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Forever spoilt.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I met my friend in a pub that we both use frequently, and although saw each other there a few times, we swapped phone numbers to keep in touch. Recently we have been speaking most nights, and I think we have got quite close.
I consider him to be a good friend, and look forward to speaking to him at the end of my day.
However I think our friendship may of been spoilt by my own insecurities and issues.
We were having a normal conversation when he started to tell me about himself, his relationships and his experiences.
Initially I felt....honoured, (for want of a better, more fitting word) that he felt he could talk about these things with me, but in deep inside my pride was screaming out, terrified.
Terrified because I knew what was coming next.
There are some things that need to be replied to, need ratifying, when you open your heart to someone you need to hear them tell you their tale, to make sure you are normal.
And, so I knew the focus was going to be turned onto me.
He was suddenly so far above me, all the things he’d done, all the things he was doing, all the people he knew, he was raising up and I could feel myself sinking, sinking below him.
I couldn’t tell him how alone I am, how I can’t identify with his situation because I have never been in it, because I won’t allow myself to get into it. And I couldn’t tell him that I couldn’t tell him, because he had just told me.
This has happened to me before, once with another good male friend, who I avoided until I had lost him, and once with a guy who was close to becoming that first boyfriend that I am ashamed to never have had.

I made a lame excuse and hung up. And turned my phone off.
Later I went back and checked my messages. I guess I knew he would of left one.
In it he appeared confused by my reaction, but I fear that he isn’t really all that confused at all, that he had seen what I try to keep so well hidden from everyone, by appearing satisfied with my “independence”.

I phoned and left him a message.
It was one of those messages that should never be received.
Full of emotions that are best kept to yourself.
Like that comeback you’ve always wanted to use on a parent during a heated row, but know it is better left in your head.
One of the letters you write, but should never be posted.
Only I did post it, so to speak, and now whatever good save I may of been able to make is lost. If he didn’t already think I was some sort of introverted emotional cripple, he sure as hell does now.

And whilst romantic relationships may complete evade me, losing friends because they get a little too close is somewhere I have been too many times already.
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You seem insecure with the idea of having a relationship.

    You cannot think that everyone who has experienced more than you is above you. You have your own life experiences, an whatever they are I am sure he would love to hear them.

    Trust him. Open yourself up to him. Admit that you're scared of what might happen and he can help you overcome your fears.

    You appear to have low self esteem, there is no need for that! Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your reply BumbleBee, and whilst you are probably right, I don't want to dwell on it.

    What I'm worried about right now, is how to approach him.
    The message I left him, was reciprecated and now the ball is in my court.
    I need to make the next move, but I'm worried, and I guess embarassed. What am I going to say to him?

    I just want everything to go back to normal, but I don't think it can.
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