems seem apparent. She's well old enough for a labrador to die, there's no putting that off now. She's been there for so much, I'd never seriously considered the reality of a time where she'd be gone.
She's going to the vets on Monday. I don't know the details, hopefully just for a check up. In a perfect world there'd be medicine or pain relief or food that could give us just a little longer with her, to spoil her and let her know how much we love her. In this world she might be put to sleep right then and there. Today could be our last full day with her. Our last chance to make her life a joy.
I can't remember a Christmas without her. I expected maybe next year's or the one after we'd have to deal with that painful absence for the first time, but it was looking like she'd make it to this one. She was so close.
I feel I've already mourned her. I've had depression, but I've still never cried more in my adult life than these last few nights.
I know if it's her time, it's her time. And of course I want what's best for her and for all the suffering to just go away. I'd try anything first but I know it's going to happen either way. I want to be there for her when it does. I don't know how I'll keep myself together, but I don't want her to be scared or alone. I'll do it for her.
but idk tho