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*Hugs* Hello, hun. Thats the problem with drink, it brings out your inner feelings that you otherwise ignore/hide. Just ignore Nuts/Zoo whatever, the girls are all airbrushed faked tititted fantasy models. Dont be afraid about going to see additional support if you think that it will help you get back on track again, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I really dont know what else to say.
Am a bit worried thou, a nurse from my practice rang me today, I mean, the only reason she would ring me is about my smear results. She wouldn't call me bout my mental health- cos I see someone different about that. Will try and see her tomorrow thou, as college is next door literally to thhe practice.
Haven't really had a good day tbh. My Dad may be made redundant. Pete may be handing in his notice. My Nan has a DVT possibly, but we don't know where until she has the scan 2moro. And all I can think of is a pair of scissors. Bollocks.
Not too good yet again. Will see Additional Support today. Can't really go on like this.
Saw the nurse this morning, so that's been sorted out. Wasn't what I was expecting re: Smear results either, so I'm happy ish.
Of course they do.
They have Photoshop and aren't afraid to use it.
Fuck, I could look good if they took a picture of me:)
But yeah, its hard to rationalise that when you're feeling jealous and panicky and like utter shit. There's no shame in getting sad about the pictures, its normal if you're feeling at rock bottom.
The best advice if you're depressed is to simply not drink alcohol, but that's not always achievable. It seems like a great idea to get paralytic.
Being ill sucks
On another note:
I really need to get rid of this paranoia thing. Me and the boy had our first "argument" today, because he text me something which was really not appropriate and pissed me off all day. He apologised, because he was SO WRONG for saying it (and then telling me it was a joke, when it was something you do NOT joke about with me), but the only reason it was the wrong thing to say was because I get so paranoid and scared about things like that. I don't want to get pissed off with him because he jokes about having been in bed with another girl (which was what it was). I want to be able to trust him completely and know that he's joking when he says stuff like that...but I CAN'T
You'll learn to deal with it.
I wont be taking the Fluoxetine anymore, I'll let my doc know about it when I see her In just over a week.
I based me stopping cutting on him. Now he's made me hurt, I don't have a reason not to.
Don't cut, but don't do it for someone, don't cut for the not cutting, that's all the reward you need.
frankeh
I'm acting like a complete stalker. I rang him this morning to tell him how I feel, and I said I wanted to talk this evening. I've rung 3 or 4 times now and it seems hes out with her tonight. They're probably going to be sleeping in the same bed.
He says he loves me, but that we shouldn't get back together now. Its obvious that hes using her, but its putting me through shit at the same time. I know I sound like a fool for wanting him, but hes everything to me right now. I shouldn't have messed him around for so long, and expected him to wait for me to make my decision.
I don't know what to do, I've hardly stopped crying over the past 5 days. Him turning up with her to watch when I got out of the limo last night completely fucked up my prom.
I can't cope. I don't want to self-harm because of the scars, but I need some sort of release. Nothing seems to make me feel better. I really want him to know what hes putting me through.
I was like this with an ex boyfriend. I told him how he made me feel, he was seeing someone else to and didn't seem to care how it affected me. On looking back, I realised I just refused to accept he'd moved on.
I use to self-harm, sleep was limited and I stopped eating much. I lost weight, was exhausted most of the time and obviously cut up. So I took it on myself to avoid him completely for a long time. It did me the world of good - photo's had to be put away, letters, everything that remotely reminded me of him was boxed, put away. It was agony. I couldn't stop crying and when I thought I was finally getting somewhere, I'd see him again. But it worked. It's agony now, but please, try to just let him. Tell him you can't bear him with her and so you can't see him anymore because it's too much, and he'll just have to understand and respect that.
i don't normally come in here and have no experience of self harm but i just wanted to advise you to please talk to someone (i.e. best friend/mum). cutting yourself isn't the answer. you're bound to be messed up at the minute but the best thing you can do is come out of it stronger than you were before.
But this gorgeous guy is really interested in me now, and we're going to the cinema on friday.. so my confidence is back up! I texted my ex and told him that I only wanna be mates now, and good luck with his new gf.
So everything feels fab! For now.. I'm so up and down at the moment.
I've never cut myself before but I've felt huge urges.. not too long ago I was actually depressed, and I thought I'd gotten over that. I'll see how it goes.
Thankyou for this. I've actually lost almost a stone since all this trouble began.. I've completely lost my appetite and I can only physically eat a few mouthfuls of every meal. Although it was weight I was meaning to shift!
I can't sleep either.. I'll just have to get on with things, I guess. I'm gonna be working every week day soon, which will take my mind off things
Work is good! I got a job for the weekends after I split with him and it really raised my confidence as well as distracted me. I'm glad to hear you feel a bit better. Your apetite will come back in time - you don't realise how much you've changed till you come out the other side. If I can help, do give me a pm
Sorry I'm going rather emotionally deep, but that's what counselling does to me. Which isn't a bad thing really.
The OCD is a complete bitch still though, but I have numerous things to try out, which may help me break the cycle. Just get so bored stiff of having to check, it really does infuriate(sp?) me. Leaving me wound up, and a complete mess.
Can't believe how much I've got out of counselling though, it's shown me that I have the power to question my thoughts and urges, that I'm in control, and that I should look after me, number 1, no matter what, by eating right, going for lovely long walks, taking time for myself, and nto over working. Also I've realised what damage stress can do, and it just makes me ill now, causing infections etc.
But meh, I'm good
I phoned someone last night who wouldn't believe this has been going on for weeks because I hadn't sounded so low, but that's because I've learned to hide from my friends. We went on holiday together last weekend and I didn't want to ruin it by letting on how low I was (especially when the boys I was with left me alone to go off and be a couple).
He also told me that if we go out to Thorpe Park on Friday I have to cover my arms because there's one girl coming I don't know very well. I told him that if he wants me to do that, I won't come if it's too hot. I'm not making myself ill.
In the same conversation he was telling me I have to grow up and live with it, but surely part of that is making my own decisions about what's appropriate and when? I don't think showing my arms is tantamount to going out and introducing myself to people as "I'm Kate, I used to cut myself" but he does and I'm sick to the eye teeth of that attitude.
I want to go and sick in a darkened room forever. It doesn't help that I know I'm due a 4-week break from therapy in 2 weeks and my housemates are going away at the same time. I hate being alone.
I'm not even going to bother posting how I feel because it will just turn into a very very long rant, that I cant be bothered to do. Lets just say I'm, pretty stressed at the moment and the though of s/h is nearly always there.
Hopefully going to try and get back on track again, and start over at day 1, but I'm not in the mood at the mo to think about not cutting. Was going so well too.
I cut cos of my stupid insecurities. I'm just so sick and tired of feeling jealous, and insecure. Was caught off guard, usually I would've came on here and had a rant, but was in the bathroom, and we stupidly have scissors in ours. Still I should'v had the will power to say no like I have done in the past.
Was a bit worried about the cut thou, was on my hand, only small, and not deep, but it healed incredibly fast, and kinda swelled up, leaving a white bump, like I had bitten by an insect. Probably didn't help that those scissors are probably the most unhygenic pair in the house.
Went to Uni Open day today, and it honestly scared the shit out of me. I'm not ready for it yet. I can't live away, I know that much. It just seems such a big step from being at college etc.
Had a crap drive too. Need to unwind me thinks.
5 months is fantastic. Well done
Just make sure the cut is clean and it'll be alright.
Uni is always a big step but once you get there you forget all your anxieties. Honestly.
Keep at it though. Five months is ace
Have had a shit day. How I managed to get my arse out of bed knowing what I did last night I have no idea. Think one of them is infected though, is quite yellow ish.
Tried telling the boyf, asked him if I could ring him, or text him, or if he wanted me to leave it til we met up over the weekend, and mentioned that it was to do with my self harm. No response. Kinda shot myself in the foot there.
Told a trusted friend that I had slipped up today, and he kinda freaked. Was a bit embarrasing. All I wanted was support. But instead got a lecture about how I shouldn't have quit councilling or additional support- not what I needed tbh.
*Rant over*
Its not that bad really, 5 months is really good for a first attempt at stopping. In the last couple of years, I've only managed about 3/4 months at most with slipping up. Its normal to make a mistake at some point, just dont let it stop you trying again. As click said, you've done it once and you can do it again.
My jobs a shitty mess, and I have to do a stupid amount of overtime to sort stuff out, which means not having life and working six day weeks for teh next month. I'm single, and no-one really cares. :crying:
Night xxx
angels19 - people do care. As per your-babe above, pop me a PM if you like