weight

Former Member

I'm pissed off. I'm trying to starve as much as I can and it's evidently not working but apparently my ways are wrong. Fine, so tell me that and tell my why, rather than acting like I'm literally stupid for not knowing how to damage myself properly. I don't even know why I bother trying sometimes. Pricks. Rant over.

I'm disgusting and I hate me but I'm failing at doing something about it. The amount of alcohol I consume isn't helping. Apparently the bouts of starvation I go through mean I'm going to end up gaining weight. I cannot eat three meals and drink plenty before anyone suggests that. It's as though my mind is in two different places and I cancel out what I want with what I feel I need to have. I know I'm stuck in a cycle but knowing I'm getting nowhere is making me so fucking angry. URGH.

Former Member

Hey Butterfly123 :wave:

I just wanted to write you a little note and say that it sounds like you are having a rough time - ranting is good - it helps get the frustration out.

Im sorry to hear you are feeling angry and pissed off, just wanted to let you know if you feel like that - then letting us know and sharing what you're going through is so much better than keeping it locked inside. :yes:

I wanted to send you big hugs too - *hug* Thinking of you

x

Former Member

Thanks Tamsin.

I think this is one of my issues that really gets to me the most. I'm literally huge and I feel like I've tried absolutely everything but nothing works I don't know if it's because of so much alcohol consumption, I don't know if it's because people are right and the starvation means I'm gaining in the long run, I don't know if it's because of the amount of tea I drink. I'm still failing even though this sort of thing is massively encouraged somewhere and that pisses me off. I'm annoyed at myself for not being extreme. I want to do something that would cause an incredible amount of pain in order to look at least bearable physically which obviously I won't do but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I fucking hate it.

Former Member

I am trying my absolute hardest to stop drinking alcohol which I think is going as well as can be right now but I'm constantly craving and I feel it's only a matter of time. I want to join gym but absolutely cannot afford it. Exercise dvd's seem to do sod all for me. I'm so angry and upset - I genuinely feel like I don't ever want to wake up after the next time I drift off because I can't stand to know that I'm hideously fat.

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

I am trying my absolute hardest to stop drinking alcohol which I think is going as well as can be right now but I'm constantly craving and I feel it's only a matter of time. I want to join gym but absolutely cannot afford it. Exercise dvd's seem to do sod all for me. I'm so angry and upset - I genuinely feel like I don't ever want to wake up after the next time I drift off because I can't stand to know that I'm hideously fat.

great news that you're trying to give up drinking. you are obviously struggling with your weight and that's sad. but thesite isn't suitable for some sort of starvation diary, it's triggering to others and just not acceptable really.

could you try and get help with your eating? pointless question I know but you dont deserve this much pain x

Former Member

Hi butterfly,

As firey says, detailing how you are restricting yourself from food could be triggering for other members so I've edited that out of your last post. You're absolutely welcome to talk about how all of this is making you feel and it sounds like it's really hard right now *hug*

These thoughts about your weight are taking over and you mention that you're getting some negative advice from elsewhere about how to do more harm to yourself? You absolutely don't deserve the pain you're causing your body and we'd encourage you to steer clear from any sites or sources that are advising on weight loss in an unhealthy way. They are written often by people who are extremely unwell.

Your body is an incredible thing, it allows you to see beauty in the world, to play with your nephew, to think and feel and to do all kinds of amazing things. I wonder if it might help to try and see your body as your friend rather than your enemy?

If I remember rightly I think you may have contacted beat in the past - would you consider doing so again?

Finally, you mentioned it feels like your mind is in two places, could you tell us a bit more about what that's like?

Former Member

Thanks both and sorry, I'll try hard to be more careful - it's the initial moment of venting where I honestly can't seem to think before I post.

There's a game my nephew only likes me to play with him and he will literally grab my hand and drag to where we need to be to play it. I have to run off kicking the ball when he drops it and he chases, full on laughing, until he manages to catch the ball, then when he runs off with the ball in his hand, I have to chase him and pick him up and he just laughs - then we do it all again, and again, and again.

I've only recently started this new lack of absolutely everything routine and I'm hoping to keep adding to it step by step but for now the pain I often get is bearable, but when I play that game with my nephew, the pain or sickness will get so much worse and I can't do anything. But my nephew will keep asking and I try to keep playing but eventually I'll get to a point where I just tell him no and he hates it.

It makes me feel horrible, so useless and mean. What if he starts thinking I don't love him? What if he starts not loving me as much as he does? I wish I could do absolutely anything for him forever but I'm so selfish. I also want to travel so much more without feeling faint or sick but even with all of that, I hate being fat and that upsets me the most, which probably makes me sound even more selfish.

Yeah, I did contact beat but never replied. I would contact them again but I know I'd be wasting their time.

It feels like my mind is in two places because I absolutely want and need alcohol to survive other things but I want to be thin so I can't have alcohol. So I hate feeling like this, I hate having to choose. I want to feel okay being fat so that I can have alcohol to get me through other emotion, but I want to not need or want alcohol. So I want to feel better altogether but I'm not willing to take steps, which makes me realise I don't really want to feel better altogether. So many thoughts and cycles

Former Member

Have finally managed to stop crying and I feel so exhausted so I really want to try and sleep but wanted to vent first. Fucking tears are starting again and I've not even said much yet! I hate this. Have been looking at more stuff because yes I'm an idiot but whatever and then I come across some stuff that just makes me feel so much more fucking crappy about myself and then I somehow managed to go into over thinking mode. I want to control this and change how I look and it's not working so what the fuck am I getting from this right now? absolutely sod all except hunger, pain and sickness. So how does that mean I'm in control? I like the pain, it's really easy and it plays the part that cutting doesn't play anymore because I can't be bothered because that's how fucking lazy I am. I know the process though, I know making myself lose so much weight will make me quite unwell physically but I feel like I'm already getting unwell physically but for no reason and I can't even figure out exactly how that's making me feel. I don't know if the crying means I'm upset about it or am I angry? Am I crying because I'm frustrated? If so then what part of this whole thing is causing me frustration? Am I crying at the exhaustion I feel? But I don't fucking know because I know what I want and that's the whole reason I'm doing this. I can never figure anything out. I'm genuinely so fucking stupid and I just cause hurt because that's all I'm good for but I'm still here and I really don't understand that because it seems so far from reality and it is doing my head in. I want a clear mind forever, I want to be normal, but instead I'm an obsessive freak and I'm a fucking failure at everything I do. I've put almost all of my energy into changing the way I look and the one thing I want to do more than anything is the one thing that scares me and I don't know what that says about me. I don't even know if that's how I'm meant to feel. I feel pathetic and yes that's probably because I am pathetic but I'm hurting but it also hurts that it seems to me like I'm hurting for no reason. I want a cup of tea. I've been crying and I feel like a mess and I want to be mindful with a hot cup of tea like I would usually be at a time like this but no, I can't have one and again this will make me sound pathetic but the fact I can't have a cup of tea actually really upsets me. What now? That's my thing. I'm too lazy to cut. I'm trying to think of more things I might usually do now but my mind feels like it's empty. It's hard to explain but it's like general knowledge has completely fucked off and I'm just left here with whatever I see. Urgh I don't know. I'm making no sense but if I'm completely honest with myself then I don't think I ever really make sense. I want to try and sleep because I want to try and escape for a bit because I cannot handle much more tonight. I feel like I won't sleep though because I barely ever do and I think I've managed to cause myself a headache which I doubt will help and I feel sick. But whatever. I'm done with my venting.

Former Member

Whoa there! This might sound a little tough, but read all of that back as if you were a friend and ask yourself if you would say that about anyone else? If not why are you saying it about yourself? Have you talked to your GP? I think calling beat would be a very good idea and I think you need to treat yourself with a lot more kindness - you are able to do whatever you want to do but hurting yourself like this isn't going to get you anywhere!

Former Member

If I would say which bit about a friend? I wouldn't say they're pathetic or stupid or a failure, etc. I'm saying it about myself because I actually know for a fact that I'm all of the above. Hurting myself less than this got me nowhere so being kind to myself and seeking help really won't work.

Former Member

I think what Miss Riot was meaning is that if a friend of yours had similar struggles, you wouldn't call them stupid or pathetic or a failure so how come it's okay to be so hard on yourself?

As you explain, it sounds like this is how you really do feel about yourself at the moment and so you allow yourself to say these hurtful things to yourself. I wonder though if you're really being fair?

Our thoughts can be really overwhelming but they don't always tie up with what's rational and with our innermost feelings which is why it can leave you feeling so confused and frustrated like you're having this internal battle with yourself.

Allowing yourself a cup of tea certainly isn't selfish or failing or wrong. It's a 'normal' day to day thing and depriving yourself of that sounds like it's upsetting for you

You mentioned you'd like to feel better, to be 'normal' - I wonder what a better and 'normal' butterfly would be like to you? How would she be different? Rather than jumping to the worries about how you might get there or what that might involve, how about just sitting with that feeling, that you would like to feel better. Give that some air time

I understand that taking steps to get support can feel futile and pointless and scary and the mountain can seem like it's way too tall to climb so why bother setting out on the path at all right? I wonder if it might help to think of it the other way around, what have you got to lose?

As Miss Riot says you don't deserve to be so cruel to yourself and your future is something that you do have control over and deserve to find a way forward that isn't so full of pain *hug*

Former Member

What would you say to a friend who was saying all of that about themselves? How do you know it's a fact? Has anyone else ever told you those things? And even if they have how do you know that they are telling the truth?

Former Member

I feel stupid for getting upset about not being able to have a cup of tea. I want one just as much as I don't want one, literally equal, but then I feel like I really need one which makes me feel like I want one more. ARGH I wish I could find the words to explain so precisely. I feel like everything I say sounds so ridiculous and I'm just silly for even trying.

I want to be completely happy at least sometimes. I know I have people and things I should be grateful for and I am but I barely ever show that I'm grateful because I'm always too wrapped up in my own messed up head. Better would mean being happy for the most part just because. Normal would mean focussing on the good more than the bad, having thoughts and feelings that I should have rather than the overwhelming ones that I do have, etc.

Jo7 wrote: »

I understand that taking steps to get support can feel futile and pointless and scary and the mountain can seem like it's way too tall to climb so why bother setting out on the path at all right?

Exactly this. I'd lose everything though. All of this is because I'm fat and If I seek help then I know people would say I'm being unhealthy and would force me to eat meals every single day. The thought of eating even one meal genuinely terrifies me. I remember my birthday meal, a situation where I absolutely had to try and eat something - I panicked so much that I caused myself to become physically poorly. I had pain and I kept having to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn't eat. Getting support means having to eat something and people forcing food down my throat would make me even worse. Nobody would understand. I can't.

I want this anyway - something has to work eventually. I know I keep contradicting everything I say but it's really hard to explain exactly how I'm thinking. It really makes me angry with myself. I hate it.

Former Member

Miss_Riot wrote: »

What would you say to a friend who was saying all of that about themselves? How do you know it's a fact? Has anyone else ever told you those things? And even if they have how do you know that they are telling the truth?

I love my friends so of course I'd disagree because I recognise their lovely qualities but equally I wouldn't be questioning them like you're questioning me. I feel how I feel and I can't help it. I'm fat - fact. I'm pathetic - fact. I'm a failure - fact. I'm stupid - fact. One person has called me stupid and he had good reason actually. I also think it's pretty obvious I'm such a terrible person, hence the reason most of my family hate my guts nowadays. That's pretty strong evidence I think.

Former Member

You say you're fat - have you checked your BMI? Have you spoken to your GP?

Former Member

These basically just sum it all up.

Jo7 wrote: »

I understand that taking steps to get support can feel futile and pointless and scary and the mountain can seem like it's way too tall to climb so why bother setting out on the path at all right?

butterfly123 wrote: »

All of this is because I'm fat and If I seek help then I know people would say I'm being unhealthy and would force me to eat meals every single day. I can't (seek support). I want this anyway - something has to work eventually.

I can see I'm fat every time I look in the mirror - everything about me is hideous. I do not want to have that number flying around my mind all day everyday. I am aiming for results first. No I haven't spoken to my GP and I won't. It's not an option.

I don't even know why I posted about this. I'm not willing to get support but equally I'm not wanting encouragement. I know I'm fucked up in some way but I also know for a fact that I am fat.

I'm done trying to figure things out.

Former Member

Why can't you speak to your GP? Is there a college or school nurse you could talk to? Have you managed to call beat?

Former Member

I don't want to talk to anyone. No I haven't called beat.

Former Member

Why don't you want to talk? Are you afraid of people forcing you to do things or judging you?

Former Member

Because I don't want to get 'better'. I want to lose an immense amount of weight so why would I risk that by talking to anyone about it? People will make me eat proper meals and I'm not doing that. I'm not stupid - I know reaching out for professional help, whether for this or anything else, will cause me to lose absolutely all control and I know that will make other parts of me worse.

*BananaMonkey*

hey butterfly, just wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

*hug*

Former Member

*BananaMonkey* wrote: »

hey butterfly, just wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

*hug*

I'm okay thank you

*BananaMonkey*

Big hugs butterfly

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Former Member

At the end of the day we all have a lot of compassion for you and we want you to move past this road block in your life and do what you want with it. So please just work with us and develop a little self compassion so you can see you are worth it and don't need to do this to yourself.