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How do I get independence from the parents?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I get on ok with my parents but they treat me like a 12 year old although I'm 16. They say I'm not responsible enough to be left do stuff other ppl my age are left do. They seriously don't have a clue! They're so out of touch with reality I just wanna slap them sometimes!

So here's the deal. I want to be able to tell my parents I drink without them blowing up about it. I want to be able to smoke without gettin a lecture.
I want to be able to say "Dad I'm off out, probably won't be back till about 4.00 so leave the key under the flower pot for me" instead of the usual "please daddy I love you please let me go all my friends are going please you can drop me to the door and collect me from the door at 11.30 pleeeeaaassse?"

Of course I know this is going to be an awful hard task and I realise that it will probably take a couple of years to gain this independence but I am seriously desperate.

This sudden desperation and unbelievable rage was sparked off this morning by a conversation I had with the parents.
Dad asked me if I fancied going to France again next year for the annual family holiday. I said yeah because it'd be our last chance to go on holidays together. He looked at me oddly and asked why. I said that the year after (2004) I'll be 18, will have finished school and will probably be going on holidays with my friends.
He looked at me and laughed. :mad: :mad: :mad:

He said I wouldn't be responsible enough to go out foreign with my friends when I'm 18 and said I wouldn't be going anywhere! Whhaaaaaatt?!:mad: :mad: :mad:

It's not as if my parents are scared of me growing up and they think they'll lose their little girl. I know that's not the reason. They're just not those kinda parents.

So how do I gain reasonable independence but still stay in the good books (financially like:p )??????

Jeez that was a long post! Sorry if I bored ye but I'm raging and I have to get this fustration out.

Comments

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think this belongs in relationships....

    You could try getting a job, because financial independance is a large step towards breaking away from them... they can't not pay for you to do something if they don't want you to, if you're earning your own money. It'd also prove to them that you're responsible and mature enough to hold down a job in itself. I'm sorry if i wasn't much help, i've never been in that sort of situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Sa-ra-ra-ra
    I think this belongs in relationships....

    You could try getting a job, because financial independance is a large step towards breaking away from them... they can't not pay for you to do something if they don't want you to, if you're earning your own money. It'd also prove to them that you're responsible and mature enough to hold down a job in itself.
    Exactly what I was going to suggest! Prove your independence!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Plan A - Kill the buggers and let God sort them out! :D


    or, alternatively, Plan B - show you're mature and responsible by getting job, not coming home totally pissed, perhaps not staying out til 4am, coming home slightly earlier, talking to them about it, dont bring home immature friends, only the sensible ones who are likely to impress your parents, pretend to study lots.

    if that fails, return to Plan A
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Unlucky, my rents have never been like that. I go out when ever I want and I always have done.
    I went on holiday with a couple a mates a month or so ago and it was great. I recommend it!
    The job things a good Idea and it'll prove to your rents that your committed. You gotta tell them strait that your a big girl now, or threaten to go the way of drugs and alcohol, best way to win an argument with parents is to come to a compromise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know the feeling !

    I don't personaly have thsi problem, but my friend does !

    She is nearly 20 and her parents are still grounding her, taking the car which she bought herself from her etc etc

    Last week they took her mobile !

    I don't think this is right, but I don't want to involve myself too much as I don't want to upset her even more ! :confused:

    How do you put it across to her in a nice way that it is time to stick up for herself !

    Emma xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Get a job. You can't be independant from them whilst you depend on them for money. When you're 18 you are legally entilted to do as you please, as long as its legal. But you won't be able to unless you have financial independance.

    It also stops them using money as blackmail as my dad always did :mad:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    u could always run away live on your own probably on the streets because of lack of money, maybe turn a few tricks to buy your alcohol, or maybe you could go live with some parents who beat you or let you do whatever you want because they don't care a shit about you

    sound good??
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We've never had such a problem with my mum.
    When I was 15 I went with two 16 year old classmates for 10 days to Spain. It was a nice holiday :) My mum trusted me that everything would be ok.
    I was nearly allowed everything beause my mum knew I know want I did. But I didn't use that freedom to go out, I spend more time in my room on the computer.
    My sister is 15 now. She normally don't ask my mum - she just says: I'll go camping in my boyfriends garden today I'll be back tomorrow. Or I'll meet up with some mates at the bar, I'll be back at 10:30. Normally my mum then says just ok, when she says no normally there's a big quarrel with the result the my sisters goes nevertheless.
    What should my mum do? Lock up her in her room? She has done it before and my sis escaped through the window, jumped on the top of our garage and went out...
    You just can't stop her...

    Well not my problem anymore, I live 100 km away now :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you're 16......
    Maybe they don't want you drinking because they respect the law?
    Maybe they don't want you drinking because they've seen what happens to drunk and naive 16 year old girls?

    Your parents do what they do for a reason, maybe they don't want to trust you, wake up in the morning to find out you wandered, pissed as a fart into the middle of a busy road and ended up in a coma.
    Maybe they don't want you to become a statistic, by going out, getting drunk and giving birth 9 months later.

    Wait till you're 18 and able to handle the social conscquences of sex and alcohol.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you dont like it, then move out. you cant just say to your parents `oh ill be back at 4am`, its not a bloody hotel.
    While you live under their roof you should abide by their rules. youre old enough to leave home and get a job, so if you want to be able to do what you like, then do that, but then you probably wouldnt have the money to go out drinking and smoking much after paying all your own bills etc. you have to weigh up the pros and cons, and face facts that youre miles better off living at home and showing a bit of respect to your parents.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tanya has parents...jinks has rents.
    tanyas parents care and worry about thier daughter a lot. jink's rents dont realy care what he does.
    tanya cares what her parents think and feel.......jinks cares about what jinks cares about.
    this is a modern world.
    and some other poor sod is having her car and phone taken off her for being a bad girl at 20yrs old !
    i'd throw the parents down the cellar and feed em scraps.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: How do I get independence from the parents?
    So here's the deal. I want to be able to tell my parents I drink without them blowing up about it. I want to be able to smoke without gettin a lecture. [/B]

    Why do you want to tell them you drink? Perhaps they already know and that is the reason that think you're not responsible enough to do these things.
    Like Whowhere said, they know the dangers of young and naive girls drinking late at night perhaps on the streets.
    the parents.
    Must you call them 'the parents'. They're people to and it sounds so direspectful.

    Why do you want to stay out until 4am? It isn't big or clever.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Re: How do I get independence from the parents?
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    Must you call them 'the parents'. They're people to and it sounds so direspectful.

    I refer to mine as The Old Folks but not to their face :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Re: How do I get independence from the parents?
    Originally posted by BumbleBee



    Must you call them 'the parents'. They're people to and it sounds so direspectful.


    But they *are* the parents though. What else should she call them? Sir and madam?

    To answer the question though, whilst you're living with them you have to deal with their rules. Chill out for a couple of years and then you can move out and do whatever you like. It's not as much of a big deal as you think and you might need your parent's help later in life so don't burn any bridges.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't mean that I only want independence because I want to be able to get drunk and stumle in home at 4am. This would only happen about once a month when my friends and I want to go out for a night. I have friends who do this every weekend and I haven't been let on a night out yet...that's what i meant.

    I want a bit of independence so I can go out shopping for a day with my friends without a big lecture. And even after the lecture I still probably won't be let go.

    The job is a good idea but doesn't make a difference. I've been working all summer and I've saved most of it. I wanted to go to a concert with the money, get a train there and back. D'ya think they'd let me go?! Yeah right! They don't even trust me to take the damn train. I have to give up the job now anyway cos of school.

    And whats wrong with calling them "the parents"? I know its disrecpectful, thats why I call them that. How can I respect the people who don't let me live my life?
    I mean I could die tomorrow and what would ppl have to say about me? "Oh she was a nice quite girl, never really left the house...always had her homework done on time."

    So please, save the lectures. I just wanna be able to do the stuff other ppl my age do. Is that soooooo bad?!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, you don't get indenpendency over night, unless you move out. And I don't really see that happening.

    You got to take it step by step.

    You want a longer curfew? Ask if it would be ok for you to go home at the same time as your friends. Theres probably someone living close to you, so see if it's ok, that you go home at the same time as them.
    Otherwise you could see if you could sleepover at someones place after the parties.

    You want to be allowed to drink. See if you can compromise on the amount. Start of in the small, and slowly you can see if theyw ill allow you more. But don't break this rule, as theyw ill clearly be able to tell wether or not you have been drinking.

    Try to compromise, and don't break the agreament, as keeping your promises and dutys will only show them that you're mature enough to be treated as you want them to. A good plus, would also be to keep the schoolwork up, and just taking up dutys around home spontaniously (it's not a garantee, but it's always worth a try).
    As said, you won't get things your way in one go. But if you play your cards right, you'll probably get their at some point.

    Good luck :)

    P.S. Don't stress about what's going to happen in the summer two years from now. By then you'll probably have a lot of other factors deciding wether or not you'll be going.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Tanya


    I mean I could die tomorrow and what would ppl have to say about me? "Oh she was a nice quite girl, never really left the house...always had her homework done on time."
    [/B]

    That could also say " I mean I could die tomorrow and what would ppl have to say about me? "

    "oh she was a nice quiet girl, never really left the house, apart from once a month when her parents allowed her to stay out till 4:00am.......... she was only 16 you know, then the poor girl had her drink spiked, she was raped then left for dead in a filthy alley way..............Poor lass her parents just didnt give a shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thats another way of looking at it. Id say thank god your parents do care about you !!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont neccesarily agree with your parents and they do sound a bit strict, but its UP TO THEM, its their house, and unless you start paying full rent, buy/cook your own food, pay your own bills etc then you dont have much choice. Im sure i felt the same as you at 16, although my mum probably wasnt quite as strict, but I left home when I was 16, I wanted my own life. I love my mum to bits, and we get on brilliantly, but theres no way I wanted to be told what to do at that age. In hindsight I wish id stayed home for longer as i completely fucked up my education, by moving out so early. Maybe you could sit down with your mum and dad and have a proper chat with them, with none of the `oh daddy please` stuff, as that would immediatly make you look like a child. treat them like adults and not just like parents, and have a bit of respect and they will respect you more for it. Ask them what youd have to do to prove yourself to them, and then do it. try and find some compromise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's some good points to cover both sides of the argument here.

    There is no right or wrong way to go about this as every parent thinks differently. The only way to make progress here is to speak to them, find out why you can't stay out late or go to concerts.

    One of their concerns will be the thing you read and see on the TV that happens to some young ppl today. No one wants you to get hurt but you need to be able to reassure them that the concerts you go to are not mad crazy bands, and that your friends are sensible and streetwise.

    The first thing to do is not mention the booze or fags, or late nights out. This is something that you'll have to build from.

    Two years is a long time b4 you turn 18. Things can happen that could put you in the mature light that your looking for your parents to see you in. School, college, a job, learning to drive, "safe" interests and hobbies; they may all help, but to start with get on your mum and dads level. Stay calm and don't lose your rag with them.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As I'm sure you'll already have informed your parents by now, you're friends can stay out 'till 4am. Allow your parents to pick you up round the corner from the club or whereever, so you aren't making your own way home. If you arrange to meet your mum/dad at a certain place, at a certain time, be there. Don't show up late, but if that's unavoidable, phone them and let them know what's happening.

    As someone mentioned earlier, if your parents tell you you can drink a certain amount, stick to it to show you're responsible - don't get drunk just to spite them.

    You need to work on them to actually get to this stage though, so rell them to specify a time/place to get picked up at.

    Let them know how much drinks cost, and remind them that you can't buy more drinks than the money that they provide you with permits.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *been thinking*

    Actually, Why do you need to drink? It is illegal, you will be able to drink eventually - and you can have a good time without drinking (or smoking for that matter). I'm not really one to talk on this :D , but if you are going to meet them halfway - maybe that's one of the things you could drop, for now. (+it would show you are responsible).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Big J

    Actually, Why do you need to drink? you can have a good time without drinking

    :eek:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, you can. I've never been drunk, nor have I smoked. Smoking is fucking shit! You honestly don't want to do it.

    Your parents are caring about you. You are only 16. You may think you are a woman of the world but you're still under their care. You can't stumble home at 4am drunk and hope they'll think this is OK, even if it is only a few times.

    I wouldn't dream of doing that, but then I never go to parties or go out late blah blah never had any reason to. Nightlife in my village involves sheep and some dirty old men.... ;)

    LMAO
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *been thinking some more*

    Although I drunk before I was 18, the first time I stumbled home drunk was when I was living in Halls of Residence at University, and I was with some good mates who looked after me (despite my throwing up everywhere). The Warden thought it was hilarious - and I had a pretty good time.

    Didn't stop me having a good time before I was 18 either.

    *Puts on his old man's hat, despite being only 22:D *

    Don't be in a hurry to grow up - and don't worry about it, at least you have parents that really care;) .
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was lucky as my dad trusted me to go away on holiday with a friend when i was 16 but only because i proved i was sensible enough not to take chances.

    You honestly think any dad or mum wants to see their 16 yr old come home wrecked at 4.00 am? Because it would likely be them holding your head while you barfed :)

    Just work with them to try and gradually build up how much time you're allowed and show them that you are mature enough to have the extra time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanna clear up somethin here...

    I know that I won't be able to stay out till 4am when I'm 16. I want to start gaining independence now so that I will be able to that when I'm 18 without hassle. The way my parents reacted when I said I'd be going on hols with my friends when I'm 18 has really freaked me out so I need to start weening them now! I keep gettin these flashes that in a couple of years I'll still be spending my weekends the way I spend them now...at home with my parents! It's a really scarey thought!
    And don't go saying that when I'm 18 I can leave home and do what I want. I won't be able to leave home cos I'll be starting college and won't afford to.
    I've already showed them that I'm responsible when it comes to schoolwork, I always help around the house and I honestly don't get that much money off them so I usually pay for my own clothes and stuff.

    What more can I do?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its all about TRUST!! moment they feel they can trust you is when they loosen up.. all it requires is a proper heart to heart conversation with both ur parents, just tellin them how u feel.. thats if theyre the type of parents u can negotiate with.. sos i havent read all the posts so i dono wat theyre like..
    if that doesnt work, just push them and become a rebel, they eventually give up.. atleat mine did :D
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