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Am I doing the right thing keeping the baby?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 22 and I've recently found out I'm pregnant. At the moment I'm planning on going to term with the pregnancy, however, I don't know whether I'm ready to have a kid yet or not. Financially I'm in a very difficult situation- I've defaulted on my rent. haven't paid an electricity bill since I moved in and even then I'm still skint by the end of my two weeks (I'm on basic rate ESA). I'm trying to get out of my tenancy agreement because I simply cannot afford the rent but the chances are I'll be taken to civil court so I honestly don't know whether I'd have the finances available to support a child or at least know how to budget effectively enough to ensure both my child's and my own health.

I also used to drink and take a fair few recreational drugs before i found out I was pregnant (hence being skint) and though I've stopped drinking and taking drugs (other than smoking the occasional pipe) I'm worried that once the kid is born, the responsibility of having a child mean that my partying days are over and I don't know if I'll be able to stay sober. Particularly when alcohol has been my main coping mechanism for when I'm struggling. I'm additionally worried that the stress of having a child will simply worsen my BPD and end up with me either harming myself or my baby.

My partner is incredibly supportive but unfortunately is also unwell. He seems incredibly happy to be having a kid with me and whenever I tell him I'm uncertain he seems to physically deflate. I don't want to hurt him by telling him it's a bad idea for us while we're both in such unstable positions and it's also done us both good in the sense that we've now pulled our acts together regarding our alcohol and drug intake. Every one is telling me that it's "my decision", but i have no idea what decision I'm meant to make and I know how badly it'll affect me if I terminate the pregnancy and regret it so yeah.... any advice?


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    JemGJemG Posts: 11 Settling in
    Hi Nietzsche,

    Wow, finding out your pregnant must be such a big piece of news to take in and absorb. With such big life changes, it's completely natural to be cautious about making this decision. It's really healthy that you're thinking through your options now ? both in terms of how a baby may affect your lives practically, but also how it affects you and your partner emotionally and physically.

    You say you?ve both pulled your acts together regarding alcohol and drugs, which sounds really positive. It's completely normal to worry about how the baby may affect your lifestyle and it sounds like you feel a real sense of responsibility and pressure about making this decision. I wondered if you have talked to anyone else apart from your partner about this? Perhaps it may help to talk to someone impartial about your options? You could consider going to Brook for confidential advice and to talk through some of the questions you are working through? Or FPA also provides information. Perhaps it may help to write down your own thoughts before that ? the things that make you excited about having a baby and the things that worry you? There's also this article on TheSite which you may find useful.

    Have you spoken to your GP about how the pregnancy may affect your BPD?

    On the practical side of things, it sounds like your facing some financial difficulties which must be tough, especially when you've just found out about the baby and you must have lots going on in your head right now. You mentioned budgeting, which I agree can be helpful, especially if you're facing changes in your financial situation. Perhaps this would be a good start to help think through the practical implications of having a baby? For example, are you aware of all the support you could get? There's an article on TheSite here about Child benefit with links to where you can get a more detailed assessment of the financial support you could get. There's also an article on budgeting on TheSite with some handy tools and links which may help you start building your budget.

    It sounds like you are taking real care to think through this decision Nietzsche. :thumb: I hope some of that helps. This community is really supportive and I am sure will be able to offer you support as you think through these options.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I strongly advise against having this child. You realize you don't even remotely have your act together. Don't believe for a second that the baby will "change everything" and turns your life around and suddenly you are an responsible adult. This would be hell on you and the child. I mean you are hanging onto a thread over potential homelessness.

    Also, this counts double if the father is your abusive bf from the previous post of yours.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would never tell someone what to do in your situation but I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons here:

    Pros -
    It could give you the opportunity to clean up your act, but you'll need support to do so.

    You're in an abusive relationship.
    You have substance misuse issues.
    You don't have a secure environment to bring up a child in.

    You could get support if you had a termination, you could get support if you decided to have the baby - but be aware social services could become involved if you carry on drinking or taking any drugs, and they would see you being involved with a person with a history of violence an aggravating factor as well. If you carry to term and decide to have the child adopted you have to be aware that you'll have that memory of the baby you had for the rest of your life and you may or may not be able to have any contact with them (more likely not).

    Are you currently getting support for you BPD? Because it could make it worse or it might stabilise or stay the same. You can't really predict what hormones will do to you, but having a child will mean an end to the party days - even when you're only a part time parent you still have little time to yourself and they will require almost 24/7 attention until they go to school.

    I hope the organisations that JemG suggested can provide you with support but you do need to consider what works best for you, your partner doesn't really factor into this situation. I would also suggest you contact your local council about housing ASAP regardless of your decision and the local domestic violence service.
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