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Confused face.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey everyone, I'm Scorch. I'm 22, from the UK and I work in the outdoors and I love my job! Apart from that, I'm not really sure who I am.

I guess that's kind of a strange thought, but it's one I've been battling with since I was about eleven - maybe even before that without realising.

See I'm not quite sure where I fit on the gender spectrum. I'm not quite either, or not quite both? I don't know. Sometimes I shop in the mens section and buy out most of the shop and sometimes I wear frilly summer dresses and six inch heels. Sometimes I can't imagine ever wanting to put on make-up and sometimes I have to spend hours doing my nails and straightening my hair.

I mean I'm currently in mens clothes with multi-coloured nails.

When I dream, I'm always a male figure, despite that not being my 'normal' gender. I feel more comfortable ticking the 'male' box when it asks for a gender and I guess I enjoy more 'typically male' things. Sometimes I wish I had been born biologically male, in fact most of the time I do, but I can't actually imagine becoming a male.

I suppose from there it's quite difficult to put a label on my sexuality. I've always said if I was a boy I'd be gay as a sort of joke. But then I've never dated, or had any real desire to. I enjoy the thought of a relationship, of sex and all the trimmings - seeing it in my friends' relationships. But I don't think I'm that keen on having it myself. Maybe thats because I've never actually dated anyone or just because I'm really not bothered? I know I'm not the traditional 'heterosexual' for sure. It might be nice to have some idea on what I am, you know?

So I guess that's one side of me.

I also have PCOS which I think is causing depression and anxiety. I know I need to speak to my GP but I'm not a big fan of doctors. Plus I really don't want to let my parents down - with having so many issues. I'm a bit terrified of finding out that something I have been trying to control is actual way out of hand. Some days I really struggle to get out of bed - but I live where I work and people are in and out of my accommodation all the time and I'm worried someone will find out and think less of me. In an ideal world mental illnesses wouldn't have any stigma but we all know that's not true.

I'm already having to take tablets to stop hair growth on my face and the rest of my body - which, hey, would be great if I was an actual boy and it was socially acceptable to have a beard and hair on my stomach. I'd rather not take anything else.

On top of that I'm a Christian. Which has changed my life dramatically for the good, but I have to put on a front at Church which is totally the opposite of what the Bible teaches. I'm not questioning my faith in God, more my faith in other people. How can I come out to them as anything by straight, mentally stable and female? I'm pretty new to my Church because I've just moved into a new area, but I've made friends quickly and go to a home group and help out with the youth. I feel like I need to tell them but I have no idea how to go about that.

Also my employers are Christians and I work for a Christian company. I can't keep it all a secret forever - but I can't stay if I don't fit their mould, can I?

The only thing they know is that I'm taking tablets for PCOS because it might cause problems with handling ropes and paddling - which I totally get and only one person knows.

On top of that I'm really struggling with being around my family. My parents were never married and I spent a lot of my childhood being packed off to each house every weekend. None of my family are Christians and I know they struggle to accept my faith.

My dad is married, but having an affair. My mother is about to marry someone my Nan hates. But of course my dad thinks his secret is safe and my mother is in ignorant bliss because who am I to tell her that her mother doesn't like her fiancé?

My dad's mistress (is that right?) has four kids and is a divorcee, and I'm so scared those kids are going to have a childhood like mine and I don't know what I can do to stop that? One child is recovering from anorexia and I know exactly why she started it but her mother and my father are so blind to the situation. One of her boys is so bright but is constantly being pout down by his father, I want to build them all up, but I can't spend too much time around my dad because he's not interested in me or my life and all he ever talks about is how his diabetes is going to cause his premature death and how he's going blind and he always reminds me of the fact I never message him or call him and I clearly don't care if he lives or dies.

My mother's fiancé is a mans-man. You know the type - cars, sports the whole business. He's rich. But apart from that I don't really know anything about him. I don't know if my mind has programmed itself to just ignore him and hope he goes away or what but I really haven't warmed to him, even thought I know I should and I do want to. I was the man of the house and he's just appeared out of nowhere and taken my family. I looked after my mother. I fixed everything for her. I took her out and we spend nights together watching movies. I just feel like I've been replaced with the fastest option because my mother thinks she's running out of time (she's 65 this year).

They're moving into a new house together in the new year - which means my nan has to move house as well. She lives next-door to my mother currently. But of course she's 95 so she doesn't want to go anywhere. She could go and live with my aunt, but I know she'd hate it and she could move in with my mother but she can stand the fiancé. She wants to stay in her house, but then she's two hours from the nearest relative. And I feel like I'm the only one who will go and see her because everyone else in my family has their own families to think of and I don't. I just have a job.

And I love my job, I really do. But a couple of people I work with have really negative attitudes and I tolerated it at first, but it's been a year and with taking the tablets and worrying about the house move my capacity to not think about the complaining is full and I'm really worried I'm just going to snap and say things I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'm looking for...in terms of help. Maybe just to unload everything on here as a rant. Or maybe get advise. I'm not sure.

gender :confused:
sexuality :confused:
mental illness :confused:
family :(
job :sour:


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Scorch and welcome to TheSite boards :wave:

    Gosh, what an awful lot for you to be having to cope with :( I'm really not sure what to say at this point but I'm sure someone else will drop in at some point and have a better go at giving you some advice.

    Have you ever regularly spoken to anyone about all of this? Doctor or counsellor? There's a free online counselling service which you can find here if you ever want or need a more immediate chat.

    Please do keep talking to us - we're always here to listen *hug* *hug*
  • Options
    SarahRSarahR Posts: 213 Trailblazer
    Hi Scorch, welcome to TheSite boards :)

    It sounds like you've got lots on your mind at the moment, so I'll try and address the issues one by one.

    Gender/sexuality - It sounds like you're not sure whether you identify more as male or female and you live with physical effects of this which you're needing to control with medication. It sounds like you're not quite sure where you fit in and this is leading you to feel confused about your sexuality in turn. There's an article about being young and trans here on TheSite, which may be useful. I am not sure whether you've considered the term 'trans' to describe yourself, but it might be worth considering.

    You've also said that you're not sure whether you want a relationship, although you like the idea of them. If you've not had a romantic relationship before - and you're not altogether sure who it is that you're attracted to - the idea might be quite daunting. It might be that you need a bit of extra time to consider what it is you want before looking for a relationship. There's an article here about being single and happy which might be useful during this time.

    Mental health - You've mentioned that you have PCOS and that it's causing you to feel depressed and anxious. You've also said you're not sure you want to contact a GP about how you feel. It can be a bit scary to consider going to a doctor about mental health if you've not been before, but it might be worth considering. They could be able to point you in the direction of some extra support and it's good to have a trusted GP to go to when you're in need of help. There's an article here about what to expect and how to make the process easier.

    You've also said that you don't want to talk about your mental health because you're worried about letting your parents down and the stigma attached. Unfortunately, there is still stigma surrounding mental health problems so it's understandable that you're concerned. However, getting the right support in place can mean that situations which otherwise would have escalated will remain low-level and manageable. Would you necessarily need to chat to your parents about how you're doing? If you feel it might not be helpful, you could possibly keep things between yourself and a GP or counsellor (or us here at TheSite!). It sounds like this worry is putting extra pressure on you and possibly making you feel worse.

    Faith - You have mentioned that you are a Christian and find your faith very valuable. However, you're worried about being honest with the people at your church which sounds difficult. Are you concerned they might not be sympathetic? It's up to you how much - or how little - you feel like telling them, but it could be that they'd be happy to offer their support. Perhaps you could try and be honest with one or two people who you get on with best, and see how that goes?

    Job - You've mentioned that your employers are also Christian and you are worried about your job security if you were to be honest with them about your confusion over gender. Again, it is entirely up to you how much you feel you want to tell them, but it's worth bearing in mind that there are laws which protect individuals against facing discrimination over their gender or sexuality. ACAS is an organisation which offers support in the case of employment disputes and they've got a page on their website about equality rights which could come in handy.

    Family - It sounds like there's a lot going on at home (or in multiple homes!) and you're feeling a bit caught in the middle. It sounds like you feel very responsible, both for the children and your parents, and that can be very exhausting. Even though you've said that you don't feel you've got a family to think of, only a job, it sounds like you very much do have a lot on your plate and need some time for yourself. You've got every right to say no if you're feeling overwhelmed and to take a step back. There's an article here on dealing with family secrets which might be worth a read.

    I do hope you find TheSite useful and that you'll continue to use the boards to relieve some of the stress. :)

    Take care,

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