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2 c u thro till 5pm

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Some OLD some NEW some BORROWED but none BLUE. Enjoy!


I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I
said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that
as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bi-satchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We
don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any
trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The
Doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well...It's not unusual........."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost
an Electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive."

Answer phone message ".... If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key...."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No,
you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong currant.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week.... and
pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with Hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just browsed through, but this 1 is hilarious!
    QUOTE] I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've saved me, I love you. :love:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: 2 c u thro till 5pm
    Originally posted by NinjaMaster
    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

    :lol:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :lol: they're all so funny, cheered me right up:)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!

    :lol: LMFAO!!!
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