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Chilli Tasting Is Politics In Old Texas ~ Humor
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:
“Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK:
(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
<IMG alt="image" SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0">
“Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK:
(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
<IMG alt="image" SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0">
0
Comments
So pucker up and try these:
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all kinds of Lifesavers and asked them."What is the flavor, and what color is it?
The children began to say,"Red-cherry; yellow-lemon; lime-green;orange-orange."
Finally he gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers. The children sucked on them for awhile, but couldn't decipher the taste.
"Well." he said. "I'll give you a clue.It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled"Everybody spit it out,
They're assholes!" <IMG alt="image" SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0">
Oh come ON. Most of the time you're a nice enough guy, but sometimes you really get up my nose. We are not ignorant Brits. We eat well and we eat widely. You ever had a decent, proper curry? Vindaloo? Madras? Korma? Ring any bells Diesel.
Don't pre-emptively insult us. If someone asks what the hell chilli is, then fair enough. But don't jump the gun.
And yes, the original post was extremely funny.
I had steak & kidney pie once a very long time ago...and just couldn't get next to the flavor of pee in a meat pie...love lamb, mutton is a bit strong.
Believe it was the brits that brought chutney to the Western world...we love it.
But, do you eat chilli? I don't mean the ickey canned stuff...real chilli!
Diesel
88888888 <IMG alt="image" SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0">
I thought you were an Aussie living in Switzerland? <IMG alt="image" SRC="wink.gif" border="0">
And yes we have proper chilli over here. Chilli con carne et al.
Diesel
88888888 <IMG alt="image" SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0">
*waves his British passport around*
So nah.
And yes, I've eaten real chilli. Over here the opportunities to do so are limited, but when I get the chance I'll never say no. Not had the really hot chilli, but I've had some pretty hot stuff in my life.