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Maytree/suicidal feelings (TW)

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
edited October 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
[Moved and merged by moderator]

I emailed maytree yesterday night and asked if its something theyd be able to do again as find hard to be then first to make the call. Im guessing the answer was no. They ignored it. They have just emailed back with 

“I know how difficult it can be to call.  Please know that we're here when you feel able to phone us”

okay then. Well thats that 

so sad. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
wanna diee😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

----

I just want to die. Dont think anyone, in my life, cares. And am so alone. Even maytree clearly doesnt care or wants to help. So like beyond help

I dont feel safe :(. The only times i hae corauge to ring for help is when feel deserpate and so suicidal and not best to ring maytree. But dont wanna waste 111 time or Mind’s time. 

----

Need help. Why does no one, in my life, care. Feel alone. . Cant live like tbis 
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by JustV on
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Comments

  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @Shaunie,

    It sounds like things are super difficult at the mo, so it's a relief to see that you're still reaching out. This gets said a lot, but it never gets any less true - it's never an easy thing to do, so well done.

    I get the impression things are especially intense right now, and if you're not feeling safe we'd urge you to get in touch with crisis support. How would you feel about getting in touch with Papyrus (or if you're not feeling up for a phone call, our Crisis Messenger)?

    Noticed you posted about recovery college earlier, too - how are you feeling after going? Sounds like you had a couple of odd encounters, like the person commenting on your attractiveness, but how was the experience over all? :) 

    You deserve the help you need Shaunie, even if it doesn't always feel like the people around you understand what you're going through. I know it can sometimes feel like we're at the bottom of an unreachably deep hole, but even then, we're not beyond help.

    Hang in there. Nice avatar, by the way.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. 

    Had really shit day yesterday and not sure why. And yeah i liked recovery college overall and am glad i went and can go to these things - cause feel like wouldnt of went to those sort a while ago. So guess is something. But stil feel like shit & suicidal and dont knwo what to do. :(feel like nothing is worth living anymore so dunno what am doin. But will try to reach out to crisis support but even they seem to not wanna help me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2018
    This life is helllll
    why am i still alive. Im so alone :’( feel im missig out, everyon has a life and has friends. Im going no where. 
    . sad. no one would even care or would make any difference if i was dead. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2018
    TW

    I tried to kill myself:(no one cares - get on with life and all that. 
    And all i can remember was saying “i do not want help, i know what happens afterwards, i go home, i wake up and live this shitty life again” I was told things can get better. When?????? Fucking when, shit after shit, knowing i have to wake up and live another day is making me want to die. 
    i was right 😭should of left me to die😭
    so sad

    Edit: adding TW and adding i am safe right now. Just fed up of life:’(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2018
    Just literally was in the shower and started crying and didnt even have the strength to stand up so i was just sitting there crying, thinking i dont want to fight this anymore, the thoughts or life and i want to be dead. 😭😭😭

    well i surivived that anyway. 😭😭😭😭
    Felt like such a cliche depressed person. 

    Cant carry on like this😭 seems to be no way out. Please something change soon or i suddenly have some sense of hope or sense of meaning, otherwise i have to give up 😭😭😭😭 I am safe right now just so sad and depressed. 😭😭😭😭 feel so bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    edited October 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    I can really hear how intense these feelings are for you right now. Hope you are doing as okay as you can be right now :3
    well i surivived that anyway. 
    It perhaps may not feel like it, but this feels like a really important statement. You are stronger and more resiliant than you think :3.

    Recovery can be a windy road with both ups and downs, but there are times when holding on through these feelings can be the best thing that we can do. There can be a lot of pressure in society to always be moving forward and doing new things, when perhaps the best thing for us is to consolidate where we are, which can in time give us a better foundation to build upon when we are in a place that we can. Does that make sense?

    Are there some small steps you can think of that can help you cope with these feelings? Even if by themselves, it may just help you get through the next couple of hours, for want of a better phrase, every little helps...I'm sure the community will have plenty of suggestions of what helps them feel a little better.

    We are all here for you Shaunie, you are deserving of the kindness and compassion that you show so many others on this community. 

    Stay strong, take care and be kind to yourself  :3

    Ed
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit

    Thank you Ed

    Makes sense and i feel definetly pressured sometimes esp when on social media, when see others moving on with their lives. 

    Im not sure what small steps to do. Probably even just tidying my room lol very small but self care & always seem to feel lil bit better after and bit clear head as clearer room as somehow get clothes everywhere 🙃But i start a new group therapy on next monday which is like occupational stuff called Changes and is like goal setting stuff and trying to change and get ‘occupational and life style balance’. And maybe need to try to be abit more hopeful that that could help me and help change with small steps


    Feel a lil bit bit better than yesterday anyway

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Glad to read you are feeling a bit better today. Sending you a load of love and virtual hugs. The new occupational group therapy sounds positive?? I know that sometimes a lot of small things stack up to turn into a big thing... Maybe small steps will be helpful. I hope so. 

    Let us know how you get on. Rooting for you as always <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie,

    Even those little things are a sign of progress, and something to celebrate. You can't do everything at once! Just start with the small things, and allow yourself to see them as achievements. Even if they might not seem like very much, they are! Don't give up, and remember however bad everything feels right now, it will get better.

    Stay strong <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    :’(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    edited October 2018
    Aware that we've talked about this privately @Shaunie, but for the sake of other posters I wanted to mention here that I removed the recent posts in this thread.

    Going by your title, it sounds like you're doing a responsible and brave thing and getting some crisis support. :) When you feel like you're in a good place to come back, let us know how you're getting on.

    How are you feeling about your next group therapy session? It would be good to know a bit more about how that's going - are you working towards any goals at the moment?

    Again, no pressure to get back here quickly. Take all the time you need.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    I just wanted to say good luck for your group therapy that starts tomorrow. You're incredibly strong for fighting through everything. Keep taking things day by day and holding onto that hope that things can get better. You're taking really positive steps to get there by continuing to reach out for support :) 

    When you feel ready to come back, let us know how your group therapy session goes. We're all here for you and will continue to support you through this <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2018
    Aw thank you all. <3
    Getting really scared to go to group therapy today. Is with a whole new people :/. Dont even wanna leave my bed, let alone get a bus. Is at 1:30 & lasts for 2 hours :///   Still really sad & suicidal & can barely see past tomorrow so i don’t know if today is gunna make me feel even more bad :(but obviously gunna go otherwise would feel bad. 

    Really wanna die:’(
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    But have been using crisis support and topped up my phone just so i can text samaratians ah. 

    And i replied to maytree’s email the other day of where they basically ignore my question and i just wrote “please help” lollll and then they sent “In order for us to try to help we really do need to talk to you which I understand can be hard, we just want to make sure this would be safe enough for you. We can ring you and guide you with questions?  When would be a good time to talk?” -  So will try to have phone call with them
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    edited October 2018
    How did group therapy go on Monday, @Shaunie? 

    Friendly reminder that, even though it may not always feel like a lot, continuing to reach out to crisis support shows real courage and a will to carry on and keep fighting. Hold on to that. :)
    Shaunie said:
    And i replied to maytree’s email the other day of where they basically ignore my question and i just wrote “please help” lollll and then they sent “In order for us to try to help we really do need to talk to you which I understand can be hard, we just want to make sure this would be safe enough for you. We can ring you and guide you with questions?  When would be a good time to talk?” -  So will try to have phone call with them
    Did you end up talking to Maytree? I know phone calls are difficult, so it's awesome that you're at least considering giving them a ring.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2018
    Thank you. @Mike
    The group was okay and what expected.  And seems hopeful in finding a way to occupy my time. But not with how i feel and i dont really get the pathway treatment. Tbh. They give me diagnosis of BPD and just do 6 weeks that is specific for that. Can barely take much in in just 6 weeks And even tho evryone in this new group has BPD. By the introduction It feels like it could be a group for anyone who has spare time and need help to occupy it, not even for mental illness. So confused.  And its like ‘ignore the symtoms just get on with life now’. But think id be really rude if i said that in the group or to anyone. but dont get it.  But i do really feel like mentioning it in the group. 


    I havent had a call with maytree yet loll been ages ive been putting it off now :/ will try so thanks for reminding ah
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Edit - Deleted it 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Samaratians keep ignoring me :////

    i binged and purged last night. Was awfulllll.

    Really hurts now



    And i have work in an hour
    I didnt go work last weekend as i was mentally in crisis but my dad Told me he rang up my work place last saturday to say i wouldnt be going in. I knew he did as i was barely concious on friday and i hate phone calls even if i was concious lol. He told them i was physically ill with vomiting a lot. Wow i was actually sick from what happened but he had no idea of that when he rang in. Clearly just didnt want to mention anythin mental health related. He knew i wasnt well but he didnt know i was sick. And I was physically fine on sunday just still low. Wow shamful mental illness. 

    Guess ill just lie and say in my return to work i was being sick a lot the whole weekend
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry i am posting too much?

    I ended up saying to the person who did my return to work about why i was sick when she asked “will it happen again” and “did you go to a doctor or something” so i basically said what happened. And she was lovely and was aaking if im getting support and how is it and did say i am having therapy but she gave me a leaflet for Employee Assisant Program. Like retailEAP Or something and says you can email them and get free couselling which i obvioaly probably cant cause in therapy. But thought was interesting that exists. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited November 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    It's really nice to hear that person at work was really supportive when you told her about what happened. It's good that your work offer free counselling and have support like this for their staff. Is this something you'd like to try after your group therapy finishes? I know you had to wait a few weeks before the second part of your group therapy started. Would this be something you'd find helpful to try for a few sessions if you have to wait again for the next part of your group therapy to start? Hopefully it's something you can do if you were interested. :) 

    Yesterday you mentioned Samaritans were ignoring you. Did you manage to get through to them in the end?  

    It's really nice that Maytree have offered to ring you, I hope the phone call goes okay when they do call you. I also hope group therapy goes okay tomorrow. Keep us updated with how everything goes :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I would of tried to use that EAP stuff when i first started working there if i knew it existed as sounds quite good but good thing to keep in mind anyway. 
    Im pretty sure samaratians was ignoring me tho as they usualy reply within texts - 2 hours but they was taking like a day so i put again and they replied within 2 hours. I dk if parniod but im sure they hate me and think i am disgusting so i feel bad for using and should stop. 


    Thank you Aife

    but kinda dreading going therapy today. There should be new people who couldnt make it to first week and i dont really feel like talking much & i hate it when is quiet and my stomach makes noises lolll. &i don’t know why does but embarrassing when does and  That makes me twice as anxious. Maybe will help if i eat before i leave house today tho for some energy aswell🙃
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Also really tempted to just not go to recover college tomorrow. Although i dont think ive never not gone to any that was from the nhs as i usually feel really bad i could waste their time and that over powers the anxious feelig most times. But i really just dont want to go to recovery college. I did make a friend there and should be texting her tomorrow to meet her at bus but that is making me twice as anxious to go. :’( and have to make convo for two bus rides and scared of being judged and all sorts. Too anxious to go to the anxiety and panic corse lol how ironic

    i cant handle life at all. And i will never have friends. Just dont see point anymore 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I cant sleep cause i am just too anxious. 

    I really enjoyed group therapy tho and realise they obviously do talk about BPD. And we was talking about how the characteristic of BPD can make goal setting hard. And talking about social interactions and how some people with bpd can make friends quickly but hard to keep long term and hopefully find ways to help with lonlinesses and getting more into social stuff also occupying time and i feel so hopeful in the seasions and i feel i can speak- tho sometimes really hard as its not like we go round the table speakin in turns- we have to willingly speak which makes twice as hard - if makes sense. 

    But i cant sleep beause i am meant to be going to recovery college tomorrow and i just dont think i can. I made a friend last week - suprisingly in just 2 hours & got her number- ive told her im going and that will be meeting her at bus stop. But i did her i dont really wanna go cause anxious and she was lovely But im just too anxious as will have to make convo with her as takes about an 1hour with buses & im just stressed eventho she is lovely & really think i will just say i dont wanna go. Which is a shame & would feel really bad. But group therapy and then recovery college the day after is kind of too much for me- as pathetic as sounds. 

    Will always be alone at this rate and dont see any hope
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Omg i feel awful. I just texted her to say i really dont think i can go but hopes she finds it useful.

     But ive literally had like two hours sleep aswell

    such a failure & a waste :( 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I want to die soo bad
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I keep feeling like i have 10 heart beats eeverywhere. What is wrong with me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    PLEASE. NO ONE REPLY TO ME. No matter how much i seem like an attention seeker. I wouldnt waste your time. I am equalivent to a piece of shit :)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Veryyyy triggereddd. 

    Someone on my instagram just messaged me. But he was someone who used to nickname me as “Horny Shaunie”

    (Shaunie isnt even my real name - is a nickname).  Anyway for some reason i literally have no idea about why he would say it but it made out like i was a slut when like i have no idea why.  It was some kind of joke & dont think meant harm. Wasnt really funny.  But what i can remember was in one lesson we was talking about rape & the stastics and something about that the amount could mean someone in the class could be raped & when found that out everyone looked at me and it was the most sickest thing ive ever experienced. But they was completely right. Is clearly my fault if even people pressaure i will be raped. Clearly caus give off the vibe “im a shy person but dont mind if you rape me cause i am no one”

    anyway i dont dislike the person who would call me it as i didnt see it as bullying but triggered to thinking about in school about that class for some reason. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    Hey @Shaunie

    That sounds really hard to cope with. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have people throwing glances at you when talking about rape. It just sounds really horrible. 

    Clearly caus give off the vibe “im a shy person but dont mind if you rape me cause i am no one”
    You shouldn't have to feel that way, ever. And I'm so sorry that you feel so bad about it. Do you mind me describing it as feeling vulnerable? 

    No one should think that about you. You are your own person and people should respect that. Unfortunately sometimes that isn't always what this society is like. 

    I don't get that vibe from you though. When I look at your name I think about how much you've struggled, and yet here you are, still fighting your emotions and trying not to let them get the best of you. I don't see a vulnerable person, I see a strong, courageous person who's taking steps to try to heal every day. 

    If you don't mind, I want to suggest a song to you. It's called Avalanche, by Bring me The Horizon. I think you'll relate to it quite a bit in this situation. 

    Stay strong Shaunie. I believe in you. You're a good person :)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2018
    Edit - Deleted

    thanks labrabell
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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