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Long distance relationship...PLEASE HELP.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Im in a relationship with a Lad who lives around 400 miles away. He lives in London UK, we have been together for 2 years and 5 months but the only thing keeping us incontact is our mobile phones. We met over Blackberry messanger and hit it off straight away. But over a year ago my self harm and depression was getting worse so i told him.

He was so understanding and helped me when i was triggered but... now his signal plays up and it has an affect on us speaking. Sometimes we dont speak for days. But i feel like im getting worse, the last time i tried to commit suicice was around a month ago and i tell him i love him but i dont want to be here... he will ring me up (when he can) and talk to me while i cry to him.

But i feel like the relationship is affecting my depression, actaully feeding on it. It stresses me out when we dont speak. We are meeting for our 3 year anniversay in may 2015. This will be the first time we meet. When we first met i told him i wanted to be happy when we meet. I wanted to feel confident in my self before we embrace our first hug or kiss. But im not and its been years, i want to stay with him but i feel like im lettin him down. I try to fake a smile for him and he's so oblivious. Some days we would argue because i have snapped at him. I dont mean too. My home life isnt getting better, family memebers are ill and i only have 1 parent because my dad has died. The fear of being alone scares me.... i want a happy family, a happy life but i feel like im not capable.... Why is a long distance relationship so hard? I am willing to wait for the right moment but i feel like im stopping my boyfriend doing things he wants to do. He tries to understand what to do when dating someone who takes anti depressants. He doesnt realise its not a normal relationship but he doesnt realise how bad i am. Help.... advice.... anything that will help me discuss it with him.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    We're glad you've found us as it sounds like you're really struggling and could do with some support not just around your long distance relationship but with these difficult feelings related to your depression and how that's impacting on things.

    It's understandable that you want your first meeting with this guy to go well but it also seems from what you've said that focusing on your own mental health is really important at the moment. May 2015 is still a way off so a lot can happen between then and now. Is there a reason why you have chosen this particular date?

    By giving yourself the space and time you need to get support for what you're going through, the knock on effect will likely be a positive one for your relationship too. Sometimes you can't always work on both things at the same time :chin:

    I was saddened to hear that your family members are ill and that your dad passed away. This is a lot for you to cope with and I wonder what support you're getting or have had to help you manage this?

    Do you live with family at the moment? You mentioned being worried about being alone and I wonder do you have any close friends that you're able to offload and talk to about all this?

    When your relationship becomes your sole focus it can put quite a lot of pressure on it and on the both of you so it's always really important to keep up with your own interests and hobbies and social life too. I wonder if working on that could help to boost your confidence a bit?

    We have some resources that might help for you to take a look at. Firstly this article on talking to your boyfriend about your mental health.

    Also our Ask A Relationships Question service is a confidential question and answer service that puts you in touch with expert relationships advisers: http://www.thesite.org/ask-a-question/ask-about-relationships

    If you're feeling suicidal then we'd encourage you to chat to your GP, you mention that you take anti-depressants, perhaps it's time to review how things are going?

    You can also contact Samaritans anytime of day or night for a listening ear *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there :)

    First of all I know exactly what you are going through and believe me, you are not alone :) My boyfriend is in the army and so I am in a long distance relationship as well. There have been struggles with us, because I also suffer from depression and anxiety. Not wanting to state my life story :) but basically saying that I can hugely empathise with you on this case, as I am going through similar.

    Couldn't you both ring and discuss a plan as to when you'd next meet up and how often? Communication is definitely the key :) Also do you keep a diary/mood journal by any chance? I do this and it helps me vent and reason with my worries. You need to explain to him how your depression affects you, and so he knows not to take anything seriously if you snap. I get this situation too, and I am forever apologising to people for my conditions.

    I hope that everything works out. Keep us updated :)

    R xx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Honestly, I think you should find a support system in your vicinity. You are relying on your boyfriend for your happiness as if you were (location wise) together. Let me just say that it is HELL if someone you feel strongly for is suffering and suicidal 400 miles away and you can do nothing about it. The fact that you rely on a person you haven't even met with literally life or death situations is neither good for you, nor for him. Sorry to be a wet blanket, but I have the feeling the sadness you endure of not being with your boyfriend (that you haven't even met in the almost three years you are together, it's almost to ludicrous to even speak of) is bigger than the actual positives you can draw out of this situation/relationship. All of this basically screams "escapism".

    Just food for thought.
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