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Celtic jokes

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A Rangers fan and Celtic fan stumble upon a magic lamp.
    The Rangers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears
    The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the Rangers fan announces that it was him.
    "Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch."
    "What's that then?" asks the 'Gers fan.
    "Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double."
    "That's alright with me," says the 'Gers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
    "Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtic fan gets 2 million."
    "Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari,"
    "Done. But the Celtic fan gets 2 Ferraris."
    "Okay," says the Rangers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A Timette goes to the council to register for child benefit.
    "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Timette
    "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
    "Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan and Declan"
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naah..." says the Timette "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout DECLAAAN, YER DINNER'S READY or DECLAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
    "That's easy," says the Timette... "I just use their surnames"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Einstein walks into a party and begins mingling with the guests there. He asks the first man he meets what his IQ is. "243" comes the reply.
    "Great" says Einstein "we can discuss my theory of relativity and the mysteries of how the universe was formed."
    The next person he meets is a woman, to whom he asks the same question.
    She says her IQ is 150. "Fantastic" says Einstein "we can discuss politics and current affairs!"
    The last guy Einstein meets has a sloping forehead and is drooling all over the shop..
    "What is your IQ my friend?" asks Albert. "67" comes the answer.
    Einstein replies: "Hartson had a blinder on Saturday, didn't he..."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neil Lennon walks into a sperm donor bank...
    "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
    "Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
    "Yes" replies Lennon "you should have my details on your computer".
    "Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
    "Why do I need help?" asks Lennon . The receptionist replies
    "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How do you get a Celtic fan to stand up?
    Say "Will the defendant please rise."

    Why is it George Michael's ambition to play in goals for Celtic?
    Because he'd have have 10 arseholes in front of him and 60,000 pricks behind him.

    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    They had pictures of Celtic Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    What do Celtic fans use for birth control?
    Their personalities

    What's the difference between the Celtic team bus and a hedgehog?
    There's more PRICKS on the Celtic bus than on the hedgehog.

    What's clear and goes on a prick? A clear condom,
    What's black and goes on a prick? A black condom,
    What's green and goes on a prick? A celtic shirt.

    Police today closed of an area of Parkhead after finding a suspicious item in a car. Police later confirmed it was a tax disc
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do I detect a hint of jealousy? :p

    Gotta agree with the Lennon one though :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kiezo
    Do I detect a hint of jealousy? :p

    Gotta agree with the Lennon one though :p

    Yeah. Maybe lashing out cause I think we've fucked the league.

    But have to agree. The Lennon one is class. My favs the first one though :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by NinjaMaster
    My favs the first one though :lol:

    Heard it before about your lot :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well wit till Celtic win the league we'll see who's laughing then brov- musy admit one or two good ones though-

    I'll just go change the Celtic bits to United-
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im impressed you remembered to replace "Manchester United" with "Celtic" for every joke there ninja :)

    bless you, give yourself a league cup for consolation :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A bloke on his way home from work in Aberdeen comes to a dead halt in traffic on Union Street, and thinks to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies: "It's a Hun, he's just so depressed about losing to Feyenoord, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his Aberdeen mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job; I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

    "Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?". "So far," replies the policeman"Only about three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."


    :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Bri-namite
    A bloke on his way........

    That's not a Celtic joke :mad: :rolleyes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I :heart: Celtic - but the jokes are funny. I reckon they would be funnier if you replaced it with Rangers in each case though :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    celtic suck and no way are they gonna win they league!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by TheShyBoyInTheCorner
    I :heart: Celtic

    Bleugh. :yuck:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It would be funny if Celtic weren't so superior to the Rangers fools, no offence but martin O 'Neill is god :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lies..Lies I say. He's a wee nyaff.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Toadborg
    It would be funny if Celtic weren't so superior to the Rangers fools, no offence but martin O 'Neill is god :D

    Aye 'tis true!

    You know he grew up in the same kinda circumstances as my dad. Hmmm same surname too probably related :p

    Celtic are the best!

    above comment is true and verified by me :p
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