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Got any funny jokes??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi have you got any funny jokes you want to tell us?

A tramp walks into a jewllers shop pickin his arse in pain.The lady behind the counter says 'havent you read the sign on the door' so the tramp goes to read it and it reads 'PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT'

i actually found that quite funny:) :D

xx
Laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's got a hundred balls and fucks rabbits?





























    ....a shotgun. :D

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are woment he stronger sex?

    They can produce milk without eating grass
    Bleed for a week without dying
    And bury an 9inch bone quicker than a dog.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Howard is 95 and lives in a old peoples home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, "What?" "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!" Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :lol::lol::lol: ha ha funny or what nice one
    xx
    Laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    whats orange and sounds like a parrot?








































    a carrot
    :yeees:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so simple but so satisfying!!:lol::lol::lol:
    xx
    Laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mrs potato had 3 daughters.
    one day mrs potato decided to sent them ll out to find husbands as she thought it was about time so off her daughters went.
    later on her first daughter comes bk with good news 'mummy mummy i've found a husband, its king edward'
    'oh thats great cried mrs potato.
    then her second daughter came home with even more good news 'mummy mummy i've found a husband, its marris piper (sp)'
    'oh that is great news' cried mrs potato again even happier that 2 of her daughters had found such good husbands.
    so later on her third daughter comes home- 'mummy mummy i've found a husband, it's des lynamm (sp again?)'
    'oh no' cried mrs potato, 'that won't do. he's a common-tater'

    ok i know its not great and i can't spell sorry! :blush:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i actually found that funny:lol::lol::lol:
    xx
    laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a condom on his nose.

    the bouncer asks "what you supposed to be???"








    Fuck knows
    :cool:

    old, but good


    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

    Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

    The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

    The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

    The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."

    :cool:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SOme people might think this one is mean:

    How does Michael Jackson know when its bedtime??


















    When the big hand is on the little hand.


    (its a bit mean, sorry, only joke I can think of at the mo)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's pink and fluffy?

    Pink fluff!! :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you call a deer with one eye? ...No idea!

    What do you call a deer with one eye and no legs? ...Still no idea!

    What do you call a deer with one eye, no legs, and no bollocks? ...Still no fucking idea!

    Mr_Wobble ;)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Mr_Wobble
    What do you call a deer with one eye? ...No idea!

    What do you call a deer with one eye and no legs? ...Still no idea!

    What do you call a deer with one eye, no legs, and no bollocks? ...Still no fucking idea!

    Mr_Wobble ;)
    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    nice one
    xx
    Laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why did the elephant cross the road?





















    Cos it was the chickens' day off! :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
    up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

























































    "Is it mine?"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
    arrived. "My God!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere
    this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........" "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."



    P.S I am blonde so im aloud to post the blonde jokes lol this ones my fav though x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Butterfly00
    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
    arrived. "My God!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere
    this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........" "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."



    P.S I am blonde so im aloud to post the blonde jokes lol this ones my fav though x

    *goes and grabs the darkest hair dye she can find*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Butterfly00
    [BP.S I am blonde so im aloud to post the blonde jokes lol this ones my fav though x [/B]


    I was just gonna ask you that:rolleyes:

    great jokes :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why did the pervert cross the road?









































































    coz his dick was stuck in the chicken!

    Sorry couldnt think of anything else
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    World War III

    President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks over and says "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WW III. We are going to kill 24 million Iraqis & one beautiful blonde with big boobs."

    The guy says, "A beautiful blonde with big boobs! Why kill a beautiful
    blonde with big boobs?"

    Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder, laughs & says, "See, smart ass!! I told you no one would worry about 24 million Iraqis! LET'S ROLL!"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Jay-O
    Why are woment he stronger sex?

    They can produce milk without eating grass
    Bleed for a week without dying
    And bury an 9inch bone quicker than a dog.

    I told that to Laura and she was so angry at me :(

    Then I told the 60 yr old librarian and she just laughed. I told ehr to tell Laura it was a joke.. J...O...K...E She took it so seriously though

    :eek2:

    I just remembered she has PMS - but when?!?!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call he police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everywhere this blonde touched herself hurt, if she touched her leg it hurt, if she touched her arm it hurt, so she decided to go to the doctors, she sat down and told the doctor ''Everywhere i touch myself hurts doctor, look'' so she touched her arm it hurt touched her hand it hurt, The doctor turned around and said, 'Sorry love are you a naturel blonde?' She said 'Yes' He said 'thought so you've broken your finger'
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Pope, the Dalai Lama, a rabbi, and a muslim preacher, all walk into a bar and sit down together. The barkeep walks over, looks at them then shouts, "what the fuck is this? some kinda joke?"


    bad i know, but it's my contribution :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Musicalmidget
    What's pink and fluffy?

    Pink fluff!! :D

    hehe, a classic.

    What's blue and fluffy.....???????!?


    *drum roll*








    *keep going*









































    Pink fluff holding its breath......!

    Ta da!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what's brown and sticky?






















    a stick
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A Prostitute picks up a panda in a resturant

    They go back to her house and get to it

    They finish, and the panda gets ready to leave when all of the sudden the prostitute shouts

    "Oi oi, im a prostitute, i want abit of cash if its all the same"
    The panda looked shocked
    "well, come on" moaned the prostitute
    "look up panda in the dictionary" said the panda
    "im not interested in that i just want -" (the panda interupts her)
    "just look it up"

    So the prostitute looked up panda and read

    Panda: large bear-like mammalEats shoots and leaves


    :D - i liked it anyway :P
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by MoonWalkingsFun
    A Prostitute picks up a panda in a resturant

    They go back to her house and get to it

    They finish, and the panda gets ready to leave when all of the sudden the prostitute shouts

    "Oi oi, im a prostitute, i want abit of cash if its all the same"
    The panda looked shocked
    "well, come on" moaned the prostitute
    "look up panda in the dictionary" said the panda
    "im not interested in that i just want -" (the panda interupts her)
    "just look it up"

    So the prostitute looked up panda and read

    Panda: large bear-like mammalEats shoots and leaves



    :D - i liked it anyway :P
    :confused:
    i dont get it can someone please explain it to me thanks
    xx
    Laura
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about some dead baby jokes?...

    What's grosser then a pile of a hundred dead babies? ...A live one in the middle trying to eat its way out.

    What's even grosser than that? ...When it goes back for seconds! :D


    Mr_Wobble ;)
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