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Self harm
Former Member
Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
TW Self harm
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Started self harming again😢 it began lastnight when I wanted to see myself harming and wanted to feel in control of something in my liffee. I did it and I felt excited. I did it again this morning and planning on doing it again before I go to bed. Yup, think I am addicted to the adrenaline rush. Distractions dont work because I like to see the injury. Oh gawd😖 how am I gona stop??!
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Started self harming again😢 it began lastnight when I wanted to see myself harming and wanted to feel in control of something in my liffee. I did it and I felt excited. I did it again this morning and planning on doing it again before I go to bed. Yup, think I am addicted to the adrenaline rush. Distractions dont work because I like to see the injury. Oh gawd😖 how am I gona stop??!
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you are self harming again. Thank you for taking the brave step of sharing your feelings about this here. From what you've said, it sounds as though you have experienced this before and that on this occasion, you felt the need to be in control of something. Can you share more about what may have triggered these feelings? If you're unsure or don't feel ready to share, it might be helpful to consider what you've done in the past to stop. Is there a friend that you can spend time with or a family member that you can confide in?
Mochan
You've mentioned exploring with counsellors in the past. Would you feel comfortable approaching your GP for support? If don't feel as though you can talk to your GP, have you considered CAMHS: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/mental-health-treatments/a-guide-to-camhs-22732.html. If you're at school, you may be able to ask a school nurse or teacher to make an appointment, if you prefer.
Sounds like a really hard situation to be in. How are you feeling at the moment?
Do you think you could ask the male worker if he could have an appointment with you/ Do you think this would help? I hope things begin to improve for you soon and you get a cpn which you are able to work 1-2-1 with to be able to improve things.
Rayofhope:rainbow:
Pffft god knows how I am feeling tbh Rayofhope, too much going on. I made a mess up and need advice what to do..I live in supported accomodation so have a support worker but I feel really bad for saying this (as she has buried her sister today) but she isnt supporting me efficently, no-body is so I went to Mind and I have now been allocated a support worker from them (but they dont know I already have one) I met my allocated support worker from Mind today she came with another lady today (she said for the first 28days or something they have to come in pairs) but they asked for the landlords number (if they speak to the landlord they might find out that I already have a support worker). So I just dont know what to do😭 I shouldnt of got back in touch with them😖 shall I just tell them I want to withdraw my support because I dont like Minds agreements? I had to give my mums details and I really dont like that. They said in there own words if end my life they need to speak to the landlord. I lied to them too they asked when I self harmed I said a week ago but it is actually today (I self harmed again this morning).
Tbh I think CAMHS are bluffing, I dont think I will be assigned a female cpn, I think they are just seeing if I can go without one. If what they are saying is true it will only be 1 more week now til this female should start because they told me a week ago that it will be 2 weeks til she starts so it has already been a week. I dont really know if it would help seeing the male cpn now😕 I guess (well I dont know, maybe they wont) but if they knew I was self harming again they would want to see me. I dont know. I dont know if I was to tell my supported accomodation support worker on Monday I have been harming again (or would that be selfish of me of me because she has attended a funeral today?) if she would contact them to tell them maybe that might get me an appointment😕 I dont know. She probably wouldnt contact my CAMHS because when I have harmed before she hasent because I guess I would of known about it if she had so she wont this time so I guess it wont get me a sooner appointment. So that was just all pointless what I wrote😂
Anyway I have spoke with my support worker this morning too and told her I have been self-harming again since Wednesday, she said she was glad I told her and I said to her I need to be receving more support than what I am because CAMHS have basically just abandonded me so what she said is at my gp surgery theres a adult mental health hub (I'm not with them atm) I'm with CAMHS (they go up to the age of 25 here) I know people look at me wierd sometimes because I am with CAMHS, some CAMHS only go up to 18. but she said she is going to ring the adult mental health hub at my surgery on Thursday and get me an appointment with them instead and she said she will make sure I see someone weekly, she promised. I'm not entiely sure why she is going down this route, she could of just said I will phone up your CAMHS instead, maybe its because she knows of the poor service CAMHS have provided, so just referring me to the adult mental health team at my surgery instead. I am not sure if she will (because she is a bit useless) but lets see if she follows through with her promise on Thursday.
Talking about another thing Midnight was tough not only do I hate Monday nights myself find them very difficult but one of the ladies here in the shared house was mentally unwell, she was not with it at all. Very confused and disoriantated and hallucinating. She said her voices were telling her to end her life and I can 100% feel for her because my voices say things like that to me too. None of us knew what to do here in the house, all of us have mental health ourselves..so I phoned 111 and they sent an ambulance out for her they took her in the ambulance which didnt turn up til 2am I think they just took her to a place of safety because the voices were telling her to end her life so I never got to sleep til 3am. I collapsed myself when I was looking outside for the ambulance, there are numerous possible reasons I collapsed. The girl came back this morning and she is fine. Anyway getting to the point my housing support worker said to me just after midnight lastnight when I got through to her just after I phoned 111 that I shouldnt have phoned 111 because my housing support worker said "this is just the girls illness" I was like yeah but this is a mental health crisis. She said I just panicked because I havent seen anyone like that before wtf she only known me a year she dosent know what I have seen before, I have seen what this girl was like in someone else thats why I knew calling 111 was the right thing but I felt really horrible after my housing support worker said that to me after all I was doing was helping! Anyway my housing support worker kind of appologised this morning "when we had our little chat" saying that she shouldnt have told me I shouldnt of called 111 and then she was like yeah you did the right thing. An ambulance wouldnt of come out otherwise and its because she had a plan and if you have a plan they will be more concerned. My supported housing support worker just made me doubt what I believed was the right thing, contradicting me, she thinks I havent seen anything in my life, like I am stupid. I have seen and dealt with a lot of people with mental health illness.
It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time at the moment, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry to hear about your support worker in your supported accommodation. You mentioned she isn't supporting you efficiently, would you be able to tell us a bit more about this and what type of support you would find helpful?
It's a great step you've made to reach out to Mind, how are you finding their support at the moment? It sounds like you're feeling a bit worried about already having a support worker. Is there someone else at Mind you could reach out to anonymously and ask if it's okay to use their service if you already have a support worker? They might be able to give you a bit more information about your situation and offer you some reassurance.
It sounds like the other night was really tough, it can be difficult when someone makes us doubt whether we've done the right thing. It sounds like you made the right call there and that's reassuring to hear that the girl is doing okay.
That's good to hear about the adult mental health hub at your GP surgery. Let us know how the phone call goes on Thursday.
All the best,
- Aife
Mind-I am finding Mind support crap too tbh..I was re-assesed by them on the 5th of October (because I was assesed by them last year) but they didnt get in touch with me untill this year so had to be re-assesed. I was allocated a worker from them beginning of last week, so that was another 6weeks from the assesment to be allocated a worker, my allocated worker came round Friday last week to meet me with another lady because "they have to come in pairs for the first 28days or something" but they were so disorganised, my allocated worker had a little computer but it had died, surely you should make sure work computers are charged before you start work?! They had forgotten paperwork and all sorts +It's harder talking to two people + my allocated worker seemed nicer than the other worker she had to bring. So I couldnt open up. That is a good idea about calling them up annonoymously and asking if a service user can have a support worker with Mind and have another support worker, however, I have severe phone anxiety and no-one else can phone for me. I just need to text my allocated worker from them and tell her I have decided to withdraw my support from them but then she will probs ring me..which I dont really want but I'm gona have to. Its not gona work having 2 support workers they are gona be crossing wires and get confusing. This was a really bad idea of mine.
I doubt my housing support worker will phone up the adult mental health hub tomorrow like she promised as I said in the first paragraph and before, she is useless and it takes ages for her to do things she says she will. She promised yesterday though to phone up the adult mental health hub tomorrow so we will see + she was meant to help me clean my room a couple of weeks ago but she never because of her sister dying so she said we will do that tomorrow this morning so I wonder if we will be or not lol. We will see..
I just wanted to check in and ask how the phone call to the adult mental health hub went today? You mentioned that your housing support worker would call them up today. I hope everything worked out for you.
It sounds like a tough situation at the moment with Mind. I'm sorry to hear how long it took for them to get in touch with you. It sounds like you don't want to withdraw their support at the moment, did you end up sending that text to them? If you still wanted to reach out to them and ask about having two support workers, I found an email address and number to text. You can text them on 86463 or email them at info@mind.org.uk. Hopefully they'll be able to offer you some reassurance or direct you to some of their other support services if it's not okay.
I'm sorry to hear about your supported accommodation support worker, I hope things do get better and that you manage to find the support that you're looking for.
All the best,
- Aife
It is a very difficult situation with Mind. I just should of never got back in touch with them. I have just emailed them but it says they might not respond for up to 5working days and that leaves me not knowing what to do about my second appointment with them tomorrow...!! No I didnt send that text because it fell to late lastnight and I dont want to send it in the daytime so the time I would like to send it is about now. I just think this will be an easier way to kind of get rid of them. I feel like telling them that I already have a support worker is it okay if I have you too is like I have lied and I feel naughty lol, I couldnt tell them that face2face anyway. + I didnt think this through at all having 2 support workers, they would just be dreading on eachothers toes. I just dont think it would work. I HAVE JUST SENT IT 😐 writting it out on here makes it more clear for me that sending the text was right thing to do. I just hope they dont ring me now but they probably will wont they.. its just to a bigger secret to keep. I hope by sending that text they wont come tomorrow either.
Anyway, I have emailed PALS just too because the service CAMHS have provided is disgusting too. I had a female cpn she left, I had another female cpn she was rude so I complained just to the manager so got given a male worker but I cant work face2face 121 with a male worker and apparently they have no other female workers but "one is starting in a couple of weeks" but they said this now like 4weeks ago and the male worker hasent offered me an appointment and he is meant to be my cpn until this female worker starts. I havent seen anyone for 8weeks now apart from my med review 4weeks ago and because I havent seen anyone for 8weeks so left to deal with my dark thoughts on my own as my orginal post said I started self-harming again Wednesday, they've left me for to long. This is why my supported housing support worker said we will just refer you to the adult mental health hub but if she isnt going to do this either I still need to keep fighting with CAMHS. So along with sending an email to PALS I have also phoned up CAMHS to speak to the male worker who is meant to be caring for me (so I have been proactive today) to ask him if theres any updates for when this female is starting but he was out on visits so I have passed on a message for him to call me back...he was out on visits so why hasent he visited me?!
I am sorry to here that your housing support worker hasn't phoned the adult mental health hub, has there been any progress on this since yesterday?
How you feeling now after sending the text? Its great that you decided that it was the right thing to do and I hope that things begin to improve with your current support worker and you start to get the support which you need.
Did you have any reply from the email which you have sent? Well done for getting in touch with them to try and work out how to improve things.
How you doing?
Rayofhope:rainbow:
I was just coming on to write aswell but then I made crumpets for the ladies (I live in a shared house with 5 ladies and me). I am nice and look after them all see evan when I feel shiiiit. One of the ladies is unwell atm and she just talks and talks and talks though and she has given me a headache😔
No my housing support worker hasent rang up the adult mental health hub up today either. I wish I never confided in her now and told her I have started self-harming again😕 so again I am pissed off with her because she hasent done what she promised. I couldnt stand being down here this morning just chatting. It gets to a point where you just get fedup of pretending everything is okay when It is clearly not. So I came up to my room and cried so I didnt see my housing support worker when she left this morning but then because I didnt come back down she messaged me asking if I was okay (she knowing I am currently self-harming I dont know if she thought I came up to do something more serious).
After sending the text to my support worker at Mind I guess you are asking. I felt scared to look at my phone at the reply! But her reply was fine. I have withdrawn my support from them now so they didnt come out today (that was what I was hoping) so that is all sorted now. I couldnt of carried having 2 support workers and them not knowing I have 2. So I can stop worrying about that now!
I dont know what I am going to do about my housing support worker, maybe its just best to carry on calling her that. Maybe I am just going to have to just have her the way she is because I am fedup or trying alternatives and getting into trouble for it.
An email reply from Mind or PALS? no, from either but I can just ignore the reply when I get it from Mind now.
CAMHS man that is meant to be my cpn until this female cpn starts phoned me back though (after I called them yesterday^). He said something about calling me Monday but I didnt catch what, I dont understand what he says but I was on the phone with him for 30seconds he didnt ask how I am or anything lile that. So that is a crap service!
How am I doing, well I duno😕
Really glad to hear your text to Mind ended up paying off - must be a relief after that worry huh?
I hope being able to talk things out here is helping, I know it can be quite therapeutic to just let things out in a safe space like this. It's clear that you're really trying hard to get yourself the right support which is commendable, so well done. Can be tough to find the energy for these things when you're not in good shape mental-health wise (especially talkative housemates - I really feel your pain on this one!).
I have to say I'm not familiar with how it works having a CPN, but it sucks to hear that the guy was a bit 'short' with you. I guess that can't feel good when you think about seeing him in future! Do you know what the next steps will be now? And how are you feeling more generally?
You're doing great. Keep safe *hug*
Yeah but I live in a supported house where our support worker comes in Mon-Fri where all 6 of us has mental health needs. This girl is talking and talking and talking because she is unwell (mumberling and talking about strange things). Our support worker made her a drs appointment but because she is confused she went to the wrong place. She just come downstairs with her eyes closed talking but I couldnt understand a word she was saying. She was shivering so much I wrapped her up in a blanket on the settee and now she is snoring her head off. She is shaking so much she was just holding a cup and it just smashed on the floor On Monday. She is just unwell.
Well the the 2second phonecall I did have with this male CPN who is meant to be supporting me evan though I didnt understand what about I heard him saying something about calling me back Monday so I will wait for that call.
I have my PIP consulsation at home On Monday morning too. I am so nervous!
I phoned the supported accomodations office yesterday to complain about our support worker again. They said someone would phone me back and they never so I have just phoned again and the person that I just spoke with said someone else is dealing with it so she said she will get him to phone me. I hate phonecalls and evan more so talking to a male!😩
While I was on the toilet not long ago I heard our support worker shouting to another resident here saying she is sick of liars here (who lies!) and that all she is gona do now is cook, clean and give out meds (Thats all she does anyway!). I went down after I finished on the toilet and she was abrupt and rude so I figured out that she knows I have complained again. I also walked in on her calling my CAMHS and then she told me that she called them last week to tell them I have started harming again, I am so angry why has she just told me about this?! Because of the way she has done this I wont be going to see them now if/when they do finally offer me an appointment because I came to the conclusion myself that I wasent going to tell them that I am harming. I heard her asking for my old cpn but they told my support worker to call back tomorrow. She promised me not to tell anyone I am harming again if I showed her. Well I wont fucking telling her I am still harming. This isnt what she said she was going to do either she promised that she would phone up the adult mental health team up instead near enough 2weeks ago she said this to get me an appointment with them instead and to make sure I see someone once a week and when I spoke to her I actually believed she was going to do this. She said she was so glad I showed her and told her. She has betrayed me.
I told her I was going to sit in the lounge but I have come up to my room. I hope she dosent come up because I really dont want to speak to her right now. Infact I might just go and sit on the toilet so I can hear what she is talking about. Incase she is talking about me.
I wana self harm so much. I am in tears and now I cant trust my support worker either!
Fffff she has asked me to come downstairs😖oh it was just to get my meds. She "actually" seemed a little bit cheerer now than a short while ago and "made conversation with me" just but now its like pretend and I cant just do that. Theres issues that need sorted out I dont want to air them with her today and she still betrayed me does she just think I am gona be alright about that?!😕
I will probably wait til after Tuesday once I have gone to view it and If I like it, if I will be moving. I will then tell my mum. My mum thinks theres a problem with me because I cant stay in one home but I am true beliver if something isnt right you got to do something about it and I have had problems with the support worker here since basically I moved in here a year ago so I guess I need to move.
It is stressing me out just thinking about packing all my stuff again and bringing it all down, the move and then unpacking it all in what would be my new room. Before, I have left all my stuff but I think they would make me move all my stuff here and again there was no understanding from my mum why I would leave all my stuff.
Everything is crashing down around me.
How are you feeling now? It sounds like your upset and are unsupported which isn't good so I hope things begin to improve for you. I am sorry for the treatment which the manager and support worker have given you having a go at you doesn't sound like it is supportive at all.
Its great that you are looking at the positives of moving out of the supported accommodation which you are currently in as you have had problems since you have moved in and there isn't any point in not doing anything if you don't like something which you could possibly change. You also mentioned that you didn't want to move out because you have moved around a lot and it sounds like you have built up a friendship with the others. Do you think this is true?
Are there any other things which you might be able to try so that you are able to stay in the same place? Packing and then having to unpack can be very stressful is there anyone which is able to help you if you do have to pack and move out.
I hope everything begins to get better over the weekend and next week. We are here for you.
Have you got anything nice planned for the weekend?
Rayofhope:rainbow:
Yep, deffinetly feel upsupported by all the people that should be supporting me and not just here by the manager and the support worker, CAMHS too. I have never been spoken by a manager the way he spoke to me this morning and just seemed totally disinterested in what I was saying ignoring my complaints about the support worker. I was honestly left so upset by the pair of them, shaking. I trashed my room and self-harmed again.
I dont know, if I have built "friendships" with the ladies here, I have just cared for them and they have in there funny ways cared for me too. They was saying earlier that if I am going to move a couple of them would get a taxi to see me and I would do the same. I dont know if they would follow through with this though.
Luckily, someone else from the office is taking me to view this other property Tuesday morning so I will have a word with her aswell and see if there is any other way I could stay here in this house but see another support worker through them. The manager could of just said no to me this morning when I asked him this because he dosent like me for whatever reasons.
I'm off to my mums tomorrow daytime then going to a Christmas light switch on and for a meal with some of my family tomorrow night. Just stopping at my mums for 1 night so I will be back some point Sunday but we need to cram a lot off stuff in because I want to go and see my Auntie Laurens tree at the cemetry as I think my Uncle and her son and daughter have put a little Christmas tree on her plot so I want to see it and we are also putting up my mums Christmas tree as the next time I am down at my mums will be Christmas eve eve or Christmas eve and I always help her put her tree up.
I have had a shower and washed my hair today though. I havent had a shower for like 3weeks. So thats something evan though I harmed. I am clean for going down to my mums tomorrow at least that will keep her happy. She dosent like it when I dont shower and keep my hair clean.
I dont know how I go forward from here evan if I do move until the move my support worker will still be here mon-fri 8am-12midday (ish) am I just going to feel like I have to hide myself*from her each morning? Because I have nothing to say to her, I hate spending my time with her now. She didnt seem intetested this morning to sort it out with me so I am not with her. She was not honest with me about the information she has passed on about me (she told me if I showed her my cuts she wouldnt have to tell anyone and she still did) I feel stupid for falling for it and showing her, I wont be showing anyone any self harm marks again so she betrayed me which obviously is making me upset so I can no longer trust her either. These are all reasons aswell why I can no longer stay in this house because of the support worker. I feel like I am being pushed out of this house fs when I dont evan want to move out/dont think a move will do any good for my mental health and wellbeing😠
Really well done for this though. ^ It can really be the small things that show our strength. When we're feeling so mentally rubbish, brushing our hair, cleaning our teeth, showering, etc. can all become genuienly difficult things. I don't know how much it took for you, but well done for finding the energy and motivation. :yes:
Keep us updated on your housing situation. It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place at the mo - not really wanting to move house (16 times is impressive btw!) but also wanting a support worker that's right for you. It's good to see you using the boards to talk things out though, and hopefully we can help make the process a bit less difficult.
Have a wonderful time at your mums, enjoy the Christmas lights and keep us posted on how things go.
*hug*
Firstly, when we had the meal My mum was saying theres this game going around on facebook for Men where they do the sign okay you know like this 👌 my mum said they do it below there waist then my sister said what are they saying okay for, are they saying its okay to rape me and I was like wtf now all of you that know me know me on here know that I was raped in 2015 and my sister is one of my family members that knows this too!! I tried not to burst into tears because we was with 1 family member (my Uncle) that dosent know what happened to me and I didnt want to make it obvious like if had of cried after my sister saying the word rape he would probably put 2 and 2 together and I didnt want that. So didnt get back to my mums until Midnight. I am emotional because of what is happening at my home too and other things. I was then a misery to have a night out with, maybe I shouldnt of come down this weekend to my mums. All I wanted to do is come back but it would of cost me a lot in a taxi (+ being by myself late) so I stayed with my family but it just kind of sets my mind straight how much I hate spending time with my family. None of them have ever been raped so do not have an ounce of understanding why I dont like being in pubs with drunk men and why I cant have a relationship ect.
My family got a bit drunk so we all got upset about my Auntie too. My sister was saying my Uncle was getting upset so my mum walked him home and she told us my Uncle told her that he gets upset because there are times like this where my Auntie should be here for them to walk home together and we was then talking about it and saying we are all getting upset because we just keep going longer and longer without seeing her. My grandma was then saying it shouldnt be daughters before mums. I didnt get chance to see my Aunties tree at the cemetry but my cousion put a pic on facebook and my mum has sent me that they have put a little tree on her plot. I think we all going to go Christmas eve or Christmas day to my Aunties tree.
I have just got back home. I feel so drained and tierd. I feel like going straight to my room because I need to cry but I collapsed on the settee. I got the train with my mum and my sister from my mums town to my town because then we looked around my town and then I got a bus back from my town to home but I kind of wanted to just go and sit somewhere dangerous and act on my suicidal thoughts but I made it straight home. I didnt get chance to tell my mum that I might be moving again so I will have to tell her in the week if this is what is going to be happening.
I have to face my support worker in the morning😩 well most probably anyway and I still havent got anything to say to her so I am really scared as I dont know how the morning is going to go! I dont want to face her at all but she might ask me to come down I am really nervous! Its just going to be to awkward now between us😐 I dont know what to do.
It sounds like you have been struggling a bit recently, but it's great to see that you've been thinking more and more positively over the days! It's a shame you feel like you can't speak to your social worker much any more, but if you do think you need someone to talk to we are always here for you! If you want there are places you can contact anonymously if you feel like you would like some more professional guidance! Hope you have a better day and hope the moving process isn't too stressful!
Links:
https://www.samaritans.org/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
Have a great day!
Drea