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Anxiety wearing me down.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
So these past 5 months or so I have definitely been through a lot. Been through many falling outs, bullying, lost a lot of friends, lost a lot of money (at least £800), became technically homeless and have been dealing with panic attacks for 2 and a half years. Only started getting help when I had to leave my job in July and have been on the sick since. Was told I had depression, anxiety and social phobia, when I got help, which I was not surprised about. The anxiety and unpredictable mood swings have been getting to me the most. My panic attacks come and go, and are either awful where I feel home-bound for weeks, or fine where I can go out for weeks.

Luckily I have come out of my rut because I have my own flat now, a great boyfriend and a new circle of friends, but my stuff from the past is still managing to take away my happiness and play on my mind. I worry over the slightest of things, really small things, or things about the future that would be years away. Because all my friends have come and gone, I'm so worried about losing the ones I have now. I'm scared that I am wearing others down as well as myself, even when my boyfriend reassures me. I have such good things happening, that my anxiety has been worse, because I am always scared of the worst happening. I would give examples, but I have so many and they sound so silly, I'd be writing for days!

Part of me thinks, why should I worry when good things are happening for me now, but I am finding it hard to accept the feelings of worry, and when I tell myself I am being irrational it is not enough. I fear that nothing is going to help my state of mind change. My depression will then feed off the anxiety and I work myself up in to states where I cry for hours and get angry at myself. I say things I don't mean, when on a low and then I feel guilty and will brood on it later. Moods have been all over the place, highs and lows. The constant excess worry is wearing me down greatly and I have no idea how to get out of it. I also hate being around big groups of people. Never really liked this due to having Asperger's but it has become worse since. I used to enjoy socialising on evenings out and now I dread what I used to enjoy. Have also lost a lot of motivation to do the things I love.

I miss karate so much and want to go back, but its all had such an effect on my fitness, and part of me is too afraid to go back. It relieved my depression two years ago, and I keep telling myself that, but my fears get in the way. :( I used to be so dedicated! :P

By the way, I have been given Citalopram, but have been too afraid to take these. They were to lift my mood and ease the panic, but the thought of taking them scares me as I fear something awful will happen if I do. I just always have something to worry about, and no matter how much I reassure myself, I dunno what will make it go away.

Just wanted to know how other people cope with similar/same situations.

R xx

Comments

  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi rosierawrz

    I'm glad to hear that you're out of your rut and in some ways things are going well now. I was just reading about what you?re struggling with at the moment and a few things struck me, so I just wanted to mention them in case they're useful.

    One is that when you've been through something difficult, it's natural to worry that it will happen again. If a cat scratches you, you might well be extra wary of cats for a bit. And emotional things can work the same way. So try not to be hard on yourself about worrying, it might take a bit longer of things being more settled and happier for you to be able to trust that things will stay that way.

    If you're worrying so far into the future and about things that seem to be minor, might that suggest that at the moment you're not that confident in being able to handle tough things when they come up? It's worth reminding yourself of the way things have improved recently. Sometimes keeping a diary can help for this ? it can be really helpful to remind yourself how much things have improved when they're feeling difficult.

    Have you had any help in dealing with all the things you went through?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    Yeah, after a low mood, I realise that I was worrying over nothing, but then I find something else to worry about the cycle starts again. Its like my mind doesn't rest. I worry before bed, and worry first thing when I wake up. I even get bad dreams about my worries, so even when I am sleeping its still on my mind subconsciously.

    I'm extra stressed at the moment as I am moving in to a flat that needs work on the whole thing and I have no money to do it up. I am due money though, I just don't know exactly what date its going in. I also owe money to my phone company, and I've not been eating properly as the depression has just taken over. I feel so useless even though I know I'm not.

    I try so hard not to worry but I still do anyway. I spoke to my nurse and doctor, but I don't really know what's happening. They gave me Citalopram but I haven't taken it for fear of having bad side effects happen to me :/
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    Hey rosierawrz :wave:

    I just wanted to post to see how you are feeling today?

    You mention about things being on your mind and your mind not resting. Have you tried writing everything down and getting it all out of your head, it could really benefit you, and help you relax a bit more and help your mind relax and not be so busy. *hug*

    Sorry to hear your feeling stressed, it all sounds very difficult for you. I am glad you have posted for support on here, we are here for you :heart:

    With regards to the medication, have you chatted to your doctor about the side effects? You may find this link helpful, it has some information on Citalopram it could be worth a read, also I would advise you to chat to a doctor if you're worried about taking it. I have been on Citalopram since 2011 and I got side effects but they were not awful and they soon settled down, it's different for every individual though. Your doctor will be the best person to advise you.

    Keep posting we are here for you *hug*
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    I had a really bad low this morning and constant worries make my stomach physically churn. I feel useless because I am not working due to being on the sick to do with all this stuff. Initially it was for my panic attacks and general anxiety, but this then led to depression, which I have had before, but this is the worst I have ever had it. One minute I feel fine, the next minute I'm depressed, but no matter what mood I am in, I am always anxious. Anxiety is definitely the main problem to it all. I don't know which our of both is worse.

    I am keeping a diary. At first it was just about my panic attacks, but now I am have been keeping a log of my mood swings as they have been rapid. I have had at least one low point every day since keeping a log (3 weeks) had a few highs when my boyfriend visited and the rest being sorta general. Mainly I've been low/or general. I am going to take the diary when I see my nurse next. I want help so that I can get back to work again as I know I am a hard worker.

    And as for Citalopram, I spoke to my doctor about it after I said I never took it and he said it will take a few weeks to kick in, but I am still not convinced yet. I am generally convinced something really bad will happen if I take it.

    Thanks for the advice and asking how I am! :)

    R xx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    I am sorry to hear how your feeling lovely *hug*

    I am glad you can talk to us on here, we are here for you :heart:

    Do you find it helpful to keep a diary? I think it's really good that you are going to take it with you when you next see your nurse, very pro active. It's always very good that you recognise you want the help and you want to get back to work, it shows you have a good awareness of your feelings and thoughts.

    I am glad you chatted to your doctor about the medication, he is right it will take a few weeks to kick in, but it does help. Do you know what you are worried about taking the medication, like the bad things that you think will happen to you, do you want to chat more about those things?

    *hug*
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    I just get really paranoid about the side effects and stuff and just feel they won't benefit me and that they'll make me feel worse.

    My relationship is pretty much ending too and its not helping anything. I feel like I am wearing away to nothing and am finding life too much of a strain. I just can't see myself feeling better at this point in time. Feel so trapped.

    R xx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    I guess when it comes to starting new medication it's normal to have some worry about the side effects and things, but there is a chance they will really benefit you. Also your doctor will support you through taking medication by regular reviews to keep an eye on how your doing. I have been on citalopram since 2011 and I still have regular reviews. It's there to help you. :heart:

    I am sorry to hear about your relationship, could you chat to your partner and see what they say, maybe if you could have an open honest chat it may help you feel better. Also TheSite have a site called madlyinlove it has lots of cool stuff on there about mental health and relationships it could be worth a look *hug*

    Keep chatting to us, we are here.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey :)

    I spoke to my boyfriend last week and everything is good now. Our argument was more his fault as he's very impulsive. We're still getting to know each other so we are in that stage of accepting each others faults as well as our good traits :) He is in the army so there are periods of time where I don't see him so sometimes it is harder to communicate properly. Luckily he is getting more time off now though :)

    These past few days the anxiety has still been there, but I've not been as depressed. I've managed to finally get 1 on 1 counselling and my counsellor is really nice :)

    As for medication, I've still not got the guts to take it. I have the fear of becoming dependent and I've brooded too much on the side effects. I've worked myself up over it so much that I fear taking them.

    But on a positive note, I've had a happier few days. :)

    R xx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    Hey lovely.

    I am glad you managed to talk to your boyfriend, it sounds like having a chat helped your relationship.

    Its also really good to hear that you have got 1-1 counselling and that the counsellor is nice, I really do hope it helps you lovely cos you deserve this support.

    Do you think having a chat with your doctor about your medication would help you? Medication is there to help, yes it doesnt work for everyone, it sometimes could be a stepping stone into helping control your emotions enough to be able to get other support like counselling. (I hope that makes sense)

    I am so glad you have had a few happier days recently. That is so lovely to hear :heart:

    Do keep us updated on how you are doing, and remember we are here for you.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya :)

    Thanks for replying! :) I am hoping that with counselling that my anxiety eases and that I find better ways to cope with it. Still going to leave the medication to a last resort. My doctor said that I seemed young to be taking it.

    R xx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    It sounds like your feeling a bit more positive, which is great to hear.

    :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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