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Is my relationship worth carrying on??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

My name is Henry and I am new to the forums, I hope I have posted in the right section.

I don't want to bore you with a history lesson but to sum it all up, at the beginning of the year I came out of a 2 year relationship, in June I met this new girl and things have hit off really well. I've travelled to different parts of the world three times with her this year and in general she has made me a much happier man.

I can go on about how well things are going but I want to make this post quick and less of a read for you.

The issue I have at the back of the mind is this, I am 23 and she is 25, we have been together now for 5-6 months and it looks like a serious relationship.

I know im thinking to far into the future but at some point I want kids (atleast 1) and she doesnt want any. Everytime we talk about it she just says she dosnt want them but recently she told me she dosnt want to be in a situation where she cant provide for a child and has felt this way for 10 years....

I know its only been 5 months and the relationship is still fresh but the thought of never having kids is an issue for me. She knows I want a kid one day (in my 30's) but from what it seems she dosnt really see this an issue...

What should I do? Forget about it and see how it goes? Maybe she will change her mind?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Unfortunately, children are not one of those things where a compromise is possible. You cannot have half a child. Pestering her about children surely won't help, but if you can bring it up again, ask her why she thinks there would be a situation where she cannot provide for her child? Poorer and less fortunate people (who do not travel around the globe) have successfully and happily raised children. Maybe you can get to the bottom of this. Maybe this is a deep rooted problem (neglected as a child? Or became witness to negligence) and you'll have to retain a professional.

    Just never be patronizing and do the whole "your motherly instincts will kick in, in a couple years", or "this is unnatural" or some other inane guilt-trippy horseshit. You'll just push her farther away with this.

    Anyway, when all is said and done and neither of you wants to change their view on this, then there is no future. This will build up tension and resentment in due time and as lovely as this relationship may be, you know that there is an expiration date and the closer you get there the harder and more painful the break up will be.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's possible that she could change her mind later on. But she may think that mentioning this now, is way too soon. Maybe in a few years time, your situations will be different and she may say yes.

    StrubbleS has made a good point - there could be a deep rooted reason as to why she doesn't want kids. It's possible she can't actually have children. (which is the situation I'm in atm)

    I would personally leave this topic for now and then maybe in a few years time, discuss it again. As I mentioned above - you may both be in different situations (money, jobs, etc) then and may have both (or one of you) changed your mind over this.

    I do personally think it's too soon to be thinking about this.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Henry,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    It's always a bit of a downer when you realise someone you enjoy being with wants different things. And as StrubbleS says, unfortunately;
    children are not one of those things where a compromise is possible
    As Melian mentioned, perhaps it was soon to bring this up - but now that it's been mentioned, it must be hard to ignore. Because you've already been in a long term relationship, it's understandable that part of you wants to make sure that this time it's worth your time and efforts. Finding someone that makes you happy is great, but doesn't mean it has to be forever if you feel unsure about certain things.

    As StrubbleS says, it's probably worth understanding what she means by not being able to provide for the child if she had one. Communication is important here, such a subject can be easily ignored due it's sensitivity. She could become defensive and of course you don't want to push her - but at the same time you deserve to know why and you probably want to understand where she's coming from too.

    Try to follow what your gut tells you and do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

    We have spoken about it again but more light heartedly, she and I jokes that when I want a kid she can find me a girl to have it with etc... at the moment I hear her say no she dosnt want kids but theres small signs that I say otherwise...

    For now I am going to lay this to rest, im 23 and dont really want kids until im late 20's anyway.

    Its only been 6 months in this relationship I think it would be best left until we in our 1st - 2nd year to formally discuss this situation to see where we both stand.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That sounds sensible to me.

    For me personally, I would have been rather shocked that you'd want to discuss children early on in the relationship.
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