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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
*Very sorry if this is Either old or has been done before!*
Quite funny!


Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978),you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on
standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join
either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot
and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us
any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make
your own way to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way
trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of
this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks
in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to
provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor
Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new
conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as
offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension
of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and
fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your
departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and
try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarrone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
may be involved.

Yours faithfully,

G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III
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