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Rant - mentions self harm * could be triggering*

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have no idea what exactly this moan is going to involve but there's an awful lot just really stressing me out right now and I need to let it all out. I don't know where to start though. I feel like there isn't much I can say apart from no matter how hard I try, with absolutely any situation, I make no progress whatsoever and I'm getting to that point where I want to stop trying again. I want to cut myself because I like, need and deserve that pain but I lost my fucking blade. And yes I know, I should regularly change blades anyway so that I'm keeping cuts as clean as possible but no, I don't like change and I really don't give a crap about clean cuts. Losing my blade when I'm in serious need of that coping method is shit. I have alcohol but despite liking how it makes me feel, it's unhealthy in terms of cals, and I don't fucking want that at all but obviously I'm just so weak. I've got a huge amount of pressure just weighing me down but I'm getting to the point now where I just can't at all be bothered to even try and relieve that but what the fuck does that matter? I'm starting to doubt who I am. I'm so alone but like I give a crap. It's always so much easier to do whatever without considering the consequences and I should just start living my life like that. I feel like back pain is getting worse. Right knee is massively bruised and swollen which is weird. Left knee is a little swollen. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to puke everyday. I absolutely hate never being able to sleep properly. What the fuck is that about? I just want to overdose in the hope that it relieves all physical pain, all emotional pain and also sends me to sleep, and I really couldn't care less how long for. I have fuck all left to overdose with though. There are a few more issues that I'm having to try and deal with but I can't talk about them for other reasons. But everything is just never ending. It's all just one massive cycle. I get to a point where I think something positive in my mind might be there, gosh knows what, it's just waiting to force it's way out when the time is right and I'll just know but no. I'm always wrong so I'm just going to give up with holding on to what may or may not be positives. I hate that I'm posting something so muddled and with no paragraphs, but I feel so muddled.

Comments

  • *Holly**Holly* Moderator Posts: 140 Settling in
    Hey butterfly

    Sounds like you had a tough night. Did you manage to get any sleep in the end? And did writing any of that out help at all, or just make you feel more muddled :)?

    Sending you lots of hugs

    Holly x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Holly. I did manage a few hours of sleep early this morning. Last night I felt really angry, today I feel upset and worn out more than anything else. So, I still feel muddled because all of those issues are still there but equally I feel like I should be past caring, as though all of this should have been expected and I think that's where I am, at this particular moment.
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Sorry you're feeling so upset and worn out today Butterfly :( It might no feel it, but it sounds positive that your mood is changed today. Feeling upset and worn out can often follow anger. Try not to tell yourself what you should and shouldn't feel (I know that's easier said than done!), and just let yourself feel how you do. We're here :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Danny.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I seriously feel awful today. I'm finding it even harder to cope as each hour passes and I have no idea what to do. I don't really know where my mind is at. It's like the world in general is so up and down but it feels like that world is living in my head. I feel like I'm not really here and I hate saying that because I never know how to describe what I mean, and I imagine I just sound really stupid, but it feels as though I'm a ghost. And right now I really wish that was the case because I often wonder what that would be like, and either way just seems incredibly peaceful. That's how I feel but I realise I'm not really allowed to think like that, so instead I have to scrape by, and fuck knows how I'm meant to do that, particularly without my blade as it still hasn't turned up. I can feel myself wanting to cry but equally it's as though I don't want to, because I'm not having to force myself to keep in the tears, it's like they are there but they don't want to physically show themselves which I appreciate actually. I'm disappointed because I'm droning but fuck everyone. I'm a complete bitch and far too self-centred to really care.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Heya lovely :heart:

    How are you feeling now? I wish I knew what to say to help, I just wanted to comment to let you know people care about you, and we are all here for you *hug*s
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll be okay, thanks :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I want to be physically vicious towards myself - I want an unimaginable amount of burning pain and the fact I can't right now this minute really upsets me.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I want to be physically vicious towards myself - I want an unimaginable amount of burning pain and the fact I can't right now this minute really upsets me.

    *hug*s

    Do you have any distractions that may help, maybe posting in the last post thread, or some of the other general chatter threads, or games like the word ones.

    We are here if you do want to chat, your not alone. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Butterfly, it's worrying to hear such strong emotion against yourself. I wonder if you're truly being fair on yourself?

    If you're feeling desperate don't forget that there are services like Samaritans who will listen to you, any time of day or night and they won't judge you. You are not droning nor are you selfish - what I can hear though is that you turn a lot of your frustrations or anger on to yourself. I wonder what other outlet you could use to help you to cope?

    What are your plans for today? Could you get out for a walk or do something to help clear your head and give yourself a break from all these thoughts? As Bananamonkey says, distractions may help to allow you a break from these difficult feelings.

    Take care today, *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is no other way to cope. I don't even want to cope but I have to. Not much on today - nephew and sister are here so I suppose I could take nephew on a walk at some point. I can do things that keep me busy but nothing takes away the thoughts. Don't like talking anywhere else anymore. However, I am being fair on myself, I deserve pain for a reason. Thanks both.
  • AndyAndy Moderator Posts: 185 Settling in
    Hi butterfly,

    just want to drop in and say that it's good that you are posting. It's nice you've got your nephew and sister round today. Maybe just to help clear your head, just for now, it could be a good idea to take your nephew on a walk. I know that it won't take the thoughts away, but it will give you a bit of a distraction, which can be just as good sometimes.

    And always keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
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