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How long does it take?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know the subject heading is a bit of stupid question because everyone is different.

Basically 5 weeks ago I was dumped by my first ever girlfriend. it felt like the end of the world:(

For the first week, I cried lots ( never cried over a girl before! :eek2: ) Anyway slowly and surely I'm getting over the dissapointment. The break up was ineviatable really with the distance and her going to uni next year.

basically because we could only meet once every fortnight for a couple of nights she felt that we were falling in love with some different to the true person. She said that it was kind of "pretend" and she felt uncomfortable around me and that she had to watch everything she said because it may reveal her faults and I "may not want her" anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I understand this and I felt under pressure aswell but I would have liked to be given the opportunity to find her faults. I suppose our relationship was a bit of a fairy tale by the way we met etc.

Anyway 5 weeks on, I feel the same. I'm less emotional ( I even could listen to our song at work with no problems). We have decided to be friends, swapped xmas cards ( we both sent long letters to each other), sent a text to eachother yesterday, chatted on MSN etc

However, I still love her and I think deep down she still feels the same about me. She feels guilty that she has hurt me but she hasn't. I do feel hurt, but what hurts most is that I will never see her again, hold hands with her, hug her and the rest ;):naughty: I still think about her all of the time and I honestly think she's my true love ( I know everyone will say that about their first)

It's just all dissapointing, I can't help stop thinking about "what if we met 3 years down the line" or " What if we lived closer".

When, oh when will these feelings leave? Unfortunately I'm not the kind of guy who goes out just wanting a shag, I'm very sensitive.

I suppose I just want to be in love again, it took me 19 years and I just hope it doesn't take that long again :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: How long does it take?
    Originally posted by Punto
    basically because we could only meet once every fortnight for a couple of nights she felt that we were falling in love with some different to the true person. She said that it was kind of "pretend" and she felt uncomfortable around me and that she had to watch everything she said because it may reveal her faults and I "may not want her" anymore.

    Don't get me wrong, I understand this and I felt under pressure aswell but I would have liked to be given the opportunity to find her faults. I suppose our relationship was a bit of a fairy tale by the way we met etc.


    Sorry I know i'm not exactly answering your question so excuse me for barging in but that is sort of how I feel with my current boyfriend (except the falling in love part) & i've only been with him about a week. I didn't know how to describe how I felt weird about it before & we have been arguing quite a bit lately so it has made it a whole lot worse.

    Just wanna say thanks as I think he may feel the way you did & you have kinda opened my eyes to the fact he may actually want me & it's me being stupid.

    Sorry again for barging in on your post. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I split with my ex on nov 12th this year and felt the exact same way you have, we still have a lot of feelings for each other but have agreed we will be friends best friends. I still love her so much and trust her, and the though of her not being in my life hurts me so much, but its just not gona happen in getting back together and im happy to have her as my best friend, because she is closer to me than the way my family have ever been or anyone else.

    You said oh when will these feelings leave i hope mine never leave.

    Sorry for the all me part.
    But suppose in yours and my case cos we still love em, its hell of a lot better to have them as friends than to lose them completly..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers Diamond,

    I don't want to sound selfish but it's good to think that I'm not the only one going through this. Don't get me wrong, I will always love her and I don't want to "stop" loving her. I'm just scared with my feelins being so strong for my ex it will stop me having feelings for other people in the future.

    I haven't explained myself very well , so I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

    We sound to be in very similar situations, we are going to be good friends and she's say's I'll always be very special and always be in her heart whihc is good to hear but it's no consolation :(

    No problems hellie ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's perfectly normal to habour feelings of dedication and love for ages for an ex. Infact if you do truely love someone then I guess those feelings will never go. However if you want one thing and she wants the other I would suggest you keep your distance for a while. Staying in contact as 'friends' will not help anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: How long does it take?
    Originally posted by Punto
    She said that it was kind of "pretend" and she felt uncomfortable around me and that she had to watch everything she said because it may reveal her faults and I "may not want her" anymore.

    It sounds to me like your ex has some serious emotion problems that probably have little to do with you specifically.

    Either she is making an excuse for breaking up with you in order to let you down gently, or she really has difficulty in being expressive. I think you should talk to her. It sounds like she may have a HUGE confidence problem. Tell her that you like her no matter what her faults are etc. I don't think this has to be the end for you too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers Bumble Bee....

    She also said in the letter that I was putting her on pedistal and that when I discovered her faults I wouldn't want her any more :(
    She also thinks that because of this, our relationship was pretend :( She thinks that I'm falling in love with someone different from the real her and ignoring her faults.

    I know I should ring her and talk to her but I'm in two minds what to. I replied to her letter and e-mail. Saying that I love her for who she is, not what I want her to be.

    I think maybe she's just saying it as an excuse but I don't know. I'm going to leave it until after the weekend, clear my head etc and see what to do next.

    I've said we are wasting something really special and we should be able to talk things through, it's just all so dissapointing :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Punto.

    There's something you are going to have to accept: Your ex-girlfriend feels that everything was fake and there's only one logical assumption to make. She feels like that because she knows that she was not being her normal self.

    We all act a little differently to our normal when we first meet someone new. We are carried away by the excitement of it all, and its not until the 'novelty' wears off that we settle back into our normal routines.

    However, it sounds as though your ex has a bit of a problem with self-image. She really felt you'd not like her as she really is so she put on an act. An act that you liked, but one that she just couldn't keep up forever. The hint that she's giving you is that many of the things you most like about her personality may not be the 'real' her.

    If you are sure you want to, then its possible to win her back by showing that it is the 'real' her that you love, and that you saw through the pretence all along. That will only work though if it is true. The first time you say you loved something about her that was fake, it will only confirm that she was right (in her mind).

    There's also a risk of course that you were taken in by the pretence, and that she's not what you love at all. Remember, the only person who knows both you and also knows the real her is her, and she's already told you what she thinks. Could she not be right?

    She's heard you talk about your likes and dislikes in all the time you've known each other. What she could easily have done (and it happens a lot, especially with distance relationships) is pretend to be all the things you like, and to not admit to being any of the things you dislike. She herself knows whether she really is all the things you have said you dislike though...

    The safest thing would be to accept her and trust her judgement ... to be just friends and hope that you'll get to know the real her and will love that too. There are few endings in life, and you have many years to rediscover a deeper truer love in each other through friendship.

    That's the safest option... but safety can be boring.

    The riskier option, for you at least, is to follow your heart (which has been deliberately mislead according to her own admission). Tell her what it is about her that you love which is true. The stuff that could never be a lie, even if she were a master at it.

    Her looks are obviously her own, so although a superficial thing, can be a good place to start. Let's face it, we all like to be complimented on our looks and told we are attractive.

    Think of her relationships with her family, how many friendships she has. These are a good clue to who she really is too, and so can be used to show her that you know a lot more about the 'real her than she's given you credit for.

    Show her you know a lot more about the real her than she'd imagined, and that your love is just as solidly built on the reality as on the smaller more superficial fabrications that could have been introduced.

    Most of all, show her that you know enough to deserve a second chance to get to know the real her... possibly suggest a new 'first date' for a romantic chance to start again afresh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou Black Knight, a brilliant post with some fantastic advice. Thankyou very much for your time :)

    I can fully understand where she is coming from. I felt that I had to impress her all the time so that she would want to see me again.

    I honestly want to take the riskier option and follow my heart but I don't know how to go about it? I want to be given a chance to get to know the "real" her and come to my own conclusions whether or not I love her. You never know I may love the real her more, however at the moment we will never know :(

    I think she's very attractive and I think I know her well enough to deserve a second chance. Surely if this is the real reason I should deserve another chance. However if she's just saying this to make me feel better it will be a waste of time.

    I'll have to give it some serious thought.

    Thanks a lot
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are very welcome, Punto, and if my advice helps, then that's thanks enough in itself. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had almost the same thing with my first serious girlfriend...

    Most guys put girls they like on pedestals if they didn't then they wouldn't be perfect and most guys think the girl they fancy is perfect!... fact of life

    Don't stop speaking to her. If you want her back show her... If she wants you she'll crack!

    Try, Try and try again

    ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Listen to your uncle Joe.

    Get £20. Go down the Sauna. Ask for one of those Albainian girls. Get a ride.

    Works everytime :eek:
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