Relapsing and lower than ever...

Former Member

It's been a while... this place was so different when I joined... but anyway...

I'm in a really bad place guys.. this is a bit of a rant and a plea for help...

Last night I froze... I thought about my life, how it is now, what the future looks like and how it used to be..

So my life now:
I'm currently stuck on crutches due to the NHS misreading my MRI scan on my knee! Which turns out I now need an operation... being on crutches means that I am missing out on loads, I find it really tiring and painful, it's like I've lost some of my freedom... I don't even care about anything in life atm... even talking to my boyfriend is hard, moving my tongue is too much effort... I'm failing in college, I can sit for hours on end staring at the same point on the floor and feel nothing... my life's. .. dissappearing.

Yesterday when I froze I had a thought, about what and who I've lost over the past year... it all seems like self pity but it's not its just realisation that everything in my life has changed.

I look to the future and see that I have a very small friend Base, of people who don't actually care for me...
I have family who seem blind to the depth of my depression regardless of how much deeper o fall....

I can't even self harm anymore, because I know how much it upsets my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him any more than I do daily.

I just... want to give up and every time I try to get help I fail or get shot down...

Aoife

Hi Flow,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It is really great that you are using this forum to post about what you are going through. I hope everything with your knee is ok. This is really challenging and I can understand how some of your freedom has been taken away. How long will you be on crutches for?

You said that you feel like giving up and when you try to get help you feel like you fail. It does sound like you are going through a really difficult time. We are here to support you on this forum, and if you want to seek further support, some people find the Samaritans useful in talking through many things and offering advice.

It’s great that you are talking here, so feel free to keep posting as much as you’d like to.

Former Member

Thanks for the reply,
Not sure, basically until my knee is strong enough again.
Had another blow, my boyfriend was supposed to be coming up to mine this weekend while my family were camping but yesterday he had a phone call to advise him not to due to confusing circumstances so now I have to go camping tonight and wait another 2 weeks till I go to his.
Really annoyed and upset...

Upside- Im working next Saturday 11am -7pm so I will have money.

JustV

Flow wrote: »

Thanks for the reply,
Not sure, basically until my knee is strong enough again.
Had another blow, my boyfriend was supposed to be coming up to mine this weekend while my family were camping but yesterday he had a phone call to advise him not to due to confusing circumstances so now I have to go camping tonight and wait another 2 weeks till I go to his.
Really annoyed and upset...

Upside- Im working next Saturday 11am -7pm so I will have money.

Hey Flow,

Eesh, it really doesn't sound like you can catch a break. How are you doing at the moment? *hug*

It can be uber frustrating to have something you're looking forward to suddenly taken away like that, particularly on top of everything else you're dealing with (the knee sounds painful and inconvenient, by the way!). How are you feeling about going camping?

Also, yay for having money.

Former Member

Hey Flow, it's good to hear from you although I'm sorry it's because you're struggling right now. I just wanted to check in and say hey and send you a hug *hug*

Being on crutches is exhausting I imagine too and may well be having a bigger impact on your mental heath and sense of wellbeing than you realise, not only does it stop you from doing things but being restricted like that can leave us feeling sad, annoyed and fed up and absolutely it's a huge part of your freedom that's been taken away so do go ahead and vent here if you need to :yes: when we're feeling depleted and low about one thing, those feelings can sometimes trickle out into our thoughts about other things too and I wonder if that might be happening? Is there anything that's helped bring you out of a mood like this before?

It sounds like you're at a point in life where you're really taking stock of where you're at and how things are in your world. You talked about freezing and that sounds really powerful, like everything stopped for a moment. Where were you when this happened?

You mention friends and family falling short in terms of what you want and need from them which is a real shame. I wonder if they know how you feel or if you've been able to get any support for your depression? Do you have people you can talk to or let of steam with when things get tough? Trying to keep it all in can be really painful inside.

I hope you have a good time when you do get to see our boyfriend and maybe the change of scene going camping will help you? Is it something you enjoy?

Former Member

Hey Flow.

Just wanted to send you *hug*s

We are here for you. Sorry your struggling at the minute.