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Self-Mutilation.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi
I've recently started slashing my skin as a way of releasing emotion. After reading the Depression/Self-Harm thread at the top of the page I thought I'd never purposely cut myself, and the thought of being covered in scars scares me. I know this just looks like another fucked up teenager crying out for attention, but when I cut myself, the rush I get when I do, makes me wanna do it again. I feel sort of calmer. I'm completely terrified I'll do it again, and I want it to stop now, I just dont see how.
I feel as if I've had to pretty much lean on myself all my life when it comes to dealing with problems, etc. Its not that my Mum doesnt try, she just sucks at giving advice and being there for me, because seeing me upset, upsets her (my Dad lives in Spain).
When I feel like dying I'm usually so overwhelmed by emotion that I just can't handle it. Sometimes I just feel numb. I'm ashamed to say that a few months ago, I tried commiting suicide for attention. This totally disgusts me now, as I now truely know what it feels like to want to die.
Usually when I'm depressed and feeling a bit suicidal, I dont act upon as its often just PMT...
I feel like I've been crying out for help for a while now, and no one's noticed. :( Iv now gotta try hiding my cuts, bruises and swelling from everyone cos i dont want everyone to know what a total freak and loser and most obviously am. :(
I wish I didn't feel like this as my life is actually wonderful, and I feel so low for wanting it to end, and I cant understand where these feelings come from!
Help.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dont feel bad, you are great.
    Why would you want to end life? The best help would maybe be to ask a counsellor this, go in privacy if u dont want others to find out like your mum, but dont let it go on, some day maybe your boyfriend could dump you and you could go too far and cut the wrong part of urself and die, now we wouldnt want that.
    Do u drink alot?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Shogun2002
    Dont feel bad, you are great.
    Why would you want to end life? The best help would maybe be to ask a counsellor this, go in privacy if u dont want others to find out like your mum, but dont let it go on, some day maybe your boyfriend could dump you and you could go too far and cut the wrong part of urself and die, now we wouldnt want that.
    Do u drink alot?

    I rarely drink, to be honest i prefer a smoke..:confused: The sadness I had earlier has sort of slipped a bit. I'm up and down like a yo-yo, it drives me mad!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I prefer a smoke as well, just teen years probably, but try not to take the cutting too serious, it could some day end you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know what u mean about being up and down like a yo-yo, do u find that u let others control ur life in the sense that u do stuff to pls other ppl cos i find that that is my main problem and hence a lot of the things i get myself into....

    u eva need to talk PM ne...i tend to be a good listener :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Vorni you really need to go and see your GP if you haven't already. You can't wait around for someone else to notice you need help, you need to make that decision yourself. You sound like you are ready to address your problems, but if you don't know what to say to your Gp write it down or print out this page and take it with you.

    Useful articles:
    What is depression

    Feeling suicidal

    Self harm

    This helpline is also supposed to be good:

    The Bristol Crisis Centre for Women
    They run local support groups for women who injure themselves, and also have a national self-harm helpline for women in distress.
    Telephone: 0117 925 1119, open Friday and Saturday evenings from 9pm to 12.30am
    www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW

    Take care of you
    and make that appointment

    Susie :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Self-Mutilation.
    Originally posted by vorni
    Hi
    I've recently started slashing my skin as a way of releasing emotion. After reading the Depression/Self-Harm thread at the top of the page I thought I'd never purposely cut myself, and the thought of being covered in scars scares me. I know this just looks like another fucked up teenager crying out for attention, but when I cut myself, the rush I get when I do, makes me wanna do it again. I feel sort of calmer. I'm completely terrified I'll do it again, and I want it to stop now, I just dont see how.
    I feel as if I've had to pretty much lean on myself all my life when it comes to dealing with problems, etc. Its not that my Mum doesnt try, she just sucks at giving advice and being there for me, because seeing me upset, upsets her (my Dad lives in Spain).
    When I feel like dying I'm usually so overwhelmed by emotion that I just can't handle it. Sometimes I just feel numb. I'm ashamed to say that a few months ago, I tried commiting suicide for attention. This totally disgusts me now, as I now truely know what it feels like to want to die.
    Usually when I'm depressed and feeling a bit suicidal, I dont act upon as its often just PMT...
    I feel like I've been crying out for help for a while now, and no one's noticed. :( Iv now gotta try hiding my cuts, bruises and swelling from everyone cos i dont want everyone to know what a total freak and loser and most obviously am. :(
    I wish I didn't feel like this as my life is actually wonderful, and I feel so low for wanting it to end, and I cant understand where these feelings come from!
    Help.



    First off, I know exactly how you feel because I have felt the same way. I had gone through self-mutilation a lot in my past. To the point where it was almost everyday.

    I have also had thought about suicide a lot in my past. I have my reasons why I did this, but I'm not going to go into detail. I have also tried attempting suicide, but not for attention, but because, at the times that I had tried it, I really did want to die because things were getting to unbearable to handle and I just wanted all the shit to stop, but now I'm glad that I didn't end my life.

    I am also working hard on controling my self-mutilation. It has been almost 6 months and 3 weeks since my last self-mutilation relapse. I had gone 9 1/2 months before without cutting, but then on December 3, 2002 I had cut because something happened a few days before that, that had triggered off my depression and had made things too hard for me to handle at that time.

    Well, enough about me already. I know that it's a hard thing to conquer and I am still working on it myself, but I know that you can pull through this and that, if you can get the best available help, that is out there, then you may be able to pull through this.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you try to battle through this and everything else that is bothering you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello, I'm 20 and I've been through self-mutilation so I might be able to tell you what it's like at the other end of the tunnel.

    When I was 15 to 17 I regularly cut my wrists with razors as a way of letting out all my pent up upset and anger. I felt that there was no-one to talk to and I felt very scared and alone.

    Last year (I'm at uni now) I finally had the breakdown (it was long overdue!!) and I was taken to a mental health hospital as an inpatient. I was put on prozac and took it extra-steady for a few months. The battle isn't over at all, but now I can see that things like cutting your wrists/eating disorders etc are really just an individual's way of coping and there is some deeprooted problem which you may or may not be aware of.

    Don't keep things to yourself - you might find that talking to a counsellor replaces the need to cut yourself as you already can channel your feelings through another outlet.
    Prozac in my opinion is a last resort but I am on a very low dosage and it helps my brain to deal with life!:)

    At 20, I may still have a long way to go but I'm left with a lot of raised, white ugly scars on my arms and the cutting I did never really achieved anything. So bypass the breakdown and see a professional, if you can :)

    It's not easy, but its a start, and you will have a lot of people to help you should you choose to tell people. You'd be suprised how many kind caring people are out there!:D

    Love Kits xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by KittyKat
    Hello, I'm 20 and I've been through self-mutilation so I might be able to tell you what it's like at the other end of the tunnel.

    When I was 15 to 17 I regularly cut my wrists with razors as a way of letting out all my pent up upset and anger. I felt that there was no-one to talk to and I felt very scared and alone.

    Last year (I'm at uni now) I finally had the breakdown (it was long overdue!!) and I was taken to a mental health hospital as an inpatient. I was put on prozac and took it extra-steady for a few months. The battle isn't over at all, but now I can see that things like cutting your wrists/eating disorders etc are really just an individual's way of coping and there is some deeprooted problem which you may or may not be aware of.

    Don't keep things to yourself - you might find that talking to a counsellor replaces the need to cut yourself as you already can channel your feelings through another outlet.
    Prozac in my opinion is a last resort but I am on a very low dosage and it helps my brain to deal with life!:)

    At 20, I may still have a long way to go but I'm left with a lot of raised, white ugly scars on my arms and the cutting I did never really achieved anything. So bypass the breakdown and see a professional, if you can :)

    It's not easy, but its a start, and you will have a lot of people to help you should you choose to tell people. You'd be suprised how many kind caring people are out there!:D

    Love Kits xxx



    I totally agree with you. I have been seeing counsellor for almost 2 years now and she is the best counsellor I had. I had 3 counsollors before the one that I am currently seeing and those 3 didn't help me at all. They only made me feel a lot worse about my mental illness, about life, about what I was doing to myself, etc., etc.

    I had been hospitalized, in mental hospitals, 4 times between the ages of 17-18, but the last time that I was in a mental hospital, it had opened up my eyes to a lot of new and better things and I am glad that I am still alive today and that I do not do self-mutilation quite as often as I used. It has pretty well ceased, except for a few relapses here and there when I am having a very, very stressful, sad, depressing, and upsetting day, but it has been quite a while since I had done any self-mutilation to myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you get over this and see the light and stop wishing you were dead... cutting yourself may seem a good thing at the time to release pressure but it really isn't...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Go see your doctor. I used to/do self-harm and I have never seen my doctor about. 18 months and 3 suicide attempts later i think i've kicked the habit.I've relapsed twice sicne then (2 and a half months ago) but at times i cut over 300 times in a few days s it's a vast improvement. The first step is to stop beating yourself up coz of it:) pm me if you ever wanna talk
    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont want to enable you, but if you NEED to hurt yourself because you are upset, try doing it in ways that wont leave marks or scars.

    personally ive always found doing things like holding ice cubes in the crook of my elbow painful enough to be releasing, but it doesnt actually leave you any marks. candles, if youre careful, do a smiliar thing. but the simplest thing is to get down to your GP, and get it sorted out asap. theyll be helpful, and if theyre not give them a slap from me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I did do self harm but i found that i got a tiny little release from doing them. Its like drugs- it only makes u feel better for a few seconds, then you want to do that more. Im not saying u should try to drugs cuz thats really bad too. But in therapy, (this is pretty lame and embarassing, so dont laugh) but gradually when i stopped cutting for a whole day, they took me out for ice cream. so it was like i got rewarded for being nice to myself. when i go to like day 40 of not doing self-harm, i didnt really want a reward cuz my reward was having my life. Life is soo precious, so i hold on to every memory i can. All those LONG days of not cutting myself, i found other ways to express what i was feeling. I wrote down what i was feeling then i usually ripped it up. But if i wasnt feeling safe, I TOLD SOMEONE. put someone else in ur situation, if they were cutting alot and not feeling safe alone, wouldnt u wanna know. Think of like a really good friend- you wouldnt want anything to happen to them, if they were feeling suicidal- wouldnt you want them to tel you and get the help they needed? just a thought. when you said you feel alone when it comes to dealng with your problems.....NEVER THINK THAT. everytime i thought that, i phsycially told myself to stop. I realized that alot of people are probably thinking the exact same thing. I learned the hard way that everyones lives arent revolved around me. my mom sucks at giving advice too, so i dont really go to her anymore. I have a really awesome counselor. It took me 3 other counselors to find one that i liked. hopefully if u ask ur mom if ur insurance covers for counseling, she wont get offended you arent telling her anything. My counselor is one of my closest friends, once you find one that you really connect with, i just thought no one understood, but since they are TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, they know most of the time exactly what to say. if you ever wanna talk, pm me. keep me posted on how everythings going. p.s you are never alone. i know theres tons of people here who care about you and who are here to listen. *hugs* :)
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