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Ending a relationship after 5 years

plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
I honestly am stumped about what to do.
We've been together 5 years, and in those last 5 years a lot has happened, we've both changed a bit. Anything we shared we don't really do so any more. We've been long distance for 3 of those 5 years, with no sign of it ending. I don't feel 'that' way particularly about her any more.
BUT it's comfy, we're used to it and she's still completely smitten with me. She talks of getting enagaged, of having a family together. I don't share this vision.
I think I should end it with her, but I have no idea how. She says she will kill herself if we ever split up and of course, I still care about her and enjoy her company - just not in that way.
It's not working. But I don't want to make the wrong decision. Make a decision now when I am in no situation at all to be making any decision at all.
How do I go about this, without completely smashing her life into smithereens? Am I just too weak?


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you are having long term doubts about a relationship it is always the wisest choice to break up. Being in the relationship yourself you cannot take an outside look on it and usually argue with points like, "We've been together for 5 years. I don't want these to go to waste." That's a logical fallacy. If the relationship does offer you nothing anymore except the convenience of not having to break up there is no more point in being in it.

    You even have a clear grasp that this is not working for you anymore. You know it's inevitable and dragging this out only makes it messier and harder in the future. Most of the time, when people threaten with suicide they just use it as blackmail and do not plan to actually follow through. If you think she is a danger to herself then there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the cops involved. If she is truly suicidal at least this will get her the medical attention she needs.

    Yea, it will be hard on you both, you will feel doubts later yourself I can almost guarantee you, but what can I say? The limb is necrotic, it has to come off anyway, you cannot make it any better by waiting. Pack your stuff when she is out and sit her down once she comes home. Tell her this relationship is not working for you anymore and thank you for the good times. Then leave and occupy your free time with friends and family and avoid all kinds of contact with your ex.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey plugitin :wave:

    I read your post just now, and really feel for you. It's very hard to even come to the decision that you don't want to be with a significant other, especially when you have been together for so long. You have a lot of shared history, and experiences, but agree with StrubbleS, it does sound like you have reached a clear decision about ending your relationship.

    Perhaps being long distance has not helped your relationship - it can make things very hard. You mentioned that you don't really feel that way about your partner anymore - and that you have both changed. Unfortunately people can grow apart from each other, and after such a long time together, people can change and become different to how they were when you first met. I've been through something similar, and it's hard, you just want the person they used to be back - as cliched as that sounds!

    You're not a weak person, you are in a very tough situation, where you still care for your partner, just not in the same way or to the same intensity that she does for you. I hear that you are worried about causing her more pain, and also about the fact that she has threatened suicide if the relationship did end, but to continue on together purely because of this would make you incredibly unhappy. If you care for a person, sometimes you do need to let them go. Ideally, you should let your partner know how you are feeling face to face, and be honest and simple about what you want to do and why you don't see the same future for the relationship that your partner does. It's not easy telling someone that it's over, and here at Thesite, the following article has some information about ending a relationship that you might find helpful. http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-to-break-up-with-someone-4497.html

    You also mentioned you were worried that your partner might kill themselves if you did break up with them. If you are concerned that this could be genuine outcome following your break up, then perhaps it would be good idea to contact Samaritans and explain that you are worried about someone close to you - they are non-judgmental and a great listening ear, who is not directly connected to the situation. You might want to communicate your fears to the Police, as StrubbleS mentions, if you think she was serious about this. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, then perhaps you might wish to contact Madly in Love, they're great to speak to for extra support around mental health and relationships. http://www.madlyinlove.org.uk/

    I hope some of this was useful? I really hope you're ok, and keep posting. We're here for you whenever you need :)
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    I think you're both spot on.

    We spent some time together earlier this week and it was really really nice, really good and just different to how it has been recently. I don't know how it will continue but for now I've decided to try and see whether that can continue. If not, we will split up (but I guess part of me wants to keep trying and trying in the hope it will work out).
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