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my dad

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Some of you may know i have massive problems with my dad. saying we don't get on is the understatement of the year. i hate him so much after what happened when they got divorced and everything.

Now my councellor says i should write a letter to him saying all of mny feelings, how he hurt me and everything. i don't want to do it. i hate him so much i wish i never had to see him again. this sounds really weird, but in a way i don't think i want to fix things, becuase that would involve being around him and letting him know about me and i just hate him so much i don't want to open myself up to him. i would rather just have nothign to do with him. thats a lot easier. What do u lot think? Sometimes i feel really ill just thinking about having to talk to him, and i think it would be easier to give up than trying to resolve the past.

I can't say how much he hurt me really, so to get an idea i'm going to post somethign i wrote in my live journal on fathers day:

I hate fathers day, its just a shitty celebration of how wonderful ur good old dad has been. Well what if he hasn’t been good? What if he’s just taken the piss out of you forever and hates you and doesn’t want anything to do with you. What if every time he talks to you he makes jokes and accusations at you until you end up feeling so shit about yourself you just want to die and end up holding back the tears until you can make up yet another pathetically unbelievable excuse to get away and cry by urself.

What if he loves your brother and hates you? What if you try to tell him ur feelings and end up being hurt even more? What if you feel like you have to give him a fathers day present and card anyway? So you get him a humorous card and presents that mean nothing and post them through the letter box so u don't have to see him face to face.

What if all this was because ur mother manipulated you into writing a letter to the custodial courts saying that you wanted to live with her and not that “bastard.”

What if you keep replaying every incident in your mind? How ur parents used to sleep with knives under their pillows and barricade their bedroom doors at night. How one night ur dad came down to the study where ur mum was sleeping and stabbed a kitchen knife through the door just to freak her out. What if you lived everyday wondering how long it would take for you or your mum to be killed in the night?

What if your so hysterical you think you’re going to throw up?

What if your worrying about what everyone thinks of you after they read this?

“Some day you will regret the way you treated me you little bitch.”

Well yes I am regretting it, but I don’t know what I did wrong.


should i write the letter to him?? i don't want to because i don't want anything to do with him and he'll probably just take this piss anyway but my councellor said i should. heeeelp! lol

There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Drifter,

    How about writing the letter and being as honest about your feelings as possible - but then not sending it? It might sound a bit weird, but it can really help just getting it down on paper and out of your head. It's perfectly OK not to send it if you're not feeling strong enough to challenge him yet.

    all the best
    Karla
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i could never understand what you r going through so i know what some of the things i might say will make u angrier but just keep in mind i am only trying to help coz I care.

    Drifter, by sending that letter will you acheive anything by doing it?? Do you want to get back on track with your father because i think if u send it it might make things worse. Obviously you're angry with him and you want him to know how much, you want him to hurt the way you do but by being spiteful isnt going to acheive it. Are you calm now or still angry??? If you're angry you need to do something that makes you calm before you make a decision what your next step. I have lost alot of important things to me because i said something or did something in a moment of anger and i was gutted when i realised afterwards what i had sacrificed. Although the desire to send the letter is strong i think Karla is right, perhaps its best to not send that one. Perhaps you could speak to someone close to you about what u want to say or maybe by toning down the letter a bit so it doesnt show so much anger, that way you get the point across but without causing upset. I'm sorry this is happening to you Drifter. A friend of mine fell out with her father, it was over something that was DEFINITLY his fault, they talk but she says it will never be the same coz he never thought to apologise. I doubt i've been any help but i can offer you my support. if you want to talk, i'm here and if u want to talk privately just say the word and i'll e-mail u. Good luck...
    Tinkabee.xxx.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Difter:
    What if you keep replaying every incident in your mind? How ur parents used to sleep with knives under their pillows and barricade their bedroom doors at night. How one night ur dad came down to the study where ur mum was sleeping and stabbed a kitchen knife through the door just to freak her out. What if you lived everyday wondering how long it would take for you or your mum to be killed in the night?

    Gods, that makes me angry.

    I've had problems with my father in the past (though nothing as bad as that) and so have several of my friends. All I can say is something rather Yoda-like: Don't hate him. I may be wrong, but I don't think you can change him with fire - and if you keep it to yourself it will burn you. Be water, would be my advice.

    I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful. I wish you the best.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps post him that LJ entry? Or something along those lines? If you set out to write something in letter form, I think you might find it difficult to really express what you want to say. That LJ entry made me feel terrible <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; when I read it a few days back, especially the paragraph MacKenZie quoted. Maybe you could try writing something along similar lines, just putting your thoughts down on paper as it were, check it over and send it (or, as Karla suggested, not send it - whichever!). It doesn't matter if he laughs at it or ignores it; it should help you. Which is probably why your counsellor is suggesting it.

    "I think it would be easier to give up than trying to resolve the past"

    Read that line over again. What do you really think about that? how many times have you seen Calvin, amadee, wildchild (advice goddesses <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt; ) advise exactly against doing that? how many times have you yourself done so?

    The past shapes the future, and trying to sort things out with your dad - you don't have to see him if you don't want to - might just be the thing that sets you on the right course. An opportunity. Have you anything to lose by trying?

    keep us updated, and good luck <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    This is the first day of the rest of your life.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can completely sympathise with you on this one. My relationship with my dad is rocky and weird, and pretty awful. He has no idea how much he's hurt me, I don't think he ever will fully know. I wrote a letter to him that I never sent ( http://www.echoing.org/~a/mememe/dearxapril.html ) and a poem that I never showed him ( http://www.echoing.org/~a/3.html ) which helped me a lot just to get my feelings out. I think the journal entry you did is definitely a good thing to do. I encourage you to write more, even if you don't show him what you wrote.

    Now about the "is it worth it?" question. Personally, I think having some kind of relationship with your father is very much worth it. I don't think you can ever have a wonderful relationship with your father, just like I know I won't ever with mine. That doesn't mean you should push him out of your life, though. He's obviously done some shitty things to you and your family, and made you really mad, but how is hating him going to help? The truth is, it's not. You'll continue to feel bitter towards him and nothing positive will come out of it.

    I have a half sister and a half brother, from my dad's first marriage. My dad screwed them over when he divorced his first wife just like he screwed me over when he divorced my mum. My sister is very bitter and wants nothing to do with my dad. She complains about him and what he's done and hasn't done. Dad never calls her, he's never seen 2 of his three grandchildren, and the one he has seen he only saw once. They're not any part of eachothers lives at all. My brother, on the other hand, realized that by hating dad, in a way, he was letting him win. He's not letting dad get away with not calling or writing or caring. He's nice to dad, puts up with his quirks, and forces him to be a part of his life. Because of this, they've learned a lot of positive things from eachother. My brother and his wife are planning on having kids soon, and they'll know who their grandfather is, unlike my sister's kids. I think that it's worth it. Even though they don't have a brilliant relationship, and my brother has to put a lot of effort into it, he's still got something.

    I'm a bit more cynical than my brother, I'm probably somewhere in between the two, but I don't let on to my dad that I'm pissed at him (unlike my sister). It's hard to be around him and pretty uncomfortable but I'd feel even worse if he wasn't a part of my life at all.

    You have a choice. You're never going to get rid of your dad and the feelings that come along with him. You're either going to actively hate him and resent him or you're going to make an effort to be part of his life, and have good times and bad. Either way is less than ideal. But with one of them, you at least have the chance of something positive.

    Now, this takes lots of time. I think the best thing for you to do right now is to work through your feelings, and what he did. Write, talk, cry, scream... anything to get all the extreme emotions out. After that, you can decide what you think is best for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i cant say that my relationship wiv my dad is awful its just not much of a relationship!! i only c him about twice a month ( and he only lives down the road) and wen i do c him its like bein wiv a man not my dad!! so i can sorta sympathise!! u hav 2 tell ur dad how he's hurt u bcos lockin up feelins is no good!!
    just write or tell him
    good luck
    hip chic
    xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    drifter, all i can say is to do what you can so you don't live with too many regrets.

    think about all of this hard and ask urself:

    *will you regret not sending him this letter?

    i mean you do get the chance to finally let him know what he's done to you. there's power in getting those feelings off your chest.

    *will you regret never seeing him again?

    if you don't send the letter and never have contact with him again, can you live with the burden of carrying your hatred for him day in and day out with no where to direct it to?

    *will you regret not trying to reconcile with him.

    people do the stupidiest things... but can you live life with an estranged father for the next 30 years? or will you be happier to never see him again?

    whatever you do, you are the one that has to live with the decisions you make. so pick the one that is going to give you the least amount of regrets.

    good luck dear.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Karla:
    Hi Drifter,

    How about writing the letter and being as honest about your feelings as possible - but then not sending it? It might sound a bit weird, but it can really help just getting it down on paper and out of your head. It's perfectly OK not to send it if you're not feeling strong enough to challenge him yet.

    all the best
    Karla

    Thats exactly what I was gonna say except I was gonna ask if maybe thats what your counseller had meant in the first place. It does help...well ive heard it does anyway. Also it helps to write down everything that makes u angry to do with your dad and then tearing it up. I think all these things r worth a try.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for the support everyone <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; i will write it but i'm not going to send it, at least not yet. i still don't want to do it though <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;

    There's a girl in my mirror
    I wonder who she is
    Sometimes I think I know her
    Sometimes I really wish I did
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Drifter:
    thanks for the support everyone <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; i will write it but i'm not going to send it, at least not yet. i still don't want to do it though <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;


    Glad u r gonna give it a go...u will never get over your past problems or the way u feel now if u dont face it and look it in the eye....u r doing a very good thing but very difficult thing((((drifter))))
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