does soutmates exist or do we just make do?

Former Member

Myself and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year, we have known each other for 5 years but we never probably dated due to not living in the same area for long enough.
Now we live close by and while we can go for a few weeks (2-3) without seeing each other due to work commitments and money.
I use to miss him when we were apart and I havnt seen him now for a month and I dont miss him at all. Lately I dont have much of a sex drive and at the start of our relationship I couldnt get enough of him (I am a bit body conscious due to a ex saying I wasnt great at sex and he thought i was very inexperienced. I can suffer with thrush it once was so bad I couldnt have sex for 4 months until I saw a gyae but this wasnt with my current partner).

I feel irrated by his texts and shut him off if he ever hints a sexting. I just feel like urgh

I do wish his hyengie habits would change. he is a smoker but he wont wash his hands before we have sex which turns me off also when we go out to pubs, he doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the toilet and I feel embarrassed then because other people will know he doesn't wash his hands and then he goes out to smoke. revolting
When we stay together I get up and wash my face and teeth. he doesn't do the same. I once asked him to wash his teeth due to morning breath and he said he had. Left me embarrassed and I wonder now at times has he washed his teeth and I am afraid to ask because of the previous scenario.

He wear scruffy clothes when we go out, I once asked him to change his jeans because they were scruffed at the end, we ended up going out and then I noticed he never changed his jeans.

I wonder if he has any respect for me at all. I am not asking much for him to clean himself and look presentable. also to wash his hands regularly.
he expects me to be cleanly shaven down below and he does nothing to fix himself.

I have bleed after sex before as times he couldnt be bothered to get me fully ready. I just try to get sex over and done with now. its like a chore.

He does have good points good job, nice family, caring, cooks, easy going and laid back...

I just feel the bad points outweight the good, i havnt mentioned all the bad points.
Have I fallen out of love?
Or when the honeymoon stage, lust and intital excitement is over...do people just make do?

Do I break up with him and destroy his life? is it me do I have a problem with commitment?

I have tried to talked to him before but he won't have these types of talks. I have brought the handwashing thing up once before. I am moving overseas soon and I will see him once a month and I wont see these annoying factors as much.
What if he left his job and moved to be with me and then I realise I cant deal with these bad traits and then he hates me for making him leave his old life?

please help or let me know if you had similar problems, experiences
:eek:

Danny!

Hi Lisa

It does sound like there are a lot of things you're finding difficult in your relationship. It can be hard to know if you've fallen out of love with someone, or if you're having a bad patch and feeling overwhelmed by all the things that you find difficult.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself when you say "Do I break up with him and destroy his life? is it me do I have a problem with commitment?". Breakups are really hard, but that can't be a reason to stay with someone. If you do decide to break up with him, he will find a way to deal with it eventually. Nothing you said in your post suggest that you have a problem with commitment (I obviously don't know if there are other things), but it can be really hard to feel committed when you find things difficult and you can't talk about them together.

In terms of hygiene, it does seem unfair that he expects you to have certain standards but doesn't make the effort himself. While what he does when he's by himself is his own decision, it seems fair to say that you'd like him to wash his hands before he touches you, and that is something that you could insist on.

Regarding his clothes, I personally would take a slightly different approach. I can understand that you feel he doesn't make an effort to dress nicely, but I don't think that tells you anything about how he feels about you. Maybe that's an area where you could compromise more? You could also try asking him to dress up for certain occasions, for example suggesting a romantic date night together where you both make an effort.

In terms of sex, I think it's important to be very clear about only having sex when you want to. It is OK to say that you don't want to have sex unless he washes his hands first (there are hygiene reasons to argue that one as well as emotional). And even when you've started sex, you need to be able to say "stop" when you don't feel comfortable. If you're not ready to have him inside you, then he needs to wait. If you are completely off sex with him, then maybe he'll have to find a way to make it more appealing to you.

Things do change after the honeymoon stage, and people often feel less excited, but the payoff for that is that hopefully you feel closer together and more comfortable. You shouldn't have to make do.

The communication issues you mention are a concern - all couples need to be able to communicate problems to be really happy and solid together. You might find this article on "How to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend" useful.

Do you think you could find a way to compromise on some less important issues, and also set some clearer boundaries no the more important ones? You're obviously thinking this all through seriously, which is really good. Do let us know how you get on.

Former Member

No, you don't have a problem with commitment. You are together with a gross, inconsiderate manbaby and you are fed up. I have to commend you on your patience up until now.

When the honeymoon period is over and the partner is not exciting anymore purely by his/her existence - and that happens to pretty much every couple - then couples keep doing their thing because they obviously get something out of it. Either by spending time together, sharing hobbies, Giving/receiving gifts, discussing stuff, having sex, in short they share experiences they both find positive. You get used to everybody. Believe me, even if you are dating a supermodel, after months and years you realize that their shit does indeed stink. The relationship is just as good as much as you invest in it. And your boyfriend doesn't seem to invest much, that's why you feel you are not getting something out of it.

I find the idea of a soulmate ridiculous. What does that even mean? Are your souls buddies? What is a soul anyway? There are just different amounts of how much you like a person, mostly because of things you have in common, and at some point people like to say they are soulmates. Does that mean you can never have another relationship that fulfills you anymore afterwards. If your soulmate dies and you find another really good match for you, does that mean the previous soulmate wasn't one? Is it predestined who is your soulmates? Then why does it seem to be mostly someone of your race living in your vicinity and not a begger from india or a mechanic from Wladiwostok? If you make someone to your soulmate, then the whole idea of soulmates becomes useless anyway.
It's a concept man invented to describe a special connection with someone, but boy I seen the soulmate-iest couples in arguments over toilet paper orientation or hair in the sink.

Forget soulmates and don't think that every relationship ends up like yours. Your boyfriend is not considerate of your wishes (not like you are requesting much. I mean, basic hygiene can't be too much to ask for) and that's why you start getting doubts. I suggest you break up.

Former Member

I will see my boyfriend on Sunday, but he wants us to have a date night understandably as we haven't seen each other in 4 weeks. I will try to bring up some issues I have with him then, it difficult as he does not like to talk about issues.

How do i touch on oral hygiene without causing offense?
I am going to read that guide about communication with Boyfriend before I see him. It's just problems that are festering because I have no-one to talk about it too. I don't want to tell my friends or family because of what they will think. I told one friend and her reaction meant I had to backtrack and play down the situation.
I hoped to feel closer after the honeymoon stage if anything I feel out relationship is going backwards.
we are both at different stage of our life career-wise, he makes decisions about his life and doesn't tell me. I heard him telling his friend in a pub one night, hence why I have gone and accepted a job in London. I am not going to be trapped in Ireland where I cant employment.

Sorry I moan so much. as I said before I can't talk to my friends.

I don't believe in Soulmate it was just a expression I was using. I think people stay together because they think ok I can live with him for the rest of my life and he is a caring figure and will be good to children we have together.

It so negative that thinking and I hate it...but is it true?
I brought this up at a event I was at recently and a few woman in the room (who were married) agreed with me, but then two woman told stories about meeting the one for them :banghead:

Ah...I'll let you guys know how our talk goes...

thanks for the replies they made me feel so much better...:)

Former Member

You are a hundred years too early to think about "how good he will be with the kids" if you have problems finding anything positive to say about him. You seem to stay just for the sake of being in a relationship. People break up for way less. I don't really understand why you are hanging on to him. How do you wanna find the one when you stick with someone who does not include you in important life decision, does not wash, is inconsiderate and downright ignorant to your more than valid requests of brushing his teeth and washing his goddamn hands when he touches you in sensitive areas. How can he be good with kids if he can't teach them about basic hygiene? You stopped seeing the woods for all the trees. I don't know, you just hope it all turns miraculously alright eventually.

Let me make it brief: If the majority of what you can say about your partner are complaints which he conveniently ignores then it is time to take a more critical look at the future of this relationship.

**helen**

lisalashe wrote: »

I just feel the bad points outweight the good, i havnt mentioned all the bad points.
Have I fallen out of love?
Or when the honeymoon stage, lust and intital excitement is over...do people just make do?

Hey Lisa,

Really glad to hear getting some responses has helped you to feel better.

Just wanted to add another perspective to the thoughts you express in the quote above.

In terms of phases of a relationship, after the honeymoon period it is common for people to go into a phase of wanting to be clear on their own identity which in turn can lead to quite a lot of power struggle. It sounds like there may be some of that between you at the moment - and as Danny has highlighted - the key to finding out if that struggle is a sign of the end or something you can move through together is about being able to communicate confidently.

In your recent post you talk about problems festering and not being able to talk to people about them. Is that because you're worried people will judge you for the problems? Or you're worried people will think it's somehow your fault? It would be good to get a sense of what's behind these worries.

It also might help to try and be as honest as possible with yourself about whether you feel strongly about some of the thoughts you've shared - do the bad points outweigh the good to the point you don't feel any affection towards him? When contempt starts to bed in, it can be really hard to find respect for a partner. So while I can see you've used this thread as an outlet for all the negatives you feel unable to share with friends and family, you could also use it to weigh up these with any benefits you feel you're getting. If the benefits are difficult to articulate - e.g. not just what makes him a good person more generally (good looks, laid back etc), but how does he make ME feel good about being in this relationship? Then that may be a sign of how difficult it would be to turn things around.

Does that make sense?

These boards are a space for you to have a chance to be as deeply honest as possible - the good, the bad, the ugly without judgement - by bearing all you have a chance to really weigh up your position. *hug*