Men's only chat: Downtime

Former Member

Hey :wave:,

We've recently started running men only live chats here on TheSite every other Tuesday from 8pm-9.30pm, every other week we focus on a different theme or topic and encourage young men to attend the chat and discuss it in a shared, supportive and safe space.

Our next young men's chats are on the following days...

Tuesday 11th August (8pm-9.30pm) - We'll be talking about relationships
Tuesday 25th August (8pm-9.30pm) - Bring your own discussion, talk about whatever topic you like!

You can attend these chats by visiting our Live Chat page on the date and time appropriate and click to enter the chat. You'll be welcomed by male moderators and other male members of the community. You can come along to get things off your chest, get advice or support, just have a chat and talk about anything at all.

If you can't attend these bi-weekly chats, you can come along to our regular chats every Sunday-Thursday in a mixed-gender environment, again you can access these chats from our 'Live Chat' page.

We'd love to see you there!

Former Member

We've had some pretty interesting chats over the last couple of weeks and it would be great to have some of your thoughts on what we've discussed, particularly those that weren't able to attend the chats themselves.

Some of the discussions that came up were about...

- What is a "man" thing? I'd recently had some trouble putting up a blind, is this something I should be able to do as a man? What about not drinking a beer or ANY alcoholic drink? Why are these things man things?

- We'd also talked about times when you've felt confident and what it was that made you feel that way? Let's hear more!

You can use this thread in-between chats if you can't attend the chats yourself or to get thoughts and advice about anything you might be thinking about or want to hear about from other guys.

Former Member

Really glad to see this thread; I can never make these chats because they clash with my work hours. :banghead:

Andy wrote: »

- What is a "man" thing? I'd recently had some trouble putting up a blind, is this something I should be able to do as a man? What about not drinking a beer or ANY alcoholic drink? Why are these things man things?

Do not get me started on 'man things'. I was out for a drink with some family recently and I've got a bit of a taste for white wine spritzers. After ordering it, I immediately got looks from a few people but more so from my auntie's new fella. With the look he gave me you'd think I'd just dribbled down my shirt or something. This was closely followed by "men don't drink spritzers", "wimps and lightweights drink lemonade", blah blah blah. To be honest I dislike the guy generally but this could have easily come from other people if he wasn't there to dish it out!

It's also worth noting that I catastrophically fail at most sports, any DIY and I do not eat meat. If any of 'the lads' could see this they'd probably tell me I have a vagina or something. Sigh, society.

Andy wrote: »

- We'd also talked about times when you've felt confident and what it was that made you feel that way? Let's hear more!

Sounds kinda lame, but when I'm groomed pretty well I tend to feel pretty confident. A nice beard trim etc, wearing something I'm comfortable in, and maybe in good company (though not essential). It also helps when I can communicate in the way I like (usually over a screen). Having a stutter, things I say are usually pretty warped from what is in my head because I use certain words I know I can say over words I know I can't. As well as tiring, this can get really frustrating on top of the actual stuttering itself so my confidence fluctuates a lot daily anyway.

Former Member

I love that you feel good when you're well groomed mike. I had a minor beard emergency yesterday, sorted it this morning and feel loads better for it!

You know what, I've done that "oh, you're not drinking?" thing before, which I know is bad form but it has been ingrained in me. Even though I couldn't care less!

Do you find that you increase your manly talk in front of more outwardly manly men?

Former Member

Would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about the beard crisis, Andy?

See now I think that's quite interesting. When you become so normalised to that sort of behavior, you don't think about it until something prompts you to (like this thread). But then you start noticing it more and more and realising how superficial and meaningless it all is because, like you said, when it comes down to it you couldn't care less; it really doesn't affect you.

In terms of increasing 'manly talk' (whatever that is )... I don't really know. I don't really hang around with many men, to be honest. I've never really fitted in with or felt comfortable around those sorts of groups. If I'm around those sorts of people I will usually just keep my head down unless someone pulls it out, haha. My social circle is mostly female but the male friends I do have are either quite effeminate or just not 'ladish' (lad culture drives me up the fucking wall). The height of manly talk is that about beards, women or games to be honest (and those conversations aren't exactly oozing with testosterone)!

Former Member

That's really interesting Petrichor.

Well, I was trying to fix up my beard and trim my tache but slipped and it looked quite wonky - then the battery on my trimmer was about to die so I couldn't do the rest. I felt very off the rest of the day!

We had our fourth young men's chat last night and discussed relationships - it seemed to be a hot topic!

Some of the questions that came out that I'd like to ask here are...

- Age gaps, how big of an age gap is too much?

- Social media and communicating online - if you don't see the person you are into but regularly converse online, how appropriate do you feel asking a girl out?

There were a few other things, but it would be great to hear your thoughts on the above.

Former Member

I've just come back from a few weeks off, so I'm catching up on what's happened here - it sounds like you had some interesting discussions.

With regards to age gaps, I think it changes a lot depending on your age. So, at 16, 2 years might be about as far as you'd want to go. Whereas if you're 35, then 10 years doesn't seem so bad if it's the right relationship.

I wonder if gender affects how we see age gaps - would you see these things as the same?:

• A 20 year old guy with a 16 year old girl
• A 20 year old girl with a 16 year old guy
• A 20 year old guy with a 16 year old guy

I think I'd be more surprised by the middle one - which seems a bit unfair?